


Firestones

by aigonpleisteodon



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 11:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 75,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3567503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aigonpleisteodon/pseuds/aigonpleisteodon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is set before Bellamy infiltrates Mount Weather and following the science of the butterfly effect, things will differ to the original story, no matter how much I adored the screen writing, I think it a waste of time to copy the original story entirely. There will be key scenes or quotes that will be close to the original or even (partly) the same.</p>
<p>I have an idea where this will go, though nothing is set in stone just yet. It will go beyond the season 2 finale and since personally I don't like writing a plot down step by step without taking into account the surroundings, the feelings, the people that are there besides Clarke and Lexa, it will take quite a while to get there, sorry about that. </p>
<p>Raven, Octavia, Indra, Abby, Bellamy...some of the other 100 characters will appear here and there as well. I also want to explore Lexa's past more and make my own version of what happened to Costia. </p>
<p>I hope you don't consider reading this a waste of your time and you you enjoy it :3</p>
<p>This is labeled mature because at some point there will be some intimate moments between Clarke and Lexa. To what extend I am not sure yet but just want to be safe</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1 – Phantom of a scream

Lexa was pacing from the war table to the entrance of the tent and without paying the outside any attention, turned on her heels to pace back. Following her own footsteps over and over, she'd spent the better part of the night this way.

When the first light of the day crept through the entrance and illuminated the worn path of her restlessness inch by inch, the Commander stopped and exhaled heavily. She pressed her palms against her eyes and shook her head.

"No!", she finally said with determination into the silence of her tent and the commotion in her head. She dropped her hands from her face and stood up straight like the leader she needed to be right now.

"Chit, Heda*?", a young dark haired woman suddenly opposite her said confused and tilted her head slightly, her eyes narrowing at Lexa in concern.

It took the Commander a moment to collect herself but when she spoke, her voice was as calm and strong as ever.

"What brings you to me, Octavia of the sky people?", she asked, slightly pushing her chin forward as she spoke. Lexa noticed a moment of hesitation and a flicker in the other woman's eyes, replacing concern with bitterness.

The Commander was very well aware that Octavia was working hard to be accepted as one of them, but Lexa had to make sure that she understood she couldn't just choose to be one of them because she felt like it. She had to earn it - she had to _live_ it.

She watched Octavia swallow hard and then straighten up before she spoke: "Indra requests your presence."

Lexa was careful not show her annoyance and simply nodded, gesturing the other woman to lead the way.

Indra was her best warrior and they would have lost more than one battle without her. She was ruthless and aggressive, always putting the fate of the clan and its greater good ahead of everything and everyone. 

The General understood her Commander's choices, the easy ones but more importantly, the ones even Lexa didn't make lightly, leaving her with the taste of regret in her mouth.

But lately - or more precisely since the alliance had been formed - dealing with her had become rather tiresome. Lexa was used to being questioned by Indra, it had been vital in all through her reign and helped her grow into the Heda she was today. But these days, she found it more challenging than it used to be. 

The Commander followed Octavia through the warrior’s camp of Ton DC, past fires slowly dying as the sun crept up on the horizon, making them useless for the day; past warriors training fiercely and the sounds of their swords clashing echoed in the tree tops and accompanied their leader.

Every single of her people she passed, no matter how occupied they might be in that moment, nodded their heads in respect but Lexa hardly noticed. She was trying hard to get her mind to focus before she had to look Indra in the eye. She would know when her Commander's mind wasn't fully concentrated on the task at hand.

She took a deep breath, pushed her chin forward, straightening up in her steps in hopes for her mind to follow her body - at least for the time of her conversation. After a sleepless night of pacing, Lexa knew she couldn't pretend that she was fully in control anymore. 

She had tried so hard to get her off her mind, so hard to forget the sound of her voice and how it reached so deep inside of her, it was almost like she was talking to her heart directly.

When she had agreed to this alliance and been warned about its dangers, Lexa hadn't thought the danger was to the walls she'd built around herself to never feel the pain a thousand times worse than all of her battle wounds combined.

"Heda.", Indra said and tipped her head slightly forward in a respectful way to greet her Commander. With a nod to Octavia, she dismissed her second before giving Lexa her full attention.

"Indra.", she said with a slight nod, the tension in her body showing in the clenching of her jaw.

"What worries you?", Lexa asked, interpreting the moment of silence as hesitation to speak and this only ever happened to Indra when she was worried.

"They are not to be trusted.", Indra finally hissed, her teeth hardly parting as she spoke and her eyes were searching for those in the camp, that had fallen out of the sky. 

"They are whispering and sneaking around.", she added in answer to Lexa's silent frown.

"You've voiced your concerns already.", Lexa said calmly but her voice had a certain edge to it, that drew her General's eyes back from their journey to meet hers. 

"We have no choice if we want to survive against Mount Weather but to trust them for as long as our common enemy exists."

Indra was gritting her teeth and breathing heavily and Lexa knew she was struggling to keep her temper under control, careful not to overstep with the Commander even though she disagreed with every fiber of her being.

"Does it not worry you.", she said slowly, her voice vibrating with hatred. "That _she_ sneaks away with her people in the dead of night?"

The Commander narrowed her eyes slightly and then let them follow Indra's outstretched arm pointing towards the woods to show her where they'd gone. To say that she wasn't worried, would be a lie. But Lexa worried for very different reasons than Indra.

"When did they leave?", Lexa inquired, her voice demanding and cool. She wouldn't allow her to hear what she was already guessing.

Indra had known the Commander from the day she was born and it had been her who had exchanged the wooden sword for a real one when the time had been right. It had been Indra who had pushed her to and beyond every limit her body and mind held and who had taught her everything she knew when it came to the art of warfare.

It had also been Indra who had held her back when Lexa had to learn about Costia's murder, who had kept her from killing herself in an attempt to avenge her lover's death; Indra who had allowed her to grief in her own way for as long as she needed to and put her back on her feet when it was time to let go.

Lexa knew Indra worried for her well-being as well as everyone else's. She need the Commander to be focused on her duties and nothing else. And Lexa wasn't sure if she worried more that she would make the wrong decisions for the clan or herself.

 

* * *

 

Her cloak was billowing behind her like the ocean on a stormy day. Her steps were hurried yet so elegant, she was moving noiselessly through the woods following the footsteps that couldn't be more obvious even if they had been left purposefully for her to find.

Her right hand was clenched around a dagger, just in case she would run into some trouble, though so far Clarke and her people were moving in the safer part of the woods. If Lexa had to guess, she'd say they were heading back to where they had burnt three hundred of her people.

The thought left a bitter taste in her mouth. It reminded her of how irrational she was being, how senseless and downright reckless. How could someone who had killed so many of her own, steal her sleep at night and make her wish her destiny was the responsibility not for thousands, but only herself?

Lexa's pondering was interrupted by a distant, yet piercing scream. She stopped in her tracks, concentrating on the echo to figure out the direction it was coming from and felt her heart pound ten times as fast as it had just moments ago. Fear and panic were washing over her like a tidal wave, now chasing her through the forest.

Her head was filled with the loud pounding of her racing heart and the echo of the scream, drowning out every other sound. Her lungs started to burn as she pushed herself to run even faster.

Lexa finally arrived at a clearing. Panting and covered in sweat, her eyes searched for an enemy to fight, but there was no one there. No one but a mud covered Clarke, kneeling in, what had been a puddle after the rain and turned into a mud hole over the past few dry days. With her were two other sky people: one on his back in front of her, his face showing the muddy mark of a hand and next to her a dark haired girl, just as dirty.

While the carefree happiness fell from their faces at the sight of the Commander, it dawned on Lexa while she had been rushing to save a life the people who were supposed to help save them all, were playing in the dirt like kids.

She closed her panting mouth and gritted her teeth, not trying to hide her anger. Her hand clenched so hard around the still drawn dagger, her knuckles turned white.

"Lexa", Clarke finally breathed her name and Lexa could hear a mixture of surprise and terror in her voice which was somewhat soothing to Lexa. At least Clarke seemed to know her behavior had been out of place.

"This is how your people prepare for war?", the Commander said, her voice icy. "We might as well dig our own graves.", she added, straightening up and staring Clarke right into her brilliant blue eyes.

Lexa had felt in control until their eyes met and her heart went back to pounding like she was still chasing after the phantom of her scream. Her mouth went dry, her palms turned sweaty within seconds and her skin started prickling.

The Commander turned around and marched away, hoping she had managed to break eye contact before the blonde could see that, underneath her anger and frustration, Lexa was relieved above all that Clarke was unharmed and safe.

And deep down some part of her admired Clarke for being able to enjoy herself even in times of war. Something Lexa hadn't felt in so long, she couldn't remember the last time her life had been more than the duties and responsibilities of the Commander, the safety of her people.

* * *

*Chit, Heda? - What, Commander?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Empty Words

A cool breeze was blowing through the tree tops, accompanying the party of three with a violent rustling back to camp. 

They were still half a mile away and Clarke enjoyed the distance. Right now she was far enough away from all her duties and responsibilities and the nagging of doubt every choice she made, seemed to be married to.

Clarke more dragged herself on than she actually walked and allowed herself to feel the weariness of her body she had become a master of ignoring.

Bellamy and Raven were a good twenty feet ahead of her by now, engaged in a conversation Clarke had lost track of an hour ago. Her mind was too loud to hear anything else.

Clarke thought back to those days, she'd been looking down at this big blue ball she'd only been told stories about and remembered the colorful pictures of earth her mind had drawn for her. Back up in space, this planet had seemed to be paradise. Now they were down here, paradise turned out to be less colorful and a lot deadlier than she had imaged.

Then again, no one had ever imagined they would encounter any survivors.

In her dreams, the ground had been the manifestation of freedom with a million different of choices for everyone to make, not just the right and wrong they all had to live by on the Ark.

But reality was never quite the same, was it?

A heavy drop of water landed on Clarke's forehead and when she looked up in reflex to find its source, another one landed right on the tip of her nose.

For a moment the world around her seemed to stand still. The wind had died down, rendering the leaves motionless above her and allowing her a glimpse past them. The sky beyond was dark grey.

And then, like someone had reached up and ripped open the clouds, rain came pouring down. Within seconds Clarke was soaked, her hair sticking to the side of her face, her clothes to her skin.

A high pitched sound drew her eyes ahead to see Raven and Bellamy freeze momentarily, their faces a grimace of shock and objection. A second later, they started running towards Ton DC, not wasting even one glance in Clarke's direction.

Clarke sighed and just didn’t like running. In fact, she somehow enjoyed the downpour. She continued waking and following after her friends, she concentrated on the feeling raindrops drumming on her skin. She breathed in deeply to absorb the different scents the rain elicited from the forest.

It wasn't her first rain on earth, but unlike most of her people, she hadn't grown to despise it. To her, the rain felt cleansing somehow, washing away the dirt, dust, blood and tears that had collected on her skin and clothes over the days.

She was in no hurry to get back to Ton DC and thus strolled down the path leading back to camp, taking the time to look around. Something, she realized, she hadn't done since before earth had turned out to have more weapons than just simple radioactivity up its sleeve.

The green of the leaves was mesmerizing. It was the kind of green she had never managed to create with her art supplies up on the Ark. In between sat blossoms in a rich purple, like they were carefully placed decorations. Tiny waterfalls poured from their petals to the ground, drawing little rivers into the dirt.

Clarke stared at the scenery and for a brief moment she felt as if she was weightless. All her worries and doubts, the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach disappeared. Her eyes moved from one flower to the next like she was tracing a painting with the tip of her finger when something suddenly caught her attention.

Right next to the very last blossom, a pair of eyes were staring back at her. Whoever was hiding in there, had managed to melt with the scenery so perfectly, she couldn't tell where the person began and the forest ended. Except for those dark, almost black eyes, looking right at her without blinking.

Her moment of escape came to a sudden end and Clarke felt tension flood her veins once more. She clenched her jaw and her hands to fists, turned on her heel and marched angrily back to Ton DC. 

She didn't even feel the rain anymore, even though it was dripping from her chin, her fists and the tips of her hair. She was boiling with rage.

Clarke knew she had to agree to certain compromises when forming the alliance. But forbidding her to leave camp and having her followed - she had to draw the line somewhere.

Arriving in Ton DC, Clarke headed for the Commander's guarded tent without a moment of hesitation. The two men on either side of the entrance regarded her with suspicious looks but since she was the sky people's voice, it appeared their orders were to let her pass.

Clarke pushed the curtain mimicking a door to the side, her eyes searching the rather large space until they fell upon Lexa. The Commander was staring at the war table on which they had built a miniature model of Mount Weather.

"You have me followed!", Clarke exclaimed furiously.

If Lexa was surprised by her unannounced entrance, she did an amazing job at hiding it. It was almost as if she'd expected her.

The Commander didn't move, her hands stayed flat on the table, her eyes fixed on the model she was bending over.

Clarke stared at her as if her eyes could compel her to turn around.

"Protected.", Lexa said calmly, confidence resonating in her voice. 

Slowly she straightened up and turned around to look Clarke in the eye. It was one of the few times her green eyes were not surrounded by black flames and it was fascinating how much softer her features looked, how much gentler her eyes met her own. 

"I had to you protected."

For a moment, Clarke was stunned by the Commander's words. To Clarke her stalker had been a sign of distrust but Lexa’s words sounded sincere.

"I can take care of myself.", she finally said stubbornly, after she decided that Lexa could be sincere all she wanted, she still couldn't go around making decisions involving her without talking to her first.

"I have no doubt that you can, Clarke." the Commander said with half a nod, not allowing Clarke's emotions to irritate her. She took a few steps towards her and Clarke felt herself stiffen.

"It is only a precaution.", she added now an arm’s length away from Clarke. 

"Without you there is no alliance. Since you are disobeying my orders not to leave camp, I am forced to guarantee for your safety in other ways."

Clarke stared at her in disbelieve. Her words were disapproving but her voice carried a softness she had never heard from Lexa before. Her green eyes were looking into hers so intensely, it almost felt like she was diving into her and suddenly, Clarke had a hard time breathing.

Her mouth opened and closed in an attempt to answer but words failed her – something Clarke was not used to. On the Ark she had been known to always have the last word.

"You're right.", she finally managed to get past her lips and looked up to meet the Commander's eyes again. 

"I just... we...", she babbled, not sure if she really wanted to tell Lexa why the three of them had left Ton DC, if she really wanted to give her another reason to think, the sky people were weak and foolish. 

Clarke already knew what she'd think of returning to a nameless grave to remember and honor the day the dead had been born.

Lexa raised her hand, palm facing Clarke, to silence her. 

"I don't need to know the nature of your trip. The only thing I need to know: are you ready to be the leader your people need?"

Clarke swallowed and held her breath for a moment, feeling her body vibrate with a mixture of fear and sense of responsibility fighting a battle within her. 

She wanted to answer that she was, but once more doubt crept into her veins, making its way to her heart. Was she ready? Could she be a leader to her people, one that did them justice?

Lexa's green eyes were locked with Clarke's and radiated a calming confidence that slowed her heart and somehow managed to silence the chaos in her head.

Finally, she nodded. "I am."

The Commander held her gaze for a moment longer in acknowledgement.

"Good.", she said before turning around.

Clarke felt suddenly cold and herself shivering.

"You should get changed before you fall ill.", Lexa told her and she could it hear it in her voice, she had just been dismissed.

Clarke stared at her back for a moment, trying to figure out what had just happened but failed to make much sense of it and the more her body shivered, the less she was able to think. Eventually she acted on Lexa's suggestion to get changed and left her tent to head to her own close by.

* * *

It was still dark when Clarke opened her eyes and she frowned, wondering what had woken her. She felt so drained, her eyelids so heavy, there was no way she had simply woken up on her own.

Clarke sat up, rubbing her burning eyes and listened into the night. 

The crackling of the fire was a constant sound after dark, she hardly noticed it anymore, as were the occasional footsteps. Someone was always awake in the warrior’s camp of Ton DC – the patrolling guards; the posts reporting in after change of shift; the sleepless warriors spending their nights carving weapons.

And there it was. Clarke's head shot up as the horn sounded and she knew, it was the second time. She jumped to her feet instantly and hurried out of her tent. The space between the tents and around the fires were filled with grounder warriors, their heads turned to the night sky.

Out of the corner of her eyes Clarke noticed Lexa leaving her tent just as Indra hurried towards her. They talked for a moment, Indra nodded and drawing her sword she headed for the horses at the edge of the camp with a tail of warriors ready to fight.

Before Clarke could even process what had just happened, Indra and her men where galloping away. The gate was being pushed open to let them pass. She stared after them and as the seconds ticked by, the crowd around her began to buzz with whispers. She drew her eyes away from the gate being closed again and searched for the Commander.

Her green eyes met Clarke's and she felt encouraged to close the distance between them.

"What's going on?" she asked. "What was the signal about?"

"Our scouts at the dam are in trouble.", Lexa said quietly and looked at the closed gate. What happened behind it to her warriors either of them could only guess. 

The Commander's face showed no sign of compassion for her people, or any other emotion for that matter. But there was something in her eyes and the way she was looking after them, that hinted the leader of the grounders was not as indifferent on the inside as she wanted everyone to believe.

Clarke felt the need to say something comforting. "I'm sure they'll be fine. Your warriors are excellent fighters."

Clarke knew that her words were meaningless before Lexa's eyes met her own coldly. 

"They have been turned into reapers and died inside that Mountain for centuries. How good of a warrior you are does not matter when the enemy outnumbers or overpowers you."

Clarke swallowed. Her attempt to be comforting had backfired and left her feeling like the sky had ripped open once more, pouring down on only her.

"You're right, I'm sorry.", she said quietly and dropped her eyes to stare at the ground. 

Looking at Lexa when her green eyes were tightly shut doors to what lay beyond was intimidating and made her feel small and foolish.

The seconds that ticked by felt endless but Clarke didn't dare look at Lexa again. She was hoping the Commander would leave her without another word and she could pretend her poor attempt to pour oil on trouble water hadn't ever happened. 

And if she was being honest, were the roles were reversed, hearing her words from the Commander wouldn't offer much comfort either.

But with the alliance being so new and the damage Finn had done, being around the grounders and their leader felt like trying to maneuver a safe way through a mine field and somehow Clarke seemed to manage to step exactly on every single hidden explosive. 

She couldn't blame it all on misunderstanding each other because of their different ways either.

Clarke still mourned Finn's death, was still haunted by the warmth of his blood on her hands, just like Lexa had told her she would be. 

Somehow this had made a very straight forward Clarke with a lot of principals and a clear conscious slowly spiral out of control. It was hard being here in Ton DC where the tree people still hated her and their eyes followed her everywhere with spite. It was even harder to be a leader to her people, to be the link between two completely different worlds when you were losing yourself in doubt, pain and regret.

"You don't need to be sorry, Clarke.", Lexa interrupted her thoughts, her voice quieter now. 

Clarke lifted her head and hesitantly met green eyes. 

"I understand your intention, I can appreciate your effort.", she continued and for a moment her features softened slightly and Clarke caught a glimpse of the woman she was underneath all that armor, war paint and responsibility.

"But my people are warriors. I am a warrior. False hope, empty words, are a waste of our time. We favor silence over words without meaning.", Lexa said and with every word, her features grew a little harder, her eyes slightly narrowing at Clarke.

Clarke’s furrowed her brows at the rapid change in Lexa’s demeanor. It was like she had just been talking to two different people. Clarke felt overwhelmed and lost. One of her strengths had always been that she was good at reading people and knew how to talk to them in order to get through, but with the leader of the grounders she kept constantly running into walls and whenever she thought she finally was on the right track, Lexa proved her wrong.

She simply nodded, unable to think of anything to say. The Commander hinted one in return and Clarke took it to be dismissed and free to go. She took a step back and turned around, about to make her first step when Lexa spoke again.

"I will require your company after sunrise.", she stated simply and Clarke didn't fail to notice it wasn't much of a question but an order. For a moment she stiffened. Something inside her was putting up all her defenses whenever the Commander told her what to do.

She took a deep breath, knowing that objecting was not an option and would only jeopardize the alliance more, and said: "Yes, Heda."

For a moment neither of them moved and Clarke wondered if Lexa took it as a form of disrespect that she had not faced her. Even though she didn't really want to turn around and find the Commander once more looking at her disapprovingly, she couldn't endure standing there waiting for her to just disappear and so Clarke turned around, with her shoulders slightly sunken and her eyes on the ground, a silent sigh of defeat passing her lips.

But where she expected to find the Commander's booted feet was nothing but dirt. Clarke looked up and around but Lexa was gone. A tiny wrinkle appeared on the bridge of her nose as she kept searching in the mass of the people around her but neither of them had even a slight similarity to their commander.

She really needed to learn how to move without a sound, Clarke thought, and headed back to her tent, impressed by the Commander's disappearance. Not that she hadn't been fascinated by the grounder's leader before. Intimidated, yes. She also thought Lexa would benefit from allowing her heart to weigh into her decisions. But above all, the Commander was like no one she'd ever met. Even though most of the time Lexa wore her emotionless mask of the leader and her voice was dominant and bidding, her orders clear and merciless, for some reason Clarke felt there was a lot more to her than just what meets the eye.

The camp had quieted down when the blonde went back into her tent and while the people in Ton DC awaited the return of their warriors safe and sound, Clarke went to lay back down, interlaced her hands on her stomach and stared up at the thin canvas only partly hiding the stars beyond it from her.

While she waited for sleep to take her away, her mind kept holding on to the Commander, no matter how much she tried to steer it in another direction and when her thoughts finally turned into a vivid dream, Lexa was still there.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – Training Ground

 

 

The sky was turning a light pink as the sun began rising, awakening the birds and people in Ton DC.

 

 

Lexa stepped out of her tent and into the sunlight, allowing herself a moment to linger in its warm embrace before continuing on her way. The sword at her side was accompanying every second step with a metallic _clonk._ She pushed aside the curtain hiding the inside of Clarke's tent from the eyes of the camp and was just about to open her mouth to address her when her eyes fell upon a curled up bundle of a young woman, wild blonde curls hiding half of her face. 

 

 

Behind closed eyelids her eyes were moving restlessly, indicating she was dreaming and Lexa caught herself wondering what was occupying her subconscious.

 

 

For a moment she just stood there, her eyes mapping Clarke’s features and debated, whether she should allow her to rest or wake her. The Commander in her demanded the latter but Lexa knew her guest has had a turbulent time on the ground, to say the least - and a war ahead of her. She could do with all the sleep she managed to get while she could.

 

And the better rested Clarke was, the sharper her mind and the more useful she would be, she justified her decision to leave the leader of the sky people be and left her tent. She told one of her men to bring Clarke to her when she was ready and headed to the training ground on her own.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke kept her eyes fixed on the bearded giants' back as she followed him on a path through Ton DC she had not yet walked. She could feel the eyes of the grounders on her, following her every move. She could almost hear their spiteful thoughts, could almost feel the pain they wanted to cause her.

 

She tried hard not to let it get to her but the path seemed endless and fear was slowly creeping up her spine, making her shiver.

 

Her steps became stiff and hurried the longer she followed the Commander's guard to wherever he was leading her – it was not like she was being told anything around here – and was trying so hard to ignore the looks that she didn't notice her guide hat stopped in front of her.

 

Clarke collided with his back so hard she was stumbling backwards the next instant and landed on her behind. With her palm she covered her nose which was throbbing but managed to keep herself from groaning from the sudden pain that radiated from her tailbone through her body.

 

All around her laughter broke lose, echoing in her head. The grounders didn't get to see her burn but at least they got to see her make a fool of herself.

 

Clarke felt her cheeks flush hot pink and wished herself back up into space. Suddenly a miniature cell didn't seem all that bad. At least she was brought food and clean clothes, got to shower regularly and could spend her time expressing herself through her art instead of this.

 

Instead of fighting every single day for survival – her own and that of her people – of having to justify herself over and over to everyone. Instead of feeling like she was never good enough and having doubt and fear as a constant companion. Instead of feeling the pain Finn's death left her with, like someone had cut right through her heart and with every beat she could feel it bleed. Instead of...

 

“Daun ste pleni*!”, Lexa's shouted, silencing her people and Clarke's mind. She looked up to see the Commander walk towards her with slow but confident strides and regarded her people with a look so intense and daunting, they all dropped their heads to escape her eyes.

 

When Lexa reached her, Clarke was still sitting in the dirt. The Commander glared at the bystanders.

 

“This ends now.”, she went on, her voice so low it reminded Clarke of a growling hound. “The sky people march with us now. Their fight is our fight. Their people are our people.”

 

A heavy silence met the Commander's words. Some of the grounders were looking at their leader, other didn't dare. Clarke could tell the people around her were not happy about Lexa's words but didn't dare speak their minds and she could feel their hatred towards herself being fueled.

 

The brunette closed the remaining distance between her and Clarke to offer her outstretched hand. The blonde hesitated when a wave of murmurs ran through the circle of grounders. She still had to learn a lot about their traditions and way of life but if she had to guess right now, their Commander personally offering her assistance wasn't very common.

 

She realized she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she took the Commander's hand her people would despise her even more – for getting special treatment when all they wanted for her and all the sky people was to burn.

 

If she refused, Clarke was certain, they would take it as an incredible insult and thinking they hated her now, she didn't even want to guess how much worse things would get then. Maybe it would even break the alliance.

 

And if she kept debating this any longer, not decided for either one, she would also be in trouble.

 

Finally, Clarke reached for the Commander's hand, her fingers closing around the leather protecting her wrist and felt Lexa grab a tight hold of hers, pulling her to her feet with a strength she wouldn't necessarily put past her.

 

Clarke had to put no effort at all in getting back on her feet and stood there with her lips parted in astonishment. She could feel the warmth of her fingertips pressing against her skin through the thin sleeve of her shirt and for a brief moment when Clarke's eyes met hers, their green seemed deeper than any ocean could possibly be and she felt herself getting lost in them.

 

Abruptly, Lexa let go off her arm and caused her fingers to slip Lexa’s. Her features hardened and her eyes returned to their piercing way of looking at Clarke, as if the Commander had realized she had let down her guard, even if it was for just one second.

 

Barking something in Trigedasleng Clarke didn't understand, the people around them started moving and filled the air with the sound of footsteps and the song their armor sang when in motion.

 

“This way.”, Lexa told her when they were almost left alone and led the rest of the way to what Clarke realized must be their training ground.

 

Amazed she looked around. In the middle were four logs placed in a large square, the wood covered with notches where blades had met them. To the left stood a row of targets, dark red circles painted on them and Clarke wondered, if the paint was really blood.

 

Lexa crossed the large space which was empty except for them and grabbed a sword off the wall where all the training weapons were hanging neatly arranged by type.

 

Clarke followed her hesitantly, taking in her surroundings. To the right was an area where the dirt was noticeably flat, like it had been purposefully evened as best as possible. The ground was lighter there, too. In all of Ton DC the ground was so dark, it appeared almost black but here, the ground was a shade of brown and light enough to give the dark spots splattered across the area enough contrast to be noticed. Clarke had seen enough blood by now to recognize it such.

 

“Here.”, Lexa interrupted her examination. Clarke turned to look at her and found the Commander holding the blade of a sword, pointing its hilt toward her.

 

“Take it.”, she ordered.

 

“What?”, Clarke asked with a mixture of surprise and shock. “What for?”

 

“I will teach you how to fight.”, Lexa stated simply and encouraged her with a nod toward the weapon to take it out of her hand.

 

Clarke breathed a laugh of disbelief.

 

“No, thanks.”, she said, shaking her head. “I'm good.”

 

Lexa’s brows furrowed. “That is an arrogant thing to say. Not to mention incorrect.”

 

Clarke looked at her irritated until it dawned on her and she couldn't help but chuckle.

 

“No, that's not what I meant.”, she said and saw Lexa's confusion arch her eyebrows slightly.

 

“I mean, I've survived this far, I candle handle myself.”

 

Lexa’s features relaxed with apprehension and her eyes returned to their piercingly stern way of looking at Clarke.

 

“My people and I can not rely on you handling yourself. I need to be certain that you can fight to protect yourself and them, if need be.”, she said coolly and pushed the sword closer to Clarke.

 

“If you want to fight at our side, you need to be capable of more than pointing your gun.”

 

Clarke swallowed and felt her muscles tense. She was utterly overwhelmed with the situation. The hilt was only about a hand away from her and Lexa's eyes were demanding she take it from her.

 

She wanted to scream no, she wanted to turn around and leave. She wanted to be Raven and shine with her genius and skills. But instead she kept having to face more and more situations where she was just so far out of her depth.

 

“I need to know you can lead us to victory if I fall.”, the Commander said, quieter this time but insisting.

 

Whether she said it because she meant it or simply to get through to her, Clarke couldn't tell. Either way, her words pushed the right buttons and she found herself grabbing hold of the sword.

 

Her arm dropped a little, the weapon heavier than she had anticipated. The hilt felt oddly pleasant in her hand, fitting into it perfectly. Clarke moved the sword around a little, letting it glide from side to side to get a feel for it and hardly noticed the Commander drawing another sword from the sheath on her back.

 

Clarke felt a strange confidence rush through her, as if the weight of the sword was anchoring her doubts and worries.

 

“Attack me.”, the Commander ordered her and when Clarke looked up, she saw the tip of her sword pointed with an arm’s length at her neck.

 

It wasn't just Lexa's intimidating fighting posture and eyes glowing with determination that held her back or the fact that Clarke was very well aware she didn't stand a chance.

 

“No way.”, Clarke objected and took a step back, holding the sword in front of her as mere protection.

 

“If I hurt you, your people are going to kill all of us.” 

 

The Commander froze for a moment, staring at her with bewilderment written all over her face.

 

“Now you _are_ being arrogant, Clarke of the sky people.”, she finally said, relaxing her posture a little and Clarke thought she saw the hint of a smile tug on her lips.

 

And then, without Clarke even realizing what was happening, she felt her sword being lifted from her hand with one swift motion from Lexa. After the sound of metal on metal, the weapon flew into the air and all she could do was stare at it as the hilt landed in Lexa's left hand and before she could even react, felt its tip press lightly against her throat.

   
“If I were you.”, Lexa told her, her voice low but softer this time and Clarke thought she could hear a trace of amusement resonating in her words. “I would worry about my own safety.”

 

Fear was rushing through Clarke's veins, her heart pounding so hard and fast and with every beat, she felt her artery pulse against the sharp tip. Holding her breath, she didn't dare move.

 

The seconds that ticked by seemed endless but allowed her mind to spring into gear. Without her, there was no alliance, Lexa had told her. She was not going hurt her, she was testing her, pushing her to her limits.

 

The Commander finally let the sword sink and offered Clarke the hilt once more. This time, she only hesitated for a split second before grabbing it again and widening her stand to be more balanced.

 

“Attack me.”, Lexa prompted her once more and Clarke obeyed instantly, raising her sword over her head and tried to taking a swing at the Commander who simply shifted her weight and waited for Clarke to stumble forward before hitting the hilt of her own sword painfully into her side, causing her to gasp.

 

She lost her balance and felt her weapon slip from her hand. She fell on her knees and hands and coughed as her muscles contracted against the blow.

 

She was given a moment to recover, the pain dying down from agonizing to bearable but still accompanying every of her breaths. When she sat back on her heels to take another deep breath in order to collect herself, the Commander was offering her a hand once more.

 

Picking up her weapon first, she allowed Lexa to pull her to her feet.

 

“You have a lot to learn.”, Lexa said but there was no judgment in her voice.

 

Clarke looked into the Commander's eyes and was surprised about the softness and empathy she found in them, almost as if she, too, had felt the pain she had just caused more than once.

 

“Let us begin.”, she said and after taking a deep breath, Clarke nodded.

 

The hesitation and doubt she had felt only minutes ago were gone. In their place curiosity and ambition had sprouted and were flooding her body with energy.

 

Though it wasn't just the fighting that motivated her.

 

It were the glimpses Lexa had given her, of the woman behind the Commander. They were sparking her interest and she started to think that she had more reasons than the impending war for seeking out Clarke's company.

 

She couldn't really tell what Lexa saw in her, why she had hand-picked her to speak for her people in the first place, but she knew there was something Lexa desperately tried to hold back and yet, couldn't keep herself from pursuing.

 

And maybe if Clarke figured it out, she could use it to her people's advantage at some point.

 

 

* * *

 

* Daun ste pleni = That is enough


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – Nothing To Hide**

 

 

Clarke swallowed without chewing and ripped another piece of flesh off the bone. She couldn't get the food down fast enough for her growling stomach and was so focused on answering her body’s needs, she forgot all manners.

 

Eventually she realized that Raven and Bellamy were staring at her like she had two heads.

 

“What?”, she asked confused between chewing and looked from one to the other.

 

“That's disgusting.”, Bellamy finally said, smirking. “When did you turn into an animal?”

 

Clarke closed her mouth and finished chewing, feeling her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

 

“Sorry, I'm starving.”, she said defiantly, her stomach still clenching painfully. She pressed her hand flat onto it in an attempt to sooth it.

 

“Obviously.”, Raven stated dryly and furrowed her brows, taking a bite of her bread.

 

“Where were you all day anyway?”

 

Clark froze at the question and met her friend's suspicious eyes.

 

Ever since Finn's death, Raven had it in for her. Not that she could blame her, they had both loved him but Clarke had only really known him a very short time.

 

She couldn't even begin to imagine the kind of pain Raven was feeling after knowing and loving him for years. To her, Finn was gone and it was all Clarke's fault. He had lost it and killed all those grounders because he had been under the assumption they had killed Clarke. And if he hadn't even fallen in love with her, he would be sitting here with them.

 

But no matter how much Raven hated her guts for the role she had played in his death, she could never blame her more than Clarke already blamed herself. Her head could never quite convince her heart.

 

“She was with Lexa.”, a voice behind Clarke answered for her and in the next second, Octavia stepped out of the darkness that had settled over Ton DC into the light of the camp fire the three were sitting around. She grabbed a bread from the basket sitting between Raven and Clarke on the ground and sat down next to Clarke, taking a large bite.

 

Raven looked from Clarke to Octavia and back again.

 

“All day?”, she asked suspiciously and put her elbows on her knees, staring at Clarke.

 

Clarke felt cornered and she didn't really know why.

 

So what? She had been made the voice of her people, Lexa was the leader of the grounders, wasn't it kind of mandatory that the two of them spent time together? How they spent it was an entirely different matter and also not what Raven was getting upset about.

  
Clarke put down her plate and met Raven's eyes.

 

“You know what Raven? How about you make the decisions from now and get your ass handed to you every single time. How does that sound?”, Clarke exploded suddenly and barked at Raven.

 

She could see both Bellamy and Octavia flinch in the corner of her eyes and even Raven didn't expect a reaction like this from her. The surprise softened her features a little and Clarke realized this was maybe not the best but obviously an effective way to get her off her back at least for the moment. And it wasn't like she had to make something up, either.

 

“I'm doing the best I can and all everybody does, is blame me. I'm sick of it!”, she went on, her voice carrying through the night, attracting the attention of the grounders around them.

 

Dozens of eyes were on Clarke and she instantly regretted going this far, even though she was really just speaking her mind at last.

 

Clarke jumped to her feet and turning on her heel, she stormed off. She was annoyed that, no matter day or night, camp Jaha or Ton DC, surrounded by grounders or her own people, she just didn't seem to be allowed a moment in peace.

 

Reaching her tent, she threw the curtain mimicking a door aside so forcefully, the frame of her space trembled.

 

She was panting with anger, her hands clenched to fists, and stared into the little room the canvas made hers. The bed was carved out of the trunk of a tree and covered with furs and blankets to make it more comfortable than Clarke had initially thought it could be. Her backpack was leaning against it. To her left was a small table put together with branches that held a bowl of water for her to freshen up.

 

Still tense, Clarke decided to call it an early night and without taking off any of her clothes – something she had grown used to here on earth – lied down on her bed. She rolled to her side, wrapping her arm around her stomach that, now she was slowly calming down, continued to remind her how hungry she was.

 

She pressed her arm against her stomach a little tighter. Through a gap in the curtain the fire painted dancing lights onto the floor to occupy her eyes with.

 

Clarke felt her body ache now it was finally allowed some rest, felt her muscles burn and her skin throb where bruises covered her.

 

Lexa had been merciless, had pushed her to meet every limit her body and mind had. She had also been very good at teaching her and even Clarke had noticed improvements in her technique quickly.

 

At the end of the day, after she had felt the Commander's blade against her neck too many times to count, had been kicked to the ground even more often, she had felt a sense of accomplishment, like she now stood at least a slight chance if she had no gun but a sword in her hand. 

 

Clarke couldn't help the shy smile that conquered her lips. Today, though utterly exhausting and sore, was the first day in a long time she felt like she was more than prey.

 

Having Lexa train her, pointing out her weaknesses and how to compensate them, showing her how to cause maximum damage with minimal effort and how to protect herself, had been exhilarating. Though she was aching now, it was the kind of pain making her feel more alive than she had in a while.

 

Clarke's mind started wandering as the camp outside slowly quieted down. She thought of Lexa and wondered how she had become the woman she was today. What had happened to make her the Commander and had she wanted to take on the duty or simply not been given any choice?

 

She tried to imagine her with the lover Clarke knew had been killed because of her title and power.

 

Clarke tried to create a mental image of Costia, not so much what she looked like but who she was. Was she like Lexa? Focused, determined and factual or had she been the opposite - compensating her duties and responsibilities with warmth, safety and love? Had she made her laugh?

 

Clarke wondered what her laugh sounded like but her imagination failed her. It belonged to a side of Lexa she wasn't supposed to know.

 

After all, she was only here in Ton DC as means to an end. Her people needed the grounders for their sheer numbers and ability to fight while they needed her and the sky people for their understanding of Mount Weather and its technology. To save their people was everyone's goal and it was, what united them. It should be the only thing on Clarke's mind and yet...

 

* * *

 

 

She couldn't have slept long, the fire outside was still burning and no birds were yet chirping in keen anticipation for another day. Sitting up, Clarke's stomach was growling loudly and she could even feel it turn. She pressed her hand on it but it didn't offer much relief.

 

Debating whether or not she should wait until sunrise to answer her stomach's noisy demand, Clarke decided that the middle of the night would probably be a more peaceful time to eat. At least no one would be there to see and judge her.

 

She got up and slipped outside, trying to maneuver her way through the camp without attracting too much attention. A few heads turned briefly as she passed but no spiteful eyes were following her now.

 

Clarke wasn't sure whether it was due to the late hour and fewer grounders around or if their Commander's words were being obeyed.

 

She was heading towards the storage tent, looking over her shoulder as she went. She wasn't even sure if she was allowed to enter and take any of the supplies. Standing in front of it, she hesitated. The tent wasn't protected and as if her stomach was trying to will her to enter, it growled loudly once more.

 

She hadn't finished her dinner, she argued with herself, so basically she was just catching up on that. Looking over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't being watched, Clarke finally mustered the courage to enter and ran against a wall of so many scents, she couldn't identify a single one.

 

She couldn't see much of what was stashed here, only a basket of apples and loafs of bread that were sitting on a wooden shelf illuminated by what little light fell through the gap of the entrance.

 

Clarke grabbed two apples and a loaf of bread and hurried back outside, taking a few steps away from the storage and looked around if anyone had seen her but it was just her and the darkness of the night.

 

She stuffed the apples into the pockets of her jacket and then ripped a piece of bread off the loaf. Chewing, she started walking and realized, when she heard the faint sound of metal meeting metal, she was headed in the wrong direction.

 

Pausing for a moment, she was looking back to where her tent was and then down the path she was headed, recognizing it as the one she had been lead down in the morning. Clarke frowned and taking another bite from her bread, let her curiosity get the better of her.

 

The closer she got the louder the clanking grew and was mixed with noises of struggle and the faint sound of footsteps on soft ground.

  
Reaching the fenced area, three pairs of warriors where dueling each other in the training arena Clarke had spent most of her day in. The large space was only lit by a single torch in one corner, the flames too weak to cover all of it.

 

Which seemed to be the point, Clarke guessed. They were training to be able to fight to their best ability even when they could not rely on their eyes properly. Darkness was one thing but the dancing flames were irritating even her and she was just standing there, watching.

 

Now that she had some basic knowledge on how to fight, watching them move, attack and ward off was quite instructional. Making sure the light of the torch didn't give her away, she moved a little closer to study their techniques and made mental notes to try some combinations next time she got a chance.

 

Her loaf of bread was slowly disappearing and when her stomach grumbled again, it was with satisfaction.

  
Feeling full, Clarke also felt the weariness creep into her bones and tug on her consciousness. She rubbed her eyes and decided she should better return to her bed for what was left of the night.

 

Coming up the path and just taking the corner leading to her tent, she heard noises in her back and turning around, saw the gates being opened. At first, she saw nothing but darkness but soon a white spot formed in the gap the open doors left. Quickly it grew bigger until she recognized the shape of a horse.

 

The gray horse came racing in, foam dripping from his mouth and eyes wide with panic. The Commander on its back willed it to slow down and stop with a gentle tug at the reins and a low, hardly audible “hooooo”.

 

Lexa petted his neck, trying to calm him and Clarke noticed four deep gashes across his chest, turning his spotless white fur a dark red all the way down to his hooves.

 

Lexa jumped from his back, rubbing his neck and soothingly stroked his nose. At first the horse was throwing his head back but Lexa remained calm and kept her hands on him and Clarke could watch how he slowly relaxed, his popping veins becoming one with his muscles again, his breathing slowing down and the panic faded from his eyes.

 

Lexa's guard took over her horse and nodded when she gave him an order in Trigedasleng. Around Lexa, her warriors had also dismounted and were following the gray horse with their own down a path leading into the heart of Ton DC.

 

Clarke was still standing there, frozen to the ground, staring at the Commander who was looking after her horse and stood with her back to her. She debated whether she should just hide and head for her tent, pretending she hadn't seen any of this or find out what Lexa had been up to in the middle of the night when she watched Lexa walk the other way and flinch noticeably.

 

With her hand, she pressed onto her right side just beneath her ribs and heard her suck in the air sharply. She took away her hand again to look at it and even Clarke could see the blood, glistening the little light of the dying camp fires.

 

“You're hurt.”, Clarke said worriedly without thinking and approached the Commander without hesitation. Lexa flinched again but this time it was due to her sudden appearance.

 

Clarke was just reaching out to examine the wound when Lexa stiffened and took a step back.

 

“It's nothing, I'm fine.”, Lexa said dismissively.

 

When Clarke looked from her wound to Lexa’s face, she met narrowed eyes surrounded by black war paint, looking at her warningly.

 

Clarke furrowed her brows and looked at her skeptically.

 

“That's not nothing.”, she told her, grabbing Lexa's hand completely covered in blood and made her wince once more “That is far from nothing.”, she insisted.

 

Lexa pulled her hand from Clarke's grip and glared at her. Clarke swallowed when the Commander's green eyes met hers with anger and frustration.

 

For a moment she considered obeying to her wishes. If she didn't want her help and act all tough, so be it. Clarke was just about to open her mouth and tell her “Fine” when Lexa's eyes clouded over and her face drained of all color. She swayed slightly and shook her head, trying to fight the weakness taking over her body.

 

Clarke noticed how she tried to assess from the corner of her eyes, how many of her people were watching her Commander waver but there was no one around anymore.

 

Instinctively, Clarke grabbed her wrist and put Lexa's arm around her shoulders, supporting her and leading her back to her tent. She could feel her trying to protest but walking seemed too painful for her to have enough breath left to speak.

 

Inside the tent she made her sit down and searched for supplies. She found a knife and a bowl, some cloths and a metal pitcher with water and returned to the Commander with it.

 

When she knelt down in front of her and picked up the knife, for a moment, green eyes met hers suspiciously and Lexa’s body tensed noticeably.

 

“I just want to help.”, she told her and decided being aggressive and stubborn wouldn't get her anywhere with the leader of the grounders.

 

“I know you don't want my help and you probably don't necessarily need it either but this is what I'm good at. This is what I know how to do so just...let me. Please?”, she went on and though she was also worried about the Commander's health, her words were still true.

 

Her mother had taught her everything about wounds and before they had locked her up condemning her a criminal, she had helped in the infirmary regularly and not just learned a lot but also felt as useful as one could possibly feel living in a box in space waiting for the day your life could begin on the ground.

 

The moment Lexa's eyes were searching in hers seemed endless and for some reason, Clarke didn't mind. She had nothing to hide and unlike the Commander, she wasn't afraid to admit she had more than one weakness. There was nothing Lexa could find in their depth, that was a secret. She was no warrior, she was just a girl who was trying to do right by her people and survive.

 

Finally, the Commander's eyes softened and she nodded, allowing Clarke to continue.

 

Taking a deep breath, Clarke brought the knife up to Lexa's torso. This time, she didn't tense but watched her hand as it cut away the fabric of her shirt and parts of the leather armor wrapped around her waist. Underneath was a cut about thirty centimeters long, reaching from her hip up to her ribs. Blood was seeping through the wound continuously. All of the skin Clarke had revealed under her clothes was covered with blood, half of which had already dried.

 

Lexa must've been hurt a while ago which was probably why it had managed to weaken her. The wound wasn't that deep but the Commander had kept going through the pain and with time, had lost enough blood to rob her of her strength and put her in danger.

 

“You should lie down.”, Clarke suggested and poured some water into the bowl before dipping one of the cloths into it.

 

Lexa didn't move and when Clarke looked at her, her eyes spoke volumes. She already moved beyond every boundary her title demanded and Clarke wondered, if even their healer was allowed in such close proximity to their Heda.

 

“Or you just keep sitting.”, she mumbled and felt her cheeks flush a little, realizing for the first time since she had noticed Lexa's injury, how close she was to her and how she had completely faded out the kind of power she had.

 

She wrung out the cloth and under green eyes monitoring every move, started cleaning around the wound and the closer she got, the more she felt Lexa’s muscles tense under her skin but no sound escaped her lips.

  
“I'll be right back.”, Clarke told the Commander and got up, realizing the wound would not stop bleeding on its own and considering how much blood she'd already lost, she needed to make sure she wouldn't lose any more.

 

“Please don't move.”, she added and was almost begging for Lexa to be sensible.

 

To her surprise, Lexa hadn't moved an inch when she returned from her tent with her backpack she put down next to the bowl. She rummaged through it, searching for some bandages she had taken with her from Camp Jaha.

 

Finally, she found what she was looking for and pulled three bandages and an almost empty bottle with clear liquid out of the bag.

 

Unscrewing the bottle, she shifted closer to Lexa.

 

“This is gonna hurt.”, she warned her and looked up to meet her eyes, waiting for the Commander to brace herself for the pain. She was met with another nod and watched Lexa press her lips tightly together and her muscles tense in preparation.

 

Clarke turned the bottle over and the moment the liquor met the wound, the brunette sucked in the air sharply. Panting, her hands clenched and teeth gritted. Clarke waited with a mixture of guilt and empathy for the Commander to collect herself again. Slowly her breathing stabilized and her muscles relaxed a little.

 

“Sorry.”, Clarke apologized and avoided her eyes, trying to give her space and not pry when her guard was down.

 

Unpacking two sterile bandages, she pressed them against the wound and caused Lexa to yelp in pain.

 

“Sorry!”, Clarke repeated and her voice resonated with sympathy. She still didn't dare meet those green eyes but took Lexa's clenched hand.

 

“Press down.”, she told her and reached for the third bandage to fix the other two with enough pressure in place to stop the bleeding.

 

“How did this happen anyway?”, she tried to distract the leader of the grounders as much as she wanted to satisfy her curiosity and wrapped the bandage around her waist loop after loop.

 

“Reapers.”, Lexa hissed through barely opened teeth and Clarke knew, that was all the information she was going to get.

 

Leaning in closer to Lexa to be able to wrap the layers around her torso tightly she felt a strange tingling sensation in the pit of her stomach.

 

Feeling Lexa’s warm skin under her hands, breathing seemed suddenly a lot harder to do. Her chest was rising and falling but air didn't seem to make it to her lungs.

 

Time felt like it was standing still, except for her heart racing in her chest and Clarke felt as if she would explode any second now. There was something about being this close to Lexa, that was almost painful.

 

Her hands were shaking when she reached the end of the bandage and tried tucking it under its layers to keep it from loosening but it took her three attempts to get it to stick.

 

Now her hands were idle, Clarke felt strangely awkward about her position, how she was kneeling in front of the Commander, the softness of her skin still lingering on her fingertips.

 

And this time, she didn't dare meet those green eyes for Lexa's benefit but because she didn't want her to see the confusion that was taking over inside of her. All of a sudden Clarke felt like she did have something to hide.

 

“Mochof*”, Lexa broke the silence and her voice was so gentle, the surprise drew Clarke's eyes to meet hers. She didn't understand much of their language but this one she knew.

  
As she looked at her, despite the war paint and smudges of blood across of her face, for the first time she didn't wear that mask supposed to keep her features cold and shielded from preying eyes searching for weakness. She wasn't looking at the leader of the grounders but at a woman who suddenly seemed much younger and on the inside fighting a war no alliance could help her win.

 

“Pro**”, Clarke answered softly and allowed a slight smile to curl the corner of her mouth. The moment their eyes locked seemed endless and much too short at the same time but in the end, it was Clarke who dropped her eyes. She couldn't take the intensity with which Lexa's eyes met hers.

 

“You should rest.”, she said and grabbed her backpack as she got up and headed for the entrance.  

 

Outside, Clarke paused and put her head back. She took a deep breath and felt the cool night air fill her lungs. She was hoping for it to clear her mind, too, but there was so much chaos in her head, too loud for her to focus.

 

She looked back at the entrance of the tent and wondered what would have happened if she had stayed. Would she have seen more of what Lexa was so fiercely trying to hide of herself behind the Commander?

 

Clarke felt so utterly confused and overwhelmed with what had just happened, she decided to let it be for now and headed back to her tent to allow sleep to take over for a little while, in hopes that tomorrow she would see everything more clearly.

 

 

* * *

*mochof = thank you

**pro = you're welcome

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – A Pit Full Of Bones**

 

 

The air was cooler up here, carrying the salt from the far away ocean and Lexa could taste it on her lips. Her hands were resting on the horn of her saddle as she looked down over all of Ton DC. Her warriors looked like tiny toy soldiers and the sky people in their midst were easily to be spotted by their different clothing.

 

She could feel the stallion beneath her breathe and lift his leg every now and again to shake a fly or insect but aside from that and the occasional flick of his tail, he remained perfectly still. He'd learned to appreciate the times where he could rest just like her people.

 

And rest, was all they could do while waiting.

 

The sky people had come up with a plan that in Lexa’s book, was no plan at all. The dark-haired boy had made his way back to Mount Weather in Lincoln’s company. He was supposed to pretend to still be one of their monstrous pets returning with another victim – Bellamy. It was supposed to a simple way to infiltrate the Mountain and secretly lower their defenses.

 

To Lexa all of it had sounded rather theoretical but every other plan to conquer Mount Weather had been destroyed the same thing over and over: the acid fog that protected the Mountain Men and kept all their enemy’s at a mile’s distance. Every army that had marched against them had fallen prey to the deadly white mist. Lexa had lost hundreds of men trying but no matter the time of day or night or year, they had always seen them coming.

 

So when Clarke had told Lexa about this new plan, she didn’t really believe it would work but she also had no alternative. In the end, it was better to try and fail than not to try at all.

 

To Lexa, his departure hadn’t made much of a difference. She had found Bellamy be dispensable. He was hot heated with a tendency to act before thinking and the need to try and prove something he himself didn’t seem to know exactly what it was. He was cocky and headstrong and seemed not too fond of the alliance, much like most of her own people.  

 

But what Lexa disliked most about him, was how he or rather his absence affected Clarke's focus. Lexa could see it in her eyes when she thought about him. They clouded over when her ears turned deaf to everything around her and she got lost inside her head.

 

The Commander had tried to figure out what it was, that held her mind prisoner but Clarke hadn't just improved on the training ground - the doors behind her eyes were also closing quickly.

 

Since Finn's death, she could watch her change before her eyes. One night she had heard her whisper, what had helped Lexa to focus on fulfilling her destiny and be who her people needed her to be.

 

“Love is weakness.”, Clarke had told the darkness of the night and the Commander had watched her features grow hard from a gap in the canvas that built the walls of her tent.

 

Clarke was learning the lesson Lexa had to learn years ago. You couldn't be a leader and make yourself vulnerable by loving. The way a leader had to care, was by clarity of mind, the fate and well-being of the all of her people was the only thing that mattered.

 

Around her, night was slowly falling, cooling the air further and silencing the birds in the trees. Beneath her, the camp fires were being lit one by one and collected people around them.

 

Lexa's eyes narrowed in anticipation for blonde curls to finally mix with the majority of dark heads but was let down. She spotted some of the sky people - the ones they call Abby, Marcus and Raven and two more whose names she did not remember - settling around one camp fire in silence, everyone focusing on their plates, while Octavia had taken her place with Indra's men.

 

How Octavia coped with her lover’s absence was much more to Lexa’s liking. She was growing more and more into one of them, spending her time training her body and mind, pushing herself to her limits and extending them until they disappeared one by one.

 

But Clarke was nowhere to be seen and Lexa knew she had once more barricaded herself into the space given to her and was staring a small black box that somehow would allow her to communicate with Bellamy once he made it inside the Mountain.

 

Unless summoned, Clarke hadn't let it out of sight or left the tent and though the Commander couldn't admit it, she felt a longing for her company.

 

“Heda.”, a soft growl broke the silence on the cliff.

 

“It's getting dark, we should head back.”

 

Out of the corner of her eyes Lexa saw her guard appear behind a tree on his black horse and she nodded, releasing her breath slowly.

 

She enjoyed being up here, away from all the noise, away from all the eyes following her – taking off the weight on her shoulders just for a little while.

 

This alliance was demanding everything from her. Joining the nations had been risky and was not sitting well with a lot of people. Joining forces with the sky people however had angered many and for the first time since she'd been chosen, her decisions and her capability was being questioned.

 

Up here she could clear her mind and let it wander and sometimes she caught herself wondering what her life would be like, had the Commander's spirit not chosen her.

 

Lexa grabbed hold of the reins and turned her white stallion around. Escape was not a possibility. This was her life, her duty, her _destiny_ and she had accepted it many years ago. To return to questions and fantasies would get her nowhere but into that horrible dark place of despair Costia’s death had put her in.

 

Her life allowed her as much room for what ifs as there was room for weakness.

 

The horses carried them downhill and with every step her stallion took, she could feel the healing wound on her side burn. Lexa held her head high, not allowing her body to give away any sign she was in pain.

 

To her, physical pain was something she treasured. It made her feel strong and in control - it was also the only thing that made her feel that she was actually alive.

 

By the time they reached the gates, night had settled over Ton DC, the light of torches and camp fires escorting them inside. As the gates were being shut again, Lexa put her right leg over the horse's neck to join the left one and slid out of the saddle to land with both feet on the ground.

 

The impact sent a wave of hot pain from her wound through her torso and caused her to suck in the air sharply. Sometimes she surprised herself with how far she kept pushing her boundaries.

 

Her stallion was being taken from her and lead away.

 

“Bring me Emil.”, she told her guard who nodded and left instantly while Lexa headed for her tent. She filled a cup of water while she waited and glanced at the war table in the middle of her space.

 

“You sent for me, Heda.”, a deep voice said behind her and taking a sip, she turned around.

 

“Has she stepped outside?”, the Commander inquired, straightening up to appear as tall as she possibly could – a habit she had become accustomed to ever since she had taken the throne.

 

The large man opposite her shook his head. Lexa looked him in the eye for a moment and then nodded in acknowledgment, dismissing him by raising her hand momentarily.

 

Lexa put down the cup but her fingers remained on its brim and absentmindedly, she ran her middle finger along it.

 

What was it, that was tormenting the girl who had fallen out of the sky, she wondered and instantly knew she shouldn't. That pale face framed by wild blonde curls and eyes as blue and deep as the ocean was haunting her, making it impossible for Lexa to get her out of her head.

 

She felt frustrated. With herself and with Clarke. With the fact that she wanted to understand her, what guided her decisions, but couldn't.

 

Aggressively, she took off her armor and scrubbed off the black flames that had surrounded her eyes, concentrating on the cool water on her skin, on the throbbing of her wound every motion caused, letting it block her thoughts for the moment.

 

It only lasted until she fell back on her bed and listened to the night. In the distance, a few crickets where chirping. Outside her tent she could hear the fire crackling as its flames ate away at the wood, slowly turning it to ash. Lexa crossed her arms behind her head and exhaled heavily.

 

Had she not learned her lesson? Did she not still feel the agony of her heart shattering into a million pieces the moment she had to look into Costia's dead eyes? Did she not still feel the guilt?

 

Lexa felt her eyes fill with burning tears. The memories of the day she had learned what the price of being the Commander was haunting her once more. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes, trapping her tears to keep them from falling. She was done with that. She couldn't allow herself to be overwhelmed by a past written in stone.  
  
She had to focus on what lay ahead – on the future – on the war.

 

The Commander got up again and dedicated herself to the war table and its miniature model of Mount Weather and went over the plan once again in her head, questioning every of their moves so far to make sure they hadn't missed something that would end in their failure to free the prisoners.

 

She was so focused on the table, Lexa didn't realize how much time was passing and neither did she take notice of the commotion happening outside.

  
“Let go of me!”

 

The sound of the voice just outside her tent was getting through to her at last. She frowned, noticing how she recognized the voice instantly as if she had listened to it all her life. She was just turning around, a puzzled look on her face when Clarke was being pushed inside by Emil who had a tight grip to her arm.

 

The Commander let her green eyes wander from her warrior to Clarke whose face was red with anger and her eyes were narrowed and piercingly staring back at her.

 

“Explain.”, Lexa said calmly, pushing her chin forward.

 

“Heda.”, the warrior said with a nod. “She was trying to climb the fence when the guards wouldn't allow her to leave through the gates.”

 

The Commander furrowed her brow as Clarke pulled her arm with a hard yank from her guard’s grip.

 

“Mochof.”, she told the warrior. “You may leave.”

 

The tall man took a slight bow and dropped his eyes.

 

“Yes, Heda.”, he answered with a voice so soft you didn't think a man his size capable.

 

Lexa watched him leave and so did Clarke before turning back to face the Commander, eyes sparkling with anger and frustration.

 

“I thought he was following me so I would not be a prisoner here.”, she snapped at Lexa and stepped up to the Commander until only and arm's length was left between them and clenched her fists.

  
Lexa held her stare and remained calm and collected, letting a few seconds tick by.

 

“You are not a prisoner, Clarke.”, she told her and allowed her voice to be a little softer than usual.

 

“It sure as hell feels like it.”, Clarke said, her temper making her voice shaky.

 

Lexa furrowed her brow once more. The way the sky people talked was confusing and misleading and sometimes she had to let their words settle for a moment to figure out what they meant.

 

“No one is to leave Ton DC after nightfall under normal circumstances. This applies to my people as well as yours.”, Lexa told her matter-of-factly.

 

“It is for everyone's safety not entrapment.”

 

Blue eyes were glaring at her for a moment longer and then Clarke turned around, bristling with anger.

 

“These are no normal circumstances.”, she muttered under her breath and stared at the ground leaving Lexa with the sight of her back, her shoulders rising and falling with heavy breaths.

 

The Commander knew Clarke's words weren't meant for her but only thoughts that were too loud to be kept inside.

 

Still, she couldn't help but ask: “What circumstances make it exceptional tonight?”

 

Clarke’s breaths slowed down and her fists unclenched but she stayed quiet. Her shoulders were sinking and though Lexa could not see her face, she sensed Clarke's anger had turned into devastation – or devastation had probably been the origin of her rage and now she had nothing to fuel it, was left with the emptiness of her helplessness.

 

“What if he's dead?”, she finally whispered and Lexa could hear the tears in her eyes reach into her voice.

 

“What if I sent him in there for nothing?”

 

Lexa swallowed, unsure what to tell her. She understood her sorrow but she hadn't listened to the part of herself that did in so long, she didn't know how to act on it. It wouldn't do any good either. They were facing a war and acting on thoughts that were birthed by feelings would be their death.

 

“So your strategy is to run after him in the middle of the night and share his fate?”, the Commander finally said factually and the lack of empathy in her words made Clarke face her, blue eyes swimming with tears met hers, searching in their depth as if she was trying to figure out whether Lexa was really as cold as she had just appeared.

 

“I was trying to find Lincoln. He should've been back by now. At least he could tell us if Bellamy made it inside.”, she answered, her voice shaking with frustration.

 

Lexa held her stare until the leader of the sky people dropped her eyes, a tear falling to the ground.

 

“At least I was doing _something_.”, she added barely audible and Lexa's jaw muscles clenched as she swallowed emphatically. It wasn't like she didn't understand Clarke's need to do something – anything – just to be able to tell herself she had _tried_.

 

“You're worry about him.”, the Commander put in words what was occupying her mind and caused her stomach to clench unpleasantly.

 

Clarke looked up again. “Of course I worry about him. I worry about all of them.”

 

Lexa knew that was true, but still she seemed to care about that boy more and somehow, she needed to know just in what way that was.

 

“It's different with him.”, she stated simply and concentrated hard on not allowing her a glimpse past the face of the Commander.

 

Clarke's blue eyes narrowed at her. Like she had expected her to, Clarke was searching in Lexa's eyes for all the things she didn't say. The Commander felt herself tense in fear she would see past her defenses. With everyone else she was always confident and knew how to show them exactly what they wanted to see but something about the leader of the sky people was unsettling.

 

“It should be me inside that Mountain, not him.”, Clarke finally said. “He has a sister to take care of, he's suffered and been through enough already. He should not have to risk his life for us all, he didn't sign up for this.”

 

Lexa exhaled the tension in her body slowly and nodded slightly. She understood. She didn't like telling her people to go fight and die for her either, but it was necessary. Though unlike the sky people, her warriors had had years of training and stood a much better chance in a fight. They had also grown up knowing their life's purpose was to fight and possibly die defending their Commander and the clan.

 

She also understood that Clarke’s worry for Bellamy was nothing more than guilt eating at her for having the part of the leader that required her to stay safe when her people – her friends and family – were risking their lives for her.

 

Clarke had not been prepared for that role like Lexa. She didn't see it as a necessary sacrifice or an honor. To Clarke it was torture now clearly visible in the chaos of her blue eyes, like the stirred up ocean after a heavy storm and Lexa remembered just how that feels.

 

“He knew the risk.”, the Commander told her as if it was a simple fact. “It was his choice he made for the sake of your people.”

 

Clarke furrowed her brows and pressed her lips together. Another wave of rage washed over her.

 

“He shouldn't have to.”, she pressed through gritted teeth.

 

“This is war, Clarke.”, Lexa told her, meeting her eyes intensely. “There is no room for should or would. There is no room for doubt - only actions. Bellamy understood his role in this fight. It is time you accept yours.”

 

She could see Clarke unravel before her eyes, her anger, frustration and fear taking over her face and body all at once.

 

“You are your people's leader. You are their reason and their voice. You can not keep going around acting like a foolish child. You can not save the forest from a fire by saving every tree. What matters in the end is that the forest still stands, not how many of its trees have been lost. And when the fire is spreading, to keep your forest safe, you will have to cut down some yourself.”

 

The Commander's voice had grown more intense, more powerful the longer she had talked and her torso had tipped slightly forward as she tried to make Clarke understand, making the gap between them a little smaller. 

 

“Victory stands on the back of sacrifice.”, she added, her voice calm but cold.

 

Lexa needed her to see what it meant to be a leader to her people so she could finally understand the Commander and her decisions.

 

She wanted – no she needed for Clarke to look at her with understanding and not the irritated confusion so often prominent on her face simply because she had not spent the past eighteen years on the ground and hadn’t being hunted like an animal or followed generations of warriors whose only goal it was to survive and pass their knowledge on to their children.

 

They did not have the luxury to be merciful or concern themselves with anything other than what contributed to their survival. But all Clarke seemed to see when she looked at them were barbarians.

 

Clarke's chest was rising and falling heavily, like breathing was a lot harder with the weight and meaning of the Commander's words. 

 

“There has to be another way.”, she breathed pleadingly.

 

Lexa held her gaze for a moment, allowing her to find the answer in their depth and she could see the exact moment when she did, her eyes widening and the bit of hope she was so desperately clinging to, being swallowed by the unavoidable truth.

 

Without another word, Clarke turned around and hurried out of the tent, leaving the Commander to exhale heavily, her features softening now that no one was left to see her unmask.

 

As much as she wanted the leader of the sky people to understand her, she wished more that she could spare her the pain.

 

* * *

 

 

The horse's steps where rhythmically carrying her through the forest, the pieces of armor that had collected over time over her clothes singing with the movement as did the armor and tack of her guards.

 

After her last conversation with Lexa, Clarke had requested to go back to Camp Jaha for the day. Though he didn't want to leave the radio, she couldn't take sitting there one more day and listen to nothing but silence, slowly losing her mind.

 

She had told the Commander, she wanted to look after the people who'd stayed behind and of course once there she would. But the true reason was to get her father's watch she hadn't been able to take with her after Finn's death.

 

In part, that watch had been a tool in his death and after she had washed his blood off it, she hadn't been able to wear or even look at it.

 

But, after all she'd been through since, after all Lexa had said and done, she needed that watch to feel close to her father. She needed _him_ more than anything right now and though she knew relying on an object to feel close to him was foolish, she couldn't help herself.

 

She needed something familiar in this chaos that had become her life, an anchor where she could collect herself, like she had been able to with her father when he had still been alive. In his presence, she had always found calmness and clarity.

 

Clarke looked around, trying to enjoy the scenery but the two guards in front and three behind her disrupted the peacefulness.

 

The Commander had insisted on her being heavily guarded for such a long way. Clarke thought it was way over the top and so did Raven, who was accompanying her to gather more supplies from the drop ship, and kept mocking her and the guards for it.

 

“I don't want to alarm anyone but a leaf just fell from that tree.”, she said, her voice and expression dead serious as she pointed towards a tree.

 

“I mean it could be nothing but it also could be a mountain lion or whatever the hell deadly animals you guys got out here.”

 

The guards around them didn't pay any attention to Raven's mockery and kept careful watch on their surroundings while Clarke sighed into the rhythmic sound of hoof beats.

 

Raven didn't seem to care that none had reacted and was rocking back and forth with the horse's motion.

 

The sun was high in the sky when Raven asked for a break to be able to relieve herself. Clarke nodded to the guards and they all stopped at a clearing.

 

The mechanic jumped from her horse's back and made her way off the track to find a more private spot while Clarke dismounted simply to stretch her legs. Being on horseback was still something she was far from getting used to.

 

She petted her horse, a grey stallion, on the neck like she had watched Lexa do and earned, what she considered a content snort. A slight smile tug on her lips when she heard her name being called.

  
“Clarke?”, Raven's voice, strangely high-pitched, reached her from behind several trees.

 

“Raven?”, she answered automatically, feeling panic flooding her veins.

 

Without thinking, she started running towards her voice. When she reached her, she didn't appear harmed, or afraid for that matter. She simply stood there, staring.  
  
“What is it?”, she said, out of breath and followed Raven's eyes. They were standing on the edge of a large pit about fifty feet deep and filled with what Clarke thought was lime rock at first but looking closer, recognized it as hundreds of different bones of the human body.

 

Her jaw dropped and she stared at the remains in terror.

 

Along the edge of the mass grave stood several posts, topped with human skulls that had the typical war paint of the grounders smudged around empty eye sockets. Clarke narrowed her eyes slightly and realized there were also strange symbols painted down the wood in what appeared to be blood.

 

And now that she looked closer, she realized the ground around the pit was lined with ruins of what she guessed was once a small village now rotting away.

 

Two of the guards came rushing through the trees with drawn swords.

 

“Geez, guys, if this was an attack the sky princess would be dead already.”, Raven said snotty, folding her arms and lookied at the bearded guards with furrowed brows.

 

“You are not to stray from the path.”, one of the guards said in a low voice, impatience resonating in his voice and put his sword back in the sheath on his back.

 

Clarke watched Raven roll her eyes and nodded towards the pit.

 

“So we don't find the skeletons in your closet?”

 

The guards didn't even glance at the pit and though their faces were as expressionless as the skulls decorating the poles, they seemed anxious to be here.

 

Clarke wanted to ask them about this place but she already knew before even opening her mouth, they would not tell her anything. To them she and all of the sky people were still not trustworthy and even though she didn't know what exactly they had stumbled across here, it seemed like something sacred or at least traditional and made it “grounders only”.

 

“We must continue our journey.”, one of the guards said and pointed the way that had lead them here.

 

Clarke could feel Raven tense next to her, ready to talk back at him but managed to silence her with a slight shake of her head.

 

Her dark eyes narrowed at her and Clarke could see her struggling on the inside. She didn't like playing into Clarke being the leader and having to obey her and she still used every chance she got to attack her <but for some reason, she listened to her now.

 

She took one last look at whatever it was they had found here when her eyes caught a glimpse of one of the bloody symbols on a pole that looked strangely familiar to her. Staring at what looked like a two dimensional sun, she was certain she had seen the symbol before but couldn't figure out where.

 

The guards pressed for them to move and with one in front and one behind them, the party of four made it back to the three other warriors who either couldn't or didn't want to hide the impatience dominant on their faces.

 

Without another word, everyone got back in the saddle and continued their way in silence. Clarke felt Raven's eyes on her several times but her mind was too occupied with what they had just seen.

 

By the time they reached Camp Jaha, she'd made up a dozen wild stories what had happened to the village around the pit but it didn't satisfy her curiosity at all. If anything, it made her more restless. It was also a welcomed distraction from her own troubles and worries she more than welcomed.

 

She would ask Lexa when they returned to Ton DC. If there was anybody who might be willing to tell her the truth, it was the Commander. Clarke had gotten the impression that unlike her people, she was open to share their traditions and teach the sky people their way of life instead of drawing a very clear line between them, careful not to cross over.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 – The Attack**

 

 

The closer they got to Camp Jaha, the stronger the wind around them grew. By the time they reached the gates it was pulling violently at Clarke's blonde curls and whipping them into her face.

 

She jumped from her horse's back and pulled him after her into the camp. Once the gate was closed, the fence around them provided enough shelter from the growing wind for Clarke not to have to shout to talk to the people gathering around them.

 

It was a nice change after Ton DC as familiar faces surrounded them, a mixture of excitement and relief on their faces.

 

Clarke and Raven hugged a few of their friends and while her friend began to tell them about Ton DC, Clarke took advantage of the distraction to slip away.

 

Glancing back before she entered what had become her people's infirmary on earth, she could see the five guards awkwardly standing behind Raven. They seemed so lost here and clearly uncomfortable.

 

Clarke wondered if they could make the connection on how they made her feel. Except in Camp Jaha people were a lot more accepting of the alliance.

 

Clarke stepped into the large, secluded space left empty. The smell of iron dominated the air and painted flashes into her mind: of Finn's eyes closing as the life left his body, of his blood on her hands, of his wrapped body eaten by flames.

 

She felt suddenly sick to her stomach and was thankful the last time she had eaten had been several hours ago. Swallowing hard in hopes to ease her nausea, Clarke headed for the makeshift cabin where they had collected everything that could be used as medical supply and restocked her backpack with the last of the bandages.

  
Clarke left the backpack on the ground and headed for the narrow gap in tarp that was the back wall of the infirmary which was just wide enough when pulled apart for her to fit through.

 

Her eyes scanned the ground until she finally found the rock she had places there so carefully it looked as if it had always been there. Picking it up, she revealed a small hole dug into the ground filled by a rusty, old and dented tin. She knelt down and saw her hands shake as she reached for it.

 

Taking a deep breath, she clenched her fists in hopes to steady them before she tried again but when her fingers touched the metal, they shook even harder, causing the content to be thrown around inside the tin noisily.

 

Clarke turned it over, dropping the watch into her palm. Its metal was cool from the ground and felt as soothing as it had the first time she had held on to it for comfort.

 

She dropped the can and ran her thumb around the dial of the watch, a faint but sad smile tugging on her lips as she remembered the day her father had taught her how to read the clock.

 

“Dad.”, she whispered, her voice suffocated with the tears that now welled up in her eyes. She bit down on her bottom lip, fighting for control.

 

Lightning ripped through the dark clouds above her and shortly after a loud thunder rumbled over Camp Jaha. Clarke put her head back and looked up at the dark sky. The wind grabbed hold of her hair again, pulling at it and whipping it through the air. She noticed the air had cooled down rapidly and felt herself be shaken in waves to keep warm.

 

She swallowed her memories and her tears, put the watch into the pocket of her pants and slipped back into the infirmary. Grabbing the backpack, she hurried outside and felt like stepping under a waterfall.

 

From one second to the other, rain came pouring down as lightning continuously twitched through the dark gray clouds above them. The thunder that accompanied the storm was so loud, it vibrated in her chest.

 

Clarke ran towards her grounder guards who were the only ones not taking cover and one of them even mounted his horse.

 

“What are you doing?”, she screamed over the roaring thunder.

 

“It is too dangerous in this weather for skaikru heda to return to Ton DC. He will give notice to the Commander, we will return when it is safe to travel again.”, the guard who had been following her around Ton DC told her and Clarke realized it was the most she had ever heard a warrior say to her.

 

She looked at the guard in the saddle, waiting for Clarke to have the gate opened for him.

 

“No way.”, she shouted over the drumming of the rain. “If it's not safe for me it's not safe for him either.” Clarke shook her head to emphasize her words.

 

The guard's bushy eyebrows furrowed, distorting the ink symbols over his temples and forehead.

 

“He's an excellent rider, he will make it back safely, you don't have to worry.”

 

Clarke pressed her lips together and shook her head once more.

 

“I said no. He stays here. The Commander has given you the order to obey my wishes. This is it.”, and looking to the horseman she said. “Dismount, now!”

 

She could see the struggle and disapproval in all the guard's faces, their jaws clenching in rebellion against her orders.

  
“As you wish.”, he finally nodded.

 

 

Night had fallen some hours ago but the storm was still raging outside, whipping against the scraps of metal from the Ark they had turned into walls.

 

Raven was sitting in a tailor seat on a fur on the ground, balancing a screw driver on her fingertip to keep herself occupied.

 

“What do you think was up with all the bones?”, Raven finally broke the silence with a sigh that sounded like she decided on the lesser evil by talking.

 

Clarke looked up from the watch she had been staring at in her hand sitting a few feet away from Raven and was momentarily hypnotized by the screw driver leaning this or that way and how the mechanic managed to still keep it on her fingertip.

 

“I...I have no idea.”, she said wearily and slipped the watch back in the pocket of her pants.

 

Hugging her knees, she gave the question back to Raven: “What do you think?”

 

For a moment the only sound was the rain falling from the sky and the wind howling through Camp Jaha.

 

Finally, Raven let the screw driver drop into her palm and for the first time she looked at Clarke since Finn's death without the fire of hatred in her eyes.

 

“Honestly, I can't even begin to imagine. They are so different from us. For all we know they could've killed their own people because they didn't agree with Lexa.”

 

Raven leaned her back against the post keeping the roof over their accommodation and stared up at the patchwork of metal and wood that granted them shelter from the rain.

 

Clarke thought about her words for a moment.

 

“I don't think they are really that bad.”, she said pensively. “I think they do what they need to do, to survive.”

 

Raven's dark eyes met hers and she could see surprise and suspicion in their depth.

 

“You really think that? After all they have done? After...”, her features hardened and Clarke knew she wanted to say _after what they did to Finn_ but couldn't bring herself to say his name.

 

“I think we can't really understand.”, Clarke tried to explain herself. “Life on the Ark wasn't great but at least we were safe. There was no one hunting and killing us off, no one taking away our loved ones to bleed them dry or turn them into monsters.”

 

She dropped her eyes and drew lines into the sand in front of her with her index finger and found herself sympathizing and to some degree, understand the grounders.

 

“Not to mention wild animals and diseases and infections and...”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”, Raven interrupted her annoyed. “Poor grounders have had it so hard.”, she mocked bitterly and when Clarke looked up at her again she saw her hand clenched around the screw driver as if it was a knife, her jaw muscles tensed with anger and frustration.

 

“I forgot you are the grounder whisperer.”, Raven hissed and her dark eyes looked piercingly into Clarke's.

  
“Raven.”, she said, her voice soft with a plea to be heard.

 

“No, Clarke, stop trying to justify what they did. What _you_ did.”, Raven barked at her, the grip around the screw driver was so tight, her knuckles had turned white.

 

“You should've protected him. He loved you and all it did was get him killed.”

 

Raven's face was screwed up with anger but sorrow was slowly taking over, her eyes swimming with tears.

 

Clarke bit the inside of her lip and dropped her eyes for a moment. She couldn't stand looking at her friend - at the pain she was suffering without knowing how to help her.

 

She wanted to tell her that she had tried but it felt like all she could ever do was say she had tried -  tried and failed. She wanted to tell her she was sorry but knew it couldn't fix anything.

 

Clarke remembered how Lexa had told her about the emptiness of words and though she was usually someone who was good at finding the right ones, the grounder's advance seemed to make more sense now.

 

Raven put her head back in an attempt to keep her tears from falling and Clarke could feel her sorrow add to her own and make her stomach clench painfully with grief and guilt.

 

Acting on instinct, Clarke closed the distance between them by crawling to her side and before her head could think a dozen thoughts why she shouldn't, she wrapped her arms around her friend, holding her tight.

  
At first Raven was fighting her embrace but Clarke didn't let go and felt her struggles turn into violent sobbing, could feel Raven's hot tears seep through the thin shirt she had exchanged her soaked armored clothing for.

 

She felt Raven clutch to her as if she was holding on for dear life and her own eyes burn with the tears she could no longer hold back. How long they sat there, knotted into each other’s arms, Clarke couldn't tell but when Raven's arms slowly eased around her, the storm outside had died down and the night sounded unusually quiet with the absence of thunder and the drumming of the rain.

 

Clarke let go and like Raven she was wiping the tears off her face with her palms. Raven breathed a laugh, one of those that sprung from awkwardness and the attempt to defeat the sadness with its opposite.

 

“I know you cared about him, too.”, she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. “And I know you suffer much more for what you did than he had to. I just...”, she sighed heavily and met Clarke's eyes with new tears swimming in her own, suffocating her voice.

 

Clarke nodded. She understood. Raven had needed someone to blame. She couldn't blame Finn who had ultimately dug his own grave because Finn had been the best thing that had ever happened to her. He had been kind and caring, he had loved her so much that he had gotten himself locked up in her place and because of that, had been sent to the ground.

 

He was her hero and her heart needed a villain to blame even though her head understood the truth.

 

“We should get some rest.”, Clarke told her and got up, offering Raven a hand. She knew the Raven was trying to find the right words to apologize for her spite but Clarke didn't need one.

 

All she needed was her friendship, her support, to be able to look at her and know, she had her back like Clarke had hers. Raven nodded and allowed her to pull her to her feet, a shy thankful smile of understanding tugging at her lips.

 

 

Clarke felt a little lighter, a little less tormented when they made their way back to Ton DC early in the morning. The sun had just risen when Clarke's guard had come to find her and insisted they needed to hurry.

 

The five warriors had made camp in the empty infirmary while the two women had spent the night in an abandoned space.

 

Neither of them had managed to get much sleep but at least some rest. Either of them had known the other was awake but they hadn't needed any more words to find comfort in each other’s company.

 

Clarke’s clothes were still wet when she changed back into them, clinging to her skin uncomfortably, making her shiver in the cool morning air but she had gotten used to getting by with what she had.

 

Sliding into her arm brace and shouldering her backpack, Clarke stepped outside, her steps towards the guards accompanied by the sighing of the ground that had turned to mud overnight, making her boots a little heavier with each step.

 

Most of Camp Jaha was still fast asleep while the warriors had already tacked up and readied the horses and were waiting by the gate. Raven followed with her own backpack threatening to burst with all the gear she had managed to stuff into it.

 

Half an hour later they were following a narrow trail leading back to Ton DC. The horses had a hard time with the slippery ground and their journey was going substantially slower than they had anticipated and the guards were not pleased.

 

The sun was hidden behind heavy gray clouds, keeping the air cool and Clarke cold in her still damp clothes. She was cowering into her saddle as best as she could, imagining the warmth of a fire she would seek the instant they were back in Ton DC.

 

The group was moving in silence, everyone lost in their own thoughts when Clarke's horse suddenly started to tense under her, his steps shortening as he threw his head back and snorted loudly.

 

Furrowing her brows, she held on to the saddle horn with one hand and kept the reins short with the other, trying to calm the animal by telling him “easy, everything's okay” but he didn't seem to agree.

 

The stallion seemed to get more anxious by the second, now refusing to keep moving forward, alerting the warriors.

 

They were collecting around Clarke and Raven, their eyes searching the trees and hillside extending to their right while Clarke felt her heart pound in her chest with fear. She didn't understand the horse's reaction and knew she had no real control over him.

 

“What's gotten into him?”, Raven asked, her voice vibrating with beginning panic and just when she said it, the horse started rearing so suddenly, Clarke lost her grip on the horn and in the saddle.

 

With a thud that pressed the air out of her lungs she landed on her back in the mud. Gasping for breath she rolled to her side and was facing one of the guards who had joined her with another loud thud. His eyes were wide but lifeless, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth.

 

Then everything seemed to be happening all at once. Several loud bangs ripped through the air and echoed in the trees, sending the birds flying from their tops. The horses around her were now all starting to panic, their hooves coming dangerously close to her body.

 

Clarke ducked her head and propped herself on her elbows, crawling out from in between trampling horse feet.

 

Taking cover behind a tree, more shots were fired. Another guard got hit and thrown from his saddle, his horse bolting in terror.

 

Clarke tried to focus her own fear to assess the situation. Three warriors were left on horseback, as was Raven whose face was a grimace of fear. All four of them were hectically searching their surroundings for the shooter while trying to keep their horses under control.

 

Another shot found its target, hitting Emil's shoulder. The bearded guard groaned and instinctively covered the wound with his hand.

 

Now that Clarke saw where her guard was hit, she had at least an approximate location for the shooter. Squinting her eyes, she searched the hillside. She hardly noticed she was holding her breath while scanning the ground but she did feel the growing desperation the more seconds ticked by giving the attacker more time to hit all his targets.

 

Just when a dozen more bullets rained down on them, Clarke's eye caught a shimmer of a reflection and finally she spotted him. The Mountain Man was lying in a hazmat suit on the ground, a riffle pinned to his cheek.

 

Her thoughts were racing on how to get to their attacker before he had a chance to kill them all, while the guards finally sprang into action.

 

Jumping from their saddles, Emil pulled Raven down with him and before Clarke could even process the thought, her legs were moving. She was using the panicking horses as a shield on the trail to get to the other side, begging as she climbed the hillside as fast as she could, that the Mountain Man was distracted long enough by the commotion not to notice her. She had one chance to get to him now and it all relied on her getting to him unnoticed.

 

She ducked as best as she could while trying to make her way up the steep, soggy ground. Her feet kept slipping, making her climb last longer than it should. She could hear the horse's hooves thunder as they fled and knew it was only a matter of seconds now before she would catch their attacker's attention as the wild panic on the ground turned into stillness.

 

Clarke wasn't sure whether her heart was beating so fast she couldn't feel it anymore or had simply stopped - the panic certainly made her feel like the latter was the case and her head as if it was filled with cotton.

 

With the last bit of strength she could force from her body, she managed to grab hold of the root of a tree and pull herself the last few feet up. She collapsed on the wet forest ground, trying to catch her breath and allowed the muscles in her legs to unclench for just a moment before realizing she had made it up there alive and the Mountain Man was still pulling the trigger. He hadn't spotted her yet.

 

Clarke stumbled to her feet and ran. She knew she should be cautious rather than fast but the fear their attacker would get a chance to kill Raven was too strong to listen to reason. She ran as fast as her feet would carry her on uneven ground, the gunshots growing louder the closer she got and finally, she could spot his blue suit in between the brown and green of the forest.

 

Now she was almost in reach, Clarke realized he had a gun while she was unarmed. She stopped and looked around hectically for anything she could use to overpower him and her eyes fell on a rock between the attacker and her. It wasn't ideal but if she used it in a moment of surprise, it would do.

 

She jumped forward and now she was this close, the sounds accompanying her were loud enough to be heard even through a hazmat suit. Clarke was just picking up the rock with both hands when he rolled to his side, riffle in front of him, the barrel pointing at her chest. She was still too far away to beat the time it took to pull the trigger.

 

As she lifted the rock over her head, Clarke felt all the emotions she had ever felt in her entire life wash over her – the love of her father when he had tucked her in at night and the grief he had left her with; the nagging feeling of never being good enough in her mother’s eyes; the fascination every time she had looked down on earth and the longing the view had created; the resignation when she had been put on the drop ship down to earth, the bitter taste of betrayal in her mouth when her mother had told her why; the safety she had felt in Finn's arms at first and the horror that had overwhelmed her seeing him standing with all those dead bodies to his feet; the guilt his blood on her hands was drowning her in; the confidence and acceptance Lexa's presence was bathing her in and the strange feeling of belonging her company radiated. 

 

She saw no flashes, she just felt. She felt so much and all at once, when the shot ripped through the air, she didn't even feel her knees hitting the ground.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 - Instincts**

 

 

The Commander was sitting at the table head in the ceremonial hall, the large wooden furniture in front of her seating the leaders of the Ice Nation, the Boat People, their generals and trusted warriors.

 

Lexa had always been on good terms with Luna. Their alliance had already existed when Lexa had been named Commander and the leader of the Boat People had always been just and impartial, never allowing emotions or history to cloud her judgment. She and Lexa had mostly seen eye to eye and when their expectations differed, either of them had had the necessary respect for the other to accept that.

 

With the Ice Queen however, things were very different.

 

The fact that she named herself after a fairy tale character had always seemed very arrogant and improper to Lexa. She had come to rule the Ice Nation two years after Lexa had been chosen by the Commander's spirit and had had it out for her and her people ever since.

 

While her forerunner had been able to co-exist mostly peacefully with Lexa’s people, the Ice Queen didn't know anything about acceptance or justice, about respect or tolerance. All she knew was how to fight and lead her people into war – how to destroy.

 

No matter how hard it had been for Lexa, how painful and how many tightly locked doors it opened to memories she had worked so hard to forget – it was exactly her cruelty and lack of conscience that they needed to win this war.

 

She had more warriors trained harder and more weapons due to more resources in their territory, she was not leading a nation but an army. Every soul under her command had been trained to fight and die for her from the moment she had been made their leader, no matter their age or gender.

 

They needed her and Lexa knew it. Without her, their chances to win against Mount Weather were cut in half. For the sake of her people and as her duty as their leader, she was now looking into the eyes of the woman who had tortured and killed Costia and Lexa was not prepared.

 

She had braced herself, had forced herself to remember the day her lover had been taken from her but what she felt when the Ice Queen had entered Ton DC - head held high and eyes so cold as if they were actually made of ice, her strides as if she was gliding rather than walking – had knocked the air out of her lungs. Her stomach hat clenched so tightly and painfully, she had been barely able to keep her food down.

 

All she had wanted to do the instant the Ice Queen met her eyes was to avenge her dead lover and her mind had been very graphic on how she wanted to go about it.

 

It had taken all her strength and every ounce of self-control to go against the rage screaming in her head, the hatred circulating in her veins, and ask for the Ice Nation's support in this war.

 

When Lexa looked at her now, days later, saw that arrogance and sense of supremacy always dominant in her features, she could still see all the ways flash before her eyes in which she wanted to hurt her that would ultimately end with her last breath.

 

“What you're telling us, Lexa of the tree people.”, the Ice Queen addressed her, taking a sip of the wine the Commander had offered her guests.

 

“Is that your plans for this war have not made any progress since we arrived.”

 

Lexa had known her ability to lead the nations to war would be questioned by the Ice Queen while everyone else had agreed without hesitation. To this day the tree people had lost the most people to Mount Weather and it were their warriors roaming the woods as reapers so the choice to make Lexa the leader of this war had been made quickly.

 

After all it was their forest around that mountain and they knew it better than anyone else. The Ice Queen had been overruled and it only added to her hatred towards her. Lexa was certain the Ice Queen had just as many scenarios on how to kill her every time she looked at her as she had for her.  

 

“War needs careful preparation.”, Luna answered before Lexa could open her mouth, her voice as airy as always but there was a determination resonating in her words that was unusual for the leader of the Boat People.

 

“Everything else is just an irresponsible massacre.”

 

The Ice Queen didn't miss the pointed remark aimed at her.

 

“The progress is not to be measured in dead bodies, if that's what you mean.”, the Commander said calmly and pushed her chin forward, putting her palms to rest on the arms of her chair.

 

“If we lead our people to war now, we won't even make it to the gate to leave a dent in it. It is a waste of our time, our energy, our resources and the life of our warriors.”

 

Lexa had to remind herself to stay calm and not to let her hatred towards the Ice Queen guide her now. This was not a personal matter but why and what she was chosen for. Slowly, she took a deep breath, allowing the air filling her lungs to straighten her up in her chair.

 

“We have successfully managed to get a man inside the Mountain to turn off the acid fog for us. Only then will we be able to get close. It still leaves an impenetrable steel door between the Mountain Men and us.”

 

The Commander let her words settle for a moment and stared at the Ice Queen whose arrogance was slightly shaken but Lexa couldn't really enjoy her victory. They still hadn't heard back from Bellamy which, in this very moment, made her nothing but a hopeful liar.

 

She begged in silence that Clarke was right about him – that he would find a way inside and be the advantage in this war.

 

“You don't see the progress because your eyes are focused on the end while our efforts are evening the path.”, Lexa added and the Ice Queen's features slipped even further.

 

The silence that followed was thick and heavy and it felt like the air had just dropped several degrees within in seconds, feeling icy against Lexa's face.

 

She could see the Ice Queen struggle for something to answer, to undermine her as the Commander of the alliance but just when she opened her mouth to speak, one of tree people’s warriors came bursting into the hall, allowing the sunlight to flood the dark kept room.

 

“Heda!”, he said, breathlessly. “Skaikru heda gon.”

 

Lexa looked at him puzzled. She had informed her people that the leader of the sky people had left Ton DC. They should've been back by now, sure, but the storm had probably kept them at the sky people's camp overnight.

 

If it was her lack of response or her confused look she couldn't tell but as if to make himself clearer, he stepped aside for her eyes to fall upon where Indra, Octavia and two other warriors were trying to calm down horses prancing with panic, their furs covered with foam and eyes wide and full of fear.

 

The Commander recognized the grey stallion instantly and jumped to her feet, leaving her guests without another word behind. She hurried outside and while she wanted to run, she was careful not to show everyone around just how shaken she was by the news.

 

“The patrol spotted them. They came from the direction of the camp of the sky people.”, Indra told her Commander and was still struggling with the grey horse trying to follow his instincts and flee.

 

“Any sign of them?”, Lexa asked, breathlessly, feeling like the horse in front of her, fear rushing through her veins, racing her heart painfully in her chest. She clenched her fists trying to regain control over her body.

 

Indra shook her head, her eyes meeting Lexa’s warningly. The Commander looked up at the sky to get a sense of the time of day but the grey clouds above were too heavy to make out the position of the sun behind them.

 

“Bring me my horse.”, Lexa ordered, steadying her voice as best as she could to hide the chaos broken loose in her chest that made it hard for her to breathe.

 

“Heda, no.”, Indra hissed, her eyes narrowing at Lexa. “You can not.”

 

The Commander felt frustration add to the chaos. She knew Indra could see what she was not yet willing to admit to herself and that fact made her feel less in control.

 

“Know your place, Indra.”, she told her General through gritted teeth and took a step towards her, staring into her dark eyes.

 

“You don't give me orders anymore. I will not tolerate you talking to your Commander like this twice.”

 

Lexa could see the surprise in the warrior's features. Indra had always been more than her General and spoken her mind more freely because of it. Their past had accompanied them to this day and influenced their dynamic. They had drawn strength from each other and Lexa had benefited from her experience, but by questioning her now, of all times, she had finally gone too far.

 

The general's lips thinned as she pressed them together, the muscles in her jaw tensing hard, her eyes a mixture of disbelief, shock and disappointment turning burning rage.

 

A dozen guards joined them, one leading the Commander's grey stallion. Lexa glared at Indra a moment longer, making sure she would not dare to object again to what she was about to do before she took he reins and with one swift move, got into the saddle.

 

She looked around at the mounted warriors, meeting every pair of eyes to be certain neither of them was questioning her - not her motive nor her title.

 

She turned her horse around and pressing her thighs against his torso, the stallion charged forward, hooves thundering over the ground. Behind her she could hear her warriors following. Two of them raced their horses so they would pass her, covering their leader as best as they could.

 

Lexa knew she was acting recklessly and against everything she stood for. She should stay in Ton DC where she was guarded and safe and able to fulfill her duty. Instead she was riding through the forest because the girl who had fallen from the sky was possibly in danger – possibly dead already.

 

She wouldn't be a more obvious target right now even if she'd painted one on her back. Lexa was well aware but she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't stay behind and endure the agony of not knowing, of pacing while waiting as the minutes felt like hours and the hours felt like a lifetime. She still remembered all too well how it felt.

 

The storm from last night had turned the trail into a mud slide, the horses struggling to stay on their feet at this pace. They had hardly covered any ground when Lexa ordered her warriors to slow down by the signal of her raised hand. They were moving a lot slower and Lexa felt her patience being tested.

 

While the horses trotted down the path and her eyes scanned the landscape for any signs of the missing people, Lexa's imagination painted a variety of horrid scenes into her mind of what had happened to them – what had happened to Clarke.

 

The Commander caught herself hardly thinking about those who had accompanied the leader of the sky people, her thoughts were own by Clarke.

 

Lexa felt her entire body tingle with the tension vibrating inside her. Her heart was still racing, her chest aching from its hard beats. Her palms were sweaty and her mouth dry. She took no notice of what was going on around her.

 

The trail showed the hoof prints the loose horses had left and lead them on. Lexa had no sense for the time that had passed and the dark clouds above still wouldn't reveal the sun to give her any hint but it felt too long. What if she was alive but barely, what if they were just too late to save her?

 

As the trail lead down a steep hill, they had to slow down the horses further, allowing them to carefully place their hooves on their way down. Gustus was falling behind far enough to be on level with his Commander.

 

“Heda.”, he said softly. “Are you certain it is wise to make yourself vulnerable in times like these?”

 

He interrupted Lexa’s thoughts for a moment, distracting her well enough to hit pause on the chaos within her.

 

It was the choice of his words that caught her attention. She turned to look at him, his dark eyes gentle and caring. He had always looked at her this way, with kindness and compassion. Lexa knew he truly lived only to serve her, to protect her and would give his life without hesitation, if she told him to.

 

“As long as I have you to protect me, Gustus, I am never vulnerable.”, she told him, nodding in appreciation and respect for his service to her.

 

She could see it in his eyes, it wasn't what he wanted to hear. He had been trying to get her to reconsider, possibly turn back and delegate the search instead of leading it, but knew her well enough to know when to let things rest.

 

They continued their journey down the trail in silence, the sound of the horse's hooves and their armor in motion escorting them downhill. Once the path was mainly even again and Lexa's restlessness had fully taken back control over her, they hurried the horse's along the trail again.

 

She could hear the stallion beneath her pant heavily with the effort it took him to run over the deep and heavy ground, could smell his fur turn wet with sweat, the mixture of sweet and salty overshadowing the earthy-moldy scent of the forest.

 

The Commander's green eyes were narrowed, her lips pressed together in concentration, her body moving with the stallion's motions like they were one and finally, in between a row of trees seamed with raspberry bushes, blonde wild curls emerged.

 

“Clarke.”, she whispered breathlessly and signaled her warriors with the sign of her hand to stop as she pulled her horse into a halt.

 

For a moment she just stared at the tired pale face as if she had to make sure she was not imagining her standing there. Her mind had almost convinced her that when she found her, it would be covered in her own blood, lifeless eyes staring back at her. Relief washed over her, replacing the terror in her chest.

 

Behind Clarke, four more heads emerged, three of her warriors and the almost black eyes of the girl called Raven were now looking at the Commander.

 

“Heda.”, her men greeted her respectfully and dropped their eyes for a moment.

 

“Your horses returned to Ton DC without you. What has happened?”, Lexa asked, trying to focus and was relieved, the horse beneath her carried her weight. She felt weak after all the tension had left her body so suddenly, she wasn't sure she could keep herself on her feet if they had to carry her weight.

 

“The Mountain has ambushed us.”, Emil answered promptly and caused the warriors behind Lexa to look around alarmed.

 

“Don't worry, he's dead.”, Clarke tried to calm the grounders. “We've been walking for at least three hours without an another attack, I think we're safe for now.”

 

“You think.”, Gustus mocked and the bitterness and spite in his voice caught Lexa's attention.

 

She turned to look at him, his features ruled by anger. Lexa watched him a moment longer, not sure what to make of his behavior. Something didn't feel right about it but she couldn't say what or even imagine anything other than honesty from him. Gustus had always been her most loyal, most trusted warrior.

 

“Just in case there are more of them hidden or coming, let us not waste time out in the open.”, the Commander finally broke the stunned silence on Clarke's part and the aggressive stare from Gustus against her.

 

“We shall discuss this back in Ton DC.”

 

 

Clarke was still shaking despite the three blankets wrapped around her and the crackling fire in front of her. She felt so drained of energy, yet too shaken and cold to go to sleep.

 

She poked a stick at the logs nurturing the fire and stared at the sparks it caused. Her head felt so incredibly full, it started to ache.

 

Parts of the day flashed before her eyes, making it impossible to forget the feeling of staring into the barrel of a riffle, waiting to feel your life leave your body.

 

But she had been lucky hadn't she? One of the warriors had thrown his knife from the trail and somehow had managed to hit the Mountain Man. He had only hit his shoulder which in itself wouldn't have been fatal but it had made him jerk the riffle off target just as he had squeezed the trigger and instead of her chest, the bullet had only grazed her left arm, causing nothing but a slightly stinging flesh wound.

 

He however had to suffer an agonizing death as the radioactive air had entered his suit through the tear the knife had caused and Clarke had watched him coil up and whimper until his skin had melted away and his organs had failed.

 

She could still feel the amazement in her bones when she had realized she was still alive. She could also still feel the lump in her throat that had settled there the moment she had found a picture on the dead man of a group of sky people, herself among them and a red circle around her face.

 

She had been the target of this attack. Two people had died because she had angered Mount Weather enough to be hunted specifically. Did they know about the alliance? Had they captured Bellamy and tortured their plan out of him? Was that why he had still not radioed in?

 

Clarke shook her head, trying to get rid of these questions she had no way of answering. She had to focus on the plan, on what mattered here and now.

 

“Clarke, honey, you okay?”, Abby asked, kneeling in front of her, cupping her face.

 

Since she had returned to Ton DC, her mother had felt the need to check on her as frequently as every ten to fifteen minutes. When she had learned what her daughter had been through, her face had looked as though she had been physically tortured, tears swimming in the bottom of her eyes.

 

“I'm fine.”, she lied, forcing a smile onto her lips. “Nothing a good night's sleep won't be able to fix.”

 

She knew her mother didn't believe her but she seemed to understand it was Clarke's way of telling her, she didn't want to talk about it anymore and she didn't want to be asked how she felt either. A sad smile twitched in the corner of Abby's mouth and she nodded.

 

“Okay.”, she whispered and though her voice was low, she could still hear the tears reach into her voice. Her hand dropped from her daughter’s cheek to her shoulder and squeezed it gently.

 

“How's your arm?”

 

“I hardly feel it.”, Clarke assured her and this time she wasn't lying. She had gotten hurt so much over the past few weeks since they had arrived on the ground, this wound didn't even make it under her top ten most painful.

 

“Okay.”, Abby said again and her daughter knew there was so much more she wanted to say and all she really wanted was to hold her close but she seemed to respect that Clarke had changed since they had last seen each other up in space and ever since her father had been floated, their relationship had been more than just a little complicated.

 

It made Abby, though her mother, not the first person she would want to confide or find comfort in. She was still treating her like the little girl, yet she had sent her down here to die.

 

Clarke exhaled heavily when her mother finally got up and left. She was hoping she would not come back again tonight. Clarke resumed poking at the fire, her body still shaking occasionally but the heat of the flames slowly managed to defeat the cold in her body.

 

Around her, Ton DC was quieting down more and more the longer she sat there. She knew her mother was keeping an eye on her still, but at least she was doing it from a distance, leaving her the time and space she needed right now to figure things out for herself.

 

Not that she really knew what exactly she was trying to figure out. She felt so lost between everything she once believed in – good and bad, right and wrong – and the rules down here on earth. There was no black and white, there was only survival. How didn’t matter as long as you did survive.

 

Clarke bit down on her bottom lip and exhaled heavily, wondering if she would be a different person today, had she been born on the ground like Lexa.

 

She turned to look at the Commander's tent still illuminated by candles on the inside painting Lexa's silhouette onto the canvas. Clarke squinted her eyes a little. Lexa just stood there, motionless, and Clarke wondered what she was doing or why she was still awake. Now she came to think of it, Lexa seemed to be always awake. What did she do all alone in her tent when nothing and no one required her attention?

 

An image popped into her head of something she had seen in one of the movies they'd shown up on the Ark. It was of a time, when life on earth had thrived: a lioness in a cage, pacing up and down along the metal bars.

 

Was Lexa’s life like this? She was their Commander, yes, she had power and her word was the law but it seemed to come with a lot of limits, too.

 

She was never all by herself, at least one guard always close by. She could not just simply go for a walk outside the fence to clear her head but had to stay where she was protected as best as she possibly could be. Clarke could relate at least a little. She had gotten a taste of Lexa’s life over the past few days and felt a kind of sadness as she watched the still silhouette of the Commander.

  
Did Lexa have anyone like Clarke did? A mother to care about her not because she was the leader but because she was loved as a person? Friends to pour her heart out to, who listened and if unable to help, at least they cared and were there to keep her company.

 

Did something as trivial as friendship even exist for the grounders? It would certainly make sacrificing a lot easier if you didn't have an emotional bond to someone, if you looked at everyone around you and didn't see them as individuals but a nation you had to protect. The forest and the trees, Clarke remembered.

 

Clarke suddenly realized something she couldn't quite make sense of. It was Lexa who had come looking for them today. Not just her warriors but the Commander herself and been vulnerable by leaving the safety of Ton DC.

 

Clarke kept staring at the canvas but was so lost in her thoughts she tried to make sense of, she didn't realize the silhouette had disappeared.

 

“Hey.”, someone said softly behind her, vaporizing her thoughts and leaving her to stare at the tent.

 

She needed another second to realize where she was and what had interrupted her pondering before she turned her head to find Raven standing behind her, her eyes a little puffy.

 

“Can’t sleep?”, she asked with a sigh as she sat down next to her.

 

Clarke shook her head in reply.

 

“Yeah, me neither.”, she said, leaning her elbows onto her knees and put her face into her hands.

 

For a while they both stared into the fire, simply enjoying each other’s quiet company, each lost in their own thought.

 

“Can I ask you something?”, Clarke finally broke the silence, her voice sounding a little weak.

 

The mechanic turned to look at her but Clarke didn’t want to meet her dark eyes. She just wanted to hear her thoughts out loud.

 

“Sure, what’s on your mind?”, Raven asked and Clarke could hear concern in her voice.

 

“I... It's nothing really but... don't you think it's a little odd that Lexa of all people came to look for us? I mean she's the Commander... isn't that something her people would do?”, Clarke babbled hastily, not entirely sure why saying it out loud made her cheeks flush and her heart pick up its pace.

 

“Hmm.”, Raven hummed, taking a moment to think. “I didn’t really notice but now you mention it...”

 

Out of the corner of her eyes Clarke saw her friend turn to look at the Commander's tent while thinking.

 

“...that really is odd. What are you thinking?”

 

Clarke sighed and shrugged.

 

“I don't know, I just...”, she said but she really didn't know how to make sense of it.

 

“You think she planned the attack?”, Raven said suddenly, carefully lowering her voice in case anyone was within ear shot.

 

Clarke's eyes widened.

 

“No!”, she said instinctively before even thinking it through and was astounded at how quickly she dismissed the possibility. Raven seemed to be just as surprised, she had flinched slightly at her fast and insistent answer.

 

“I mean, if she wanted us dead she wouldn't be a coward about it. They could kill us all right now and there is little we could do. They outnumber us by far.”, Clarke explained but even she knew that logic was only partly the reason.

 

She realized that on some level she had started to trust Lexa without actively deciding on it. Maybe it was her honesty no matter what or maybe it was how the Commander had tried to explain their ways to her, tried to make her understand why they were, who they were.

 

Whatever it was, Clarke found herself trusting that Lexa was not behind the attack on her life.

 

Raven nodded slowly but with a little hesitation.

 

“I guess you're right.”, she said hoarsely and looked around like she wanted to make sure no one was closing in on them to to kill them.

 

“I'm gonna go try to get some sleep.”, she said after a few moments, getting up.

 

“And so should you.”, she told her in a mother like admonitory voice and smirked, patting Clarke's shoulder before leaving her.

 

Clarke looked after her until she had melted into one with the darkness and then stared into the fire again, a decision slowly settling within her.

 

Determined, she got up. Leaving her blankets behind, she went into her tent to get the picture she had taken off the dead Mountain Man out of its hiding place under her bed.

 

She had copied the hiding place of her father’s watch in Camp Jaha. In the can was also the black walkie-talkie the attacking Mountain Man had carried with him.

 

For a moment she debated with herself whether she should give it all up. What if she was wrong? What if her gut was not prepared for how things worked down here on earth and she was surrendering every clue and bargain she had left?

 

Taking a deep breath, Clarke decided she would follow her instincts and not her fears, stuffed the walkie and the picture into the waistband of her pants and made sure her jacket covered it before leaving her tent and heading for the Commander's.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 – Mission Failed**

 

 

 

As Clarke reached the curtained entrance to the Commander's tent, the guards on either side didn't even acknowledge her existence. She hesitated for a split second and took a deep breath before she entered.

 

The air inside was noticeably warmer and the candles strewn about bathed the space in a soft golden light. For a moment it made Clarke forgot the cruelty of her reality and the war that lay ahead.

 

Her eyes moved through the room and she realized, she had never really paid any attention to it. The floor was covered with canvas and the occasional rubber mat, keeping the ground dry and even. On the other side stood the empty throne of the Commander, its back made of thick branches and the seat was comfortably cushioned with a black pillow. 

 

To her left was the war table made of lattice boxes covered with brown linen. The same boxes stood to her right where several parts of additional armor were resting: a shield made of metal with a reinforced center, an iron shoulder guard with a black instead of the red drape she was used to see Lexa wearing, knee pads made of old tires and a sword in a red sheath, slimmer than the one she had seen the Commander use and longer too.

 

She squinted her eyes when she noticed a small symbol carefully carved into the hilt that looked strangely familiar. Clarke's eyes widened when she realized it was the same symbol she had seen drawn with blood on the post at the mass grave.

 

With the chaos of the day, she had almost forgotten they had stumbled onto it. Clarke turned around, her eyes hectically scanning the space. She felt caught now that she realized she was basically snooping through the Commander's belongings when she had come here to talk to her.

 

But there was no one here and Clarke frowned. She had seen her silhouette just minutes ago. Had she left in the moment she had grabbed what she needed to show her from her tent? And where would she go in the middle of the night anyway.

 

Clarke moved on, her curiosity sparked. The next table was made entirely of wood and held a container with rolled up papers and several more were outstretched on the surface, one over the other showing maps of different areas. Clarke tried to find a familiar spot on them but they didn't seem to show the tree people’s territory as all of them had at least one shore to a large lake or possibly an ocean.

 

The light that was shown onto this corner of the Commander's tent was coming from candles put into dented cans and hung from the beams crossing each other to support the roof.

 

Holes had been poked into the metal to allow the light to escape. From the distance Clarke realized they created the same symbol of what looked to Clarke like a two dimensional sun and did even more so with the golden light of the flames behind it, causing the sign to be cast against the canvas.

 

She could see it more detailed now: two slits in a circle and around it a larger but thinner one, its brim uneven like flames. She was sure she had seen it before the mass grave but still couldn't place it and the more she saw it prominent in the Commander's tent, the more curious she got about it. It had to have some connection to Lexa and for a woman who had told her love was weakness, she seemed to care a whole lot about whatever was connected to this sign.

 

“Clarke.”, she heard her name being said in surprise and when she turned to look around, she saw Lexa in nothing more but her dark pants and a navy blue thin shirt she wore under all her armor.

 

Clarke’s jaw dropped slightly at the Commander’s sudden appearance but also at how different she looked without her protective clothing.

 

She seemed much more fragile and a lot less intimidating, like she was one of her own people and not the leader of thousands of people.

 

The thin fabric of her shirt was hugging her torso tightly, giving Clarke an idea of the body all of her heavy armor usually hid perfectly. She was slenderer than she had anticipated and looking at her made her mouth feel dry.

 

Clarke frowned over herself and then looked puzzled at Lexa standing in the space between the back of her throne and the canvas building the back wall of her tent. There was a small gap behind her and Clarke wondered if it served her as some sort of back door to be able to slip away unnoticed.

 

Lexa seemed to have realized what Clarke had noticed and stepped in front of the gap, her mimic and body language changing instantly from surprised to confident and defensive.

 

Though it wasn't as intimidating as the Commander usually appeared and it wasn't just for the lack of her armor. She had slipped into the way she stood before her now as one slipped into a costume, showing only what she wanted her opposite to see and Clarke wondered how much of what everyone got to see of the leader of the grounders every day was really her.

 

“It is late.”, the Commander said coldly and Clarke could tell she didn't feel very comfortable without her Commander's clothing. Her straight posture and head held high, chin pushed forward, looked far from natural and more like something she was used to doing but it failed its effect without the armor.

 

“I know.”, Clarke finally said hoarsely. “I'm sorry, but...”

  
She took a few steps towards the Commander and saw her tense before her eyes. Responding on instinct to her body language she stopped with a few feet left between them.

 

She pulled the walkie and the picture from the waistband under her jacket and presented them on open palms to Lexa.

 

“I wanted to show you this.”

 

Her green eyes narrowed at the objects jumping from one to the other, confusion filling them. Lexa stepped closer and picked up the picture.

 

“What is this?” she asked and met Clarke's eyes again.

 

“I found it on the Mountain Man who attacked us.”, she explained and took a deep breath before adding what she was afraid of hearing out loud.

 

“I think... I was the target.”

 

Lexa's eyes widened and for a moment she seemed terrified. As if she realized her eyes were giving her away, she looked back at the picture in her hand and took a deep, slow breath like she was trying to collect herself and regain control over her features.

 

“You won't be leaving Ton DC anymore.”, Lexa said determined and the muscles in her jaw tensed when she looked at Clarke again, offering her back the picture.

 

Clarke opened her mouth as a reflex and wanted to object but deep down she knew Lexa was right. She closed her mouth by gritting her teeth and nodded, taking the picture back and putting it in her jacket pocket.

 

“What about this?”, Lexa asked, obviously pleased with her compliance. Or was she relieved? Clarke had a hard time reading her features in dim candle light.

  
Clarke followed her green eyes to the walkie.

 

“I haven't had a chance to turn it on yet, I don't even know if it works but it might give us an advantage if it does.”, she told her, feeling hope tingle inside her chest.

 

Monty had only used one channel to get the looped message through, leaving the jam on the others intact in order not to rise their captor's suspicion and ever since she had taken the walkie off the dead Mountain Man she had imagined listening in to the chatter on the other channels and possibly overhearing something that would guarantee their victory even if Bellamy didn't make it.

 

At that last thought fear was clenching in the pit of her stomach and a bitter taste overwhelmed her mouth.

 

To shake it, she finally dared to turn the knob to turn on the walkie. At first there was nothing and Clarke was just about to check whether it had really turned on when the first static crackled from the speaker.

 

“It... it is one of those devices you use to communicate over long distances...?”, the Commander said hesitantly and it was obvious her uncertainty and lack of knowledge made her incredibly uncomfortable.

 

For a moment, there was a shyness in Lexa's features that made her look much younger and put a faint smile on Clarke's lips. It was incredible how many sides there were to the Commander.

 

In that moment she couldn't imagine Lexa harming anyone let alone slaughter dozens.

 

When the brunette looked up, Clarke bit down on her bottom lip to hide her smile and nodded. “It is. It is not ours though. It belongs to Mount Weather.”

 

More static came from the walkie but nothing despite that. The Commander took a deep breath, her features hardening again.

 

“I was hoping we might catch anything useful while we're waiting for...”, Clarke swallowed.

 

“...for Bellamy to radio in.”, she finished and saying his name made her shiver as she realized, it had been almost three days since he'd left and they still hadn't heard anything from him or Lincoln.

 

The Commander's eyes narrowed at her.

 

“Maybe it would be time to consider other options, Clarke.”, the Commander told her matter-of-factly and it took Clarke a moment to realize she was talking about Bellamy. Lexa turned away and rounded the throne.

 

Clarke stared after her, frowning in disbelieve and felt anger flood her veins.

 

“No!”, she said simply but determined. “He is going make it.”

 

Her voice sounded a lot more confident and certain of it than she actually was but Lexa doubting him, writing him off as dead, she couldn't just let that stand.

 

Lexa seemed a little surprised by her vehement protest and stopped, glancing back at Clarke over her shoulder and for a moment it seemed, as if she wanted to say more on the matter, her body tensing slightly but relaxed again when she exhaled and reached for the pitcher of water on the table in front of her.

 

Pouring it into a metal cup, the only sound in the tent was the continuing static from the walkie as Lexa took a sip and Clarke got the impression, there was something on her mind she wanted to say out loud but couldn't.

  
Clarke stepped up to her, looking at the side of her face as the Commander stared straight ahead and it felt as if she was avoiding her eyes on purpose. Clarke watched her swallow her sip and her jaw muscles tense.

 

“What are you not telling me?”, she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper. Lexa took another deep breath and she could see the struggle reach into her features.

 

“Lincoln is back.”, the Commander finally told her. “He has failed his mission.”

 

Clarke felt a storm break loose inside of her, making it hard to breathe.

 

“Bellamy.”, she said, her voice suffocated by shock.

 

“He has been captured.”, Lexa told her and Clarke hardly noticed how softly she was breaking the news to her she had dreaded so much.

 

Putting her hand over her mouth, she dropped the walkie as she grabbed hold of the table for support, her knees suddenly too weak to carry her.

 

Tears were burning in the bottom of her eyes as images flashed before them - of his body upside down, his blood leaving his veins through tubes.

 

“No.”, she whimpered behind her hand as the first tears started falling.

 

She could feel Lexa's eyes on her as the devastation overwhelmed her. She felt like she should do something – anything – and it showed in her body. She was trembling, her eyes wide and was breathing as if she'd just run a mile as fast as she could and it made her dizzy.

 

“Clarke.”, she heard the Commander's voice reach her from far away, almost as if she was under water and she was calling her name from the surface.

 

“Clarke! Look at me.”

 

Green eyes appeared in her line of vision and she felt herself being grabbed by her shoulders. Clarke was gasping for air between the violent sobs, feeling as if she was suffocating. Her heart was overflowing with guilt.

 

“I sent him in there.”, she muttered, trying to escape Lexa's hold but couldn't.

 

“I killed him.”, she said out loud what was tearing her apart on the inside.

 

“Clarke!”, Lexa said again, louder and sharper this time and managed to get the leader of the sky people to finally look at her and really see her.

 

“Focus. You need to focus.”

 

Clarke said nothing, her body still shaken by her desperation.

 

“It is not your fault.”

 

It weren't her words but the softness of her voice that finally got through to her. She met her eyes and saw warmth and empathy in their depth, her features carrying a kind of never forgotten sorrow that showed unmistakably, she understood what Clarke was going through.

 

Clarke felt a longing to be held and for a brief moment she wanted to answer it by closing the distance between her and Lexa, by feeling her close, the warmth of her skin pressed against her own, her heartbeat to calm hers - to feel anything other than the chaos inside her chest.

 

As if Lexa could read it in her blue eyes, her hands loosened their grip on Clarke's shoulders and she took a step back, breathing in deeply.

 

She nodded slightly as if to say “You'll be okay.”, and though Clarke understood this was the Commander's way of offering her comfort, right now it just wasn't enough.

 

More tears were threatening to roll down her cheeks and she put her head back in an attempt to keep them from falling. She couldn't fight the devastation and guilt wrapping around her heart, she couldn't just push it all away like Lexa and she didn't need her telling her yet again how her feelings were a weakness and how she needed to learn to turn them off.

 

She bit down her bottom lip, taking a few deep breaths in order to collect herself, at least for the moment.

 

“I have to go.”, she told the Commander and left her without looking at her again.

 

Every step further away from her got faster and once she had brought enough distance between herself and the Commander's tent, making sure she stayed clear of the lit paths connecting Ton DC's housings, she allowed herself to stop. Hands on her knees she bent forward and let her feelings overwhelm her fully, her tears fall freely.

 

Her sobs were so violent, the only sound coming from her in the safety of the darkness was the gasping for air she managed in between.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Lexa jerked awake, knowing the next instant no sound had woken her but her uneasy mind losing itself in horrible memories. 

She closed her eyes again, pressing her palm against her forehead where she felt a headache starting and exhaled loudly through her mouth. 

It had been a long time since she'd last been haunted in her dreams by dead eyes staring back at her. She'd been able to lock them away with all memories of her and until Clarke had walked into her life, they hadn't entered her mind again. 

Somehow the girl who had fallen from the sky seemed to have all the keys to every door she'd created within her to be able to function, opening them slowly one by one without her realizing it until what had been locked away, was roaming freely through her head and heart like a wild animal on the hunt. 

The Commander sat up and rubbed her eyes with her index finger and thumb, trying to erase the images still visible on the back of her eye lids. When she opened her eyes, she saw the first daylight creep into her tent through the small gap between the ground and the canvas, reaching for her feet. 

Staying still and watching the sun meet her toes, warming them gently, she allowed her mind to wander. Back to a few hours ago when Clarke had fallen apart in front of her eyes. The storm she'd left in Lexa's chest was still there, still ripping through her. 

How had she managed to break down all her walls she'd so carefully built? How had she managed to get through all her defenses in just a few days by being a stubborn foolish girl with ideals too big, with a heart too caring for this world to survive?

Lexa grabbed the edge of her bed, digging her fingernails into the wood. She'd kept her feelings at bay for so long, being overwhelmed by them now was too much, making it almost impossible for her to focus. And focus, she had to. 

Taking a deep breath, she got up and spent the next half hour washing her face and brushing her teeth before putting her Commander outfit back on and with every piece of it, she felt her longing for Clarke grow weaker and the memories still bouncing around her head fade. 

She closed the last buckle on her wrist guard before leaving her tent and stepped out into the golden glow of the rising sun the hilltop of Ton DC was bathed in. How ironic, she thought, how the day began so beautifully as if to say, everything was possible when she was on her way to inform the leaders of the other nations that this war was doomed. 

The Ice Queen would love hearing Lexa declare she had failed. 

On her way downhill where the horses where kept in a large building that had withstood the blast and the years after, the Commander made sure her strides were confident and her head held high but also not to meet any eyes looking at her. Most of her warriors had heard the news about the sky boy Bellamy by now and they knew what it meant. They were looking to her for answers, for a promise this didn't mean the end to the war that was overdue and would finally avenge the people Mount Weather had taken from them. 

Passing the entrance to the training ground, she could hear noises of effort coming from it which in itself wasn't very unusual - her warriors spent a lot of their time training to keep their strength and improve their techniques – but something about the sound that reached her ears caught her attention. 

She stopped to listened and realized what was different. Moving closer noiselessly, she watched a petite woman with wild blonde curls striking one of the training logs repeatedly with a sword, grunting noises escaping her lips as she did. There was no visible technique, no sense behind what she was doing in the eyes of a warrior. But Lexa didn't look at her that way, she looked at her with the eyes of a woman who understood the pain of losing someone you cared about – you loved.

Clarke's face was screwed up in a mixture of strain, sorrow and something Lexa knew just too well herself: devastated rage. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy against her pale complexion, her lips thinning every time she drove the sword into the log. 

The leader of the sky people looked exhausted and was swaying on her feet when she pulled the sword out and swung it behind her to strike again but wouldn't stop. Again and again the dull sound of metal against wood accompanied her moans of effort and the longer Lexa stood there watching her – watching her torture herself because she didn't know how to deal with another loved one lost – the harder it was for her to stay away.

She wanted to help her but just didn't know how. She remembered the day she had felt like Clarke did now when revenge had taken control over her. Indra had tried talking her down but her ears had been deaf. Eventually, she had tackled her Commander and held her tightly until Lexa's rage had left her with only her grief and she had no strength left to fight her anymore. Not to comfort but to keep her from putting herself in danger and Lexa had been grateful for it. As a warrior and as the Commander especially, solace was a luxury she couldn't afford. The only way a grounder got back on his feet was by his own effort or not at all.

But Clarke was no grounder. She had been raised differently and lived a life unlike her own. The brunette wondered exactly what that life had been like up in space. She could not really imagine anything other than being on the ground, your life a constant fight to survive but since Clarke had come to offer her the alliance, the idea of something else - something more - been put into her like a seed in the ground and was slowly growing.

The blonde looked like she would collapse any moment, her face as white as the bones of the fallen but she kept going, her strikes significantly weaker now. 

Lexa turned away. She couldn't just stand there and watch how Clarke was hurting. She could feel her sorrow creep into her own chest, make it hard to breathe. 

Without looking back, she continued her way and tried to shake the presence of the blonde in her head. 

Entering the barn, she found most of the horses standing around dozing and her stallion by the archway that lead to a small pasture behind the building he was looking out onto. When she reached him, she petted his neck and earned a gentle push from his nose. Running her palm from his forehead down to his nose she let his tranquility reach into her. 

Since she'd taken command over her people, she'd found a companion in him she could draw strength from and find comfort in whenever she felt too overwhelmed to focus. With him, she didn't need words and she was never being judged. He was simply there, warm and alive. Someone to hold on to without having to fear she was appearing weak or unable to handle her title. 

A noise suddenly caught her attention that didn't fit the soundscape of the barn, of the horse's shallow rhythmical breaths, occasional swishes when they flicked their tails or a relaxed snort here and there. Lexa perked up her ears. 

She could make out two different voices speaking in Trigedasleng but no the single words. Something inside her told her to be cautious as she stepped closer to the entrance and slowly looked towards the direction the voices were coming from.

In the pasture with the wall of the barn in his back stood Gustus and a furious looking Emil in front of him. 

“...behind this Gustus. How could you betray your own people like this?”, Emil was saying in their language through gritted teeth and every inch of the Commander was instantly alert, her muscles tensing as she held her breath. 

“You're seeing ghosts, friend.”, Gustus told him determined, shaking his head. “What reason would I h-”

“I know you want the alliance to break.”, Emil cut him off, his voice shaking with anger. “I know you have sworn to protect her but it was her choice to walk into the darkness, you can not smooth out her way now.”

For a moment it was silent, the only sound was the chewing of hay behind the brunette. She kept her eyes fixed on the two men. She had known her choice to form the alliance with the sky people was being questioned and had upset her people especially after the massacre but she had no idea they were willing to sabotage it to undo her decision. 

“Confess or I will do it for you.”, Emil told his silent opposite warningly and grabbed him with his unhurt arm by the collar of his armored shirt. Though Gustus could easily overpower Emil, he didn't. They stared at each other for a moment and the hurt warrior let go, heading Lexa's way. 

She slipped behind her stallion and ducking, she waited for him to pass. Her head was spinning with the words she had just heard and their meaning was slowly sinking in. She covered her mouth with her hand to keep any noise of the devastation she felt washing over her quiet.

Once Emil had left the barn she carefully checked on the warrior left behind out in the pasture but he, too, was gone. The brunette decided he must've climbed over the wooden fence and realizing she was left alone, she leaned back against the wall of the building, the bricks so cold, she could feel them through her armor. 

Her knees were giving in when her mind was screaming with the truth she'd just learned and she felt herself slipping to the ground. How could this be? Of all her people, how could he be the one to betray her?

Tears were burning in the bottom of her eyes she kept from falling by putting her head back and swallowing hard. She gritted her teeth as disappointment settled over the first shock and was soon joined by boiling rage. 

Once again life was proving to her that she couldn't rely on anyone. She could trust no one but herself. Love is weakness, she reminded herself. 

 

She could feel his insecurity and his questioning eyes looking at her every other minute, trying to read her but Lexa kept her face straight ahead and the tornado of feelings on the inside hidden. 

Lexa tried concentrating on the cool air against her skin and the way the stallion underneath her was rocking her back and forth. 

“Heda, where are we headed?”, Gustus finally broke the silence and she could hear it in his voice, he was worried. About her safety or his own, she couldn't tell. 

The Commander did not reply and kept her eyes straight ahead. She dreaded as much as he did what had to be done - possibly more.

The path seemed endless, the tension in her body started to ache in her muscles and the longer it took, the harder it was to fight all those memories that wanted to spill over her walls like water over a dam. 

Finally she could make out one of the posts carrying a skull in between the trees and the closer she got, the more the ground behind it dropped until it revealed a pit full of bones. 

Leaving a short distance to its edge, Lexa dismounted and stared at the scene spread out before her. She hadn't been here since the air had been filled with the smell of burning flesh and her face smudged with blood and tears. She had revisited this scene a million times over in her nightmares where she heard their screams echo. 

Now that she actually stood at the edge of the pit with years in between, it looked more peaceful and calm, almost comforting. 

“Heda.”, she heard Gustus say softly behind her as he dismounted as well. 

“Do you still think about her?”, Lexa asked as he joined her. She looked down at the bones as he took a deep breath.

“Every day.”

“As do I.”, she told him and swallowed hard as the images of the darkest, yet most gentle eyes flashed before her own. 

“I remember the day I first laid eyes on her.”, Lexa went on, her voice drowning in the pain of her memories. “You had trained her so well, she was the only one able to defeat me in training.”

A faint smile twitched in the corner of her mouth as she watched the memory on her inner eye of a slender woman with black hair and olive skin move in front of her, her face screwed up in concentration and aggression she had put towards the brunette and eventually, the smile of surprise and pride when the tip of her sword was pointing against Lexa's neck who was lying flat on her back. 

Next to her, Gustus nodded. She could tell, he remembered that day, too. After Costia had pulled Lexa to her feet whose ego was much more bruised than her body, she had run to her brother and flung her arms around his neck happily. It was the only time Lexa had ever seen Gustus smile when he had embraced her tightly and told her in a whisper, he was proud of her. 

“I know you blame me for her death.”, the brunette said quietly and she could feel his surprised eyes looking at her.

“Heda, no.”, he answered, genuine astonishment in his voice but Lexa knew it wasn't because what she'd just said wasn't true. It was because no one had ever dared to speak it out loud. 

The Commander felt anger win over her grief. She looked at him. “Don't you dare lie to your Commander.”, she warned him. His eyes were chaos. She could see her own emotions reflected in them and also his fight to not let them surface. 

“It is the truth.”, the brunette went on after a moment of heavy silence and exhaled heavily, looking back into the pit. “Her blood is on my hands. Her life ended only because she was mine.” She swallowed hard. Saying it out loud made the stone of guilt in the pit of her stomach even heavier. 

“I know you anticipated a fate like that for her if she stayed with me.” The Commander's voice was shaking now but she didn't try hiding it anymore. “I wish I had listened to you and not chosen my happiness over her life.”

Lexa looked back at him, her eyes swimming with tears. “We both lost what mattered most that day.”

The warrior met her eyes and behind his beard she could see his bottom lip quiver. “I blame myself for her death more than you ever could.”, she assured him, her voice raspy. 

He dropped his eyes, not daring to speak his mind even though Lexa was offering her vulnerability as a mourning person rather than the facade of the Commander.

“Tell me, Gustus, why would you go on protecting me?”, she finally dared asking what she had continuously been wondering about all those years and held her breath. 

Next to her the warrior was taking a deep breath and lifting his head to stare into the distance. She could see his jaw muscles tense even under his thick beard. Endless moments ticked by in which Lexa followed his lead and turned her head to look straight ahead. In her line of vision was the pole with the symbol on it, she'd drawn with the blood from the puddle to her feet.

What had once been the place where Costia and Gustus had grown up had been turned into a battle ground by the Ice Queen when she had come to take her lover, leaving Gustus as the only survivor since he had been with her at the time. 

The blood of his family and Costia had been revenged with the blood of the Ice Nation's abducting troop, every single one slaughtered by as many deep cuts from Lexa and her warriors as their bodies could take and thrown into the pit where the bodies of the victims and their attackers had burned together to free their spirits.

“The day you have been called to lead our people”, Gustus finally said, his voice dry with resignation. “She made me promise to protect you at all cost, no matter what.”

Lexa felt a wave of tears fill her eyes once again and bit down her bottom lip to keep them from falling. Gustus' words reminded her of Costia's warm, caring heart and selflessness. Every day she'd known her, her only concern was Lexa's safety. She'd known the Commander's spirit would choose her long before it had and while everyone had dropped their eyes in awe when she had taken the throne, Costia's dark ones had shone with pride. It was her certainty, her reassurance, that had given Lexa the confidence she could lead her people well. 

“It is what I do to this day.”, the warrior interrupted her thoughts. 

“What danger do you see in Clarke of the sky people?”, the brunette said after swallowing her tears, her voice more steady and inquiring now. 

Gustus didn't seem surprised at the question. At some point he must've realized what their trip here was all about. 

“I knew my sister's life was in danger when you were chosen to be the Commander. But I also saw it in your eyes, she was loved as truly and deeply as one could possibly be loved.”, the tall warrior said without looking at her. She could hear it in his voice, it wasn't easy for him to tell her this and wondered if he knew how hard it was for her to hear it. 

“You look at her the same way.”, he added quietly and the Commander felt a shiver run down her spine at his words. She didn't need to ask to know he was referring to Clarke and she wasn't able to object not only because her voice would fail her now, but because he deserved to be spoken to with nothing but the truth. 

“And since her mercy killing that boy, our people are not happy with your decision - or this alliance. There's a riot under way, Heda, and it will cost you your life.”

The Commander nodded in understanding. She had felt the unrest among her people grow but been hoping once the dust would settle and their people be freed from Mount Weather, they would realize she had made the right decision and made it in their favor. 

The wind rustled the leaves in the trees overhead softly with a warm breeze she felt brush across her skin, though she shivered, dreading the next words she had to speak. Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath and let it settle within, trying to replace her battling emotions with calmness. She felt the tears disappear from her eyes and her mind focus. She could not be the woman who had loved his sister, she was the Commander he had betrayed. The reason did not matter, his disobedience knew only one punishment.

“This treachery will cost you yours.”, she told him determined. She didn't look at him but out of the corner of her eyes she could tell, he was not surprised. He knew how life as a grounder worked. He had known he would have to pay with his life the moment he had made the decision to get rid of Clarke by collaborating with the enemy. 

“How did you do it?”, she asked, still staring at the pole that bore Costia's sign. 

He took a moment before he spoke and it felt as if he was savoring every second he had left to live. 

“I went to the border where the acid fog doesn't reach and held up a sign telling them, I wanted to make a deal.”, Gustus started telling her about his plan, his voice dull and weary. “At first they didn't respond but eventually, two Mountain Men came to talk to me. I told them about the alliance and your plan to attack and that it would only work with the help of the sky people. I told them we would not strike if they were to eliminate Clarke. They laughed and said, we could attack all we wanted but never even get close enough to cause any damage.”

Lexa felt her muscles tense as she listened and knew what he would tell her next. She almost wanted to tell him to stop talking, she didn't want to hear it, but she had to know and so the brunette remained silent, clenching her fists with anger.

“I told them we already had a man inside to turn off the acid fog. They were not laughing anymore. They left to confirm it and when they came back, they were ready to listen. I told them I would let them know when an opportunity would present itself that would not harm any of our own and when she went back to their camp, I let them know. You already know what happened after.”

Lexa nodded. “They killed two of our own.”, she said bitterly.


	10. Chapter 10

Clarke's index finger was playing with the tip of the antenna of the walkie, bending it this or that way absentmindedly. A part of her was not ready to let go. Hope, they say, dies last and it would die the moment she saw Bellamy's body. Until then she would keep believing that somehow he was still alive.

 

She still had to think of an alternate plan. He could be locked in a cage and waiting for her to come to his rescue. They needed to find another way in but so far, she had not been able to find another way past the acid fog.

 

A sudden increase in noise from outside her tent caught her attention. She turned around and stared at the curtain hiding her from the outside and vice versa. It sounded like most of Ton DC was just hurrying past, their voices raised with shouting in between. Every word uttered outside was spoken in in Trigedasleng so Clarke couldn't even guess what had them excited.

 

Her curiosity got the better of her and leaving the walkie behind, she pushed the canvas aside to see a flood of warriors head downhill, their voices resonating with anger. Frowning she stepped outside and followed after them, looking around in hopes to find anyone who could explain to her what was happening.

 

Reaching the slope, she overlooked a half circle of at last a hundred warriors facing a tree. Squinting her eyes she recognized Gustus as the one being bound to it, several torches lightening the area around him even though night was still hours away.

 

Her confusion was guiding her downhill, looking from the tied man to the angry mob trying to think of anything she had observed that could explain this.

 

Standing together with a little distance to the crowd she spotted the handful of sky people currently living in Ton DC for the alliance’s sake and hurried over to join them just as the sea of warriors fell suddenly silent.

 

As Clarke turned around she saw the Commander had stepped in front of her people, her face as hard and emotionless as it had been the first time she'd met her. Still looking at the brunette whose eyes seemed to glow with the black war flames painted around them, she reached Raven standing in front of Marcus and Abby.

 

“What is going on?”, Clarke whispered and looked at the mechanic just as Lexa started talking in Trigedasleng. Whatever she was saying, the blonde could tell by the tone of her voice it was nothing good. She was pacing slowly up and down and her words earned some murmurs from her warriors.

 

“I have no idea.”, Raven answered quietly and wouldn't take her eyes off of the spectacle.

 

Clarke noticed some movement in the corner of her eyes and saw Octavia and Lincoln head towards the crowd. Her dark-haired friend looked like she felt: her eyes were bloodshot and glazed over with grief, her face pale and pain written into features.

 

There were still some remainders of the beating she'd taken before Indra had accepted her as her second, wounds that hadn't completely healed and scars to stay on forever. Clarke was both, shocked and amazed how different Bellamy's sister looked from the day she'd first stepped onto the ground. There was nothing left of the innocent wonder, the softness of a child. Her features had grown hard, her cheekbones more prominent and her eyes yelled war.

 

She looked like she knew what was going on or at least, she could ask Lincoln to translate. Clarke hurried towards them and attracted their attention with a breathless “Hey.”

 

“Hey.”, Octavia answered shortly and didn't even look at her. The blonde fell into step with them as they approached the half circle of warriors.

 

“Do you know what's going on?”, she asked, just as the Commander fell silent. Bellamy's sister stopped and looked at her perplexed.

  
“You don't?”, she asked, her eyes furrowed.

 

Clarke was stunned that she should know and glanced at the man tied to the pole. “No, I have no idea.”, the blonde said when she looked back at Octavia and shook her head.

 

“He tried to kill you.”, she told her coldly and glared Gustus. “He killed Bellamy.” The muscles in her jaw tensed and she clenched her fists. Before Clarke even had a chance to process the information, Octavia marched on, making her way through the crowd to the front.

 

Lincoln didn't follow but stayed behind looking like he had fought this war all on his own. He was covered in bruises and wounds, his eyes swollen and carried a look she had come to know very well since they had left the Ark: the look of feeling guilty beyond the point where anyone could tell you, true or not, it isn't your fault, their words powerless against your conscience.

 

“What is she saying?”, Clarke asked him to clarify. His eyes met his and there was so much sadness in their depth, for the moment she forgot all about her own.

 

Lincoln sighed heavily and turned to look after Octavia. “The target was not you, it was the alliance.”

 

Her head was spinning with his words. She followed his eyes and saw Lexa make the first cut to his shoulder. His face would not give away the pain she knew he had to be feeling. The brunette turned to hand Octavia the dagger who took it without a moment of hesitation and stepping up to the tied warrior. She stared at him for a moment before leaving a deep cut across his chest.

  
“What...what are they doing?”, Clarke asked and though she had seen so many horrible things here on earth, she was still not used to it. She knew the answer to her question but her mind didn't want to believe it.

 

“Disobeying the Commander alone is a death sentence. He is also responsible for the death of two her men and - “

 

“- Bellamy's.”, Clarke finished bitterly and stared at the warrior who was bleeding from several deep slashes by now, his posture slowly turning from tall and proud to sunken and tortured. No sound escaped his lips, no matter how many more cuts were added to his body by his own people. One after the other stepped up to him, taking the knife to make him suffer for his crime.

 

The blonde’s feet carried her absentmindedly toward the pole. She tried to figure out how she felt about what was happening before her eyes: anger and devastation were battling in her chest. If the choice was hers, would she want his death?

With a few feet left between her and the warrior she stopped and watched a deep gash being made to his thigh by Indra. Gustus winced and Clarke could tell he had too little strength left to bare his fate with dignity.

 

On the other side of the pole stood Lexa, one hand holding on to the hilt of the sword at her side. Her jaw muscles were tenser than she had ever seen, her eyes fixed on Gustus but they weren’t hard or cold like Clarke would’ve thought. Every part of Lexa’s body screamed confidence, strength and pride - except for her eyes.

 

They looked grayer than their usual green, as if a tornado was loose in them, tearing her apart on the inside. Clarke’s brows furrowed slightly. She had believed her when she’d told her that she’d simply stopped caring after her lovers death but the more time she spent here in Ton DC, the more she got to see of the Commander, the more she realized, her heart was no more made of stone than her own.

 

The walls around it were thicker and higher to protect it but she still felt for those who had managed to reach it. She could see it in her eyes how she suffered with him, with every cut and how her duty was battling with her connection to Gustus and the blonde couldn’t help but wonder, what exactly it was, that linked them.

 

The warrior had risked and was about to lose his life trying to protect her and Lexa seemed as conflicted as Clarke had felt when she had to choose between Finn and the alliance.

 

The Commander seemed to have noticed the blonde watching her and when her eyes met Clarke’s, for a moment it felt like someone had pulled out the ground beneath her. There was so much depth, so much chaos, so much _pain_ looking back at her, she could hardly stand looking at her. The moment their eyes locked felt endless, like she was drowning for a lifetime.

 

When Lexa turned to look at the crowd to Clarke’s left, raising her hand to call her people to silence, the blonde felt a shiver run through her that left her feeling more confused than she ever had felt. There were too many emotions loose inside of her, too many questions and doubts. Nothing seemed to make any sense anymore.

 

“Clarke of the sky people.”, the Commander spoke over the thick silence between them and was slowly looking from her people back at Clarke, her eyes as green and sharp as ever, no trace of the whirlwind of destruction left in their depth. “Gustus of the tree people has tried to take your life in order to break the alliance between us.”

 

Between them, the warrior’s breath was rattling, his chest heaving heavily, his entire body covered in blood.

 

“This treachery must be paid with his life.”, Lexa continued and started walking, closing the distance between them. “The honor to let justice take its course is yours.” She stopped with two arms lengths left between them and pulled her sword from its sheath, presenting it to her on her open palms with its hilt pointing at Clarke just like she had on the training ground.

  
The blonde looked at her perplexed. “What?”, she breathed and her voice was shaking as she looked down at the sword.

 

“The kill is yours, Clarke.”, the Commander rephrased patiently and held the sword a little closer to her.

  
The blonde looked from the weapon to the bleeding warrior suffering with every breath he could barely take. He would die either way, every second she stood there hesitating was just prolonging his misery.

 

Looking back at the Commander, she wondered if this was to test her - or to avoid being the one to end his life when she already had to carry the burden of sentencing him to death. She met her eyes but she had closed the doors to her thoughts and feelings tightly, allowing Clarke to see nothing but determination.

 

Though it was silent around them - even earth seemed to hold its breath waiting for the blonde to take the sword from the Commander - it was like she could hear the thoughts of everybody present as whispers in her head – all those ‘no don’t do it’ whispers as a song of angry hisses from the grounders and in between the few scared pleas from her own people. When Clarke took hold of the sword, she wasn’t sure if the only reason she had, was in defiance.

 

“Clarke, no.”, she heard her mother call out as the Commander stepped out of her way with a nod of respect. The blonde didn’t look her way but approached the warrior gasping for air while blood seeped through his lips and ran down his chin.

 

He looked at her and where she thought she’d find fear she only found sadness in the depth of his dark eyes. He gave her the hint of a nod as if to tell her, he was welcoming his death.

 

The blonde took a deep breath and now she was raising the sword wondering just how she should go about it, the weight of what she was about to do hit her without warning. She felt her body tremble out of nowhere, her head spin and for a moment she stared at Finn instead of the warrior. Everything else around her blurred, the only sound that of her heart, beating so hard in her chest it felt like it would break through her ribs with the next one.

 

She could feel Lexa’s expecting and her mother’s terrified eyes, the grounder’s glares in her back. She clenched her fists, the knuckles turning white and took a few deep breaths until she felt the fog in her head lift as her mind found its way back. Like she’d just taken out ear plugs the sound flooded her ears again, the rustling of leaves, the rattling breath of a dying man, the heavy breathing of a hundred warrior behind her.

 

Her eyes found focus again and looked up to meet the dying warrior’s. Somehow they didn’t seem as dark as Clarke remembered and much softer than the first time they had looked into hers when he had threatened her life. She felt the tension slowly leave her body and calm clarity replace the panic and confusion within.

 

She turned to look at Lexa and her voice was soft but steady when she told her: “He may have tried to kill me but I’m still alive.” She grabbed the blade of the sword and felt its razor sharp edges cut lightly into her skin as she offered the sword back to the Commander. “Since it is your word that sentences him to death, he should die by your hand, too.”

  
Lexa looked at her with narrowed eyes as if she was trying to read in the blonde’s, whether her words were an excuse or the truth but in that moment, Clarke didn’t care if the Commander approved or not. She couldn’t end his life, no matter the circumstances. He might be responsible for Bellamy getting caught but she didn’t know for sure and she just couldn’t murder someone because of a maybe.

  
Finally, the Commander nodded and took her sword back and Clarke felt strangely relieved. She watched the brunette step in front of Gustus, their eyes locking in a silent goodbye.

 

“Ste yuj, heda.”, he whispered as Lexa raised her sword and pointed the tip at his chest right above his heart. “Ste klir.”

 

For a moment, the Commander seemed to waver and blinked rapidly as if she was trying to hide tears. She swallowed hard, her jaw muscles clenching.

 

“Yu gonplei ste odon.”, she told him softly before driving her sword into his body. A sharp intake of breath was the last sound from the warrior’s throat as his body first tensed and then flagged around the weapon.

 

Lexa pulled her blade back and stared at the ruby liquid covering the metal. She seemed a prisoner of her mind as the crowd behind her began to buzz with muttering. Clarke couldn’t take her eyes off her.

 

Despite the armor protecting her body and the weapon in her hand that had just ended a life, the Commander looked small and lost – as if a part of her had just died with him.

 

“Clarke!”, she heard her name being called and looking up she saw her mother running towards her, eyes wide with relief and her arms open as she reached the blonde. Clarke took a step back and looked at her with furrowed brows.

 

Instead of hugging her daughter, Abby grabbed her by the shoulders and squeezed them, a sad but proud smile on her lips.

 

“You've done the right thing, honey. An eye for an eye - “, she told her.

 

“- makes the whole world blind, I remember.”, Clarke finished for her irritated and pulled away, watching the smile fall off her lips. She knew her mother was trying hard but she just couldn't handle her being close or trying to parent her after the time they'd been left alone on the ground.

 

“Life is not a book full of quotes wise men living in a civilized world once said, mom. Life on the ground isn't what you told us it would be, _at all_. You haven't been here for the worst part so spare me your pep talk about what's right and wrong.” Clarke just exploded from one second to the other, her voice growing loud enough for everyone within two hundred feet to hear every single word. Her mother froze in front of her eyes, her features overwhelmed by shock and disbelief the longer her daughter spoke, her voice growing more and more aggressive.

 

“ _You_ sent me down here to die.”, she added, her anger and frustration - the panic and fear she had felt when the ship had detached from the Ark - it all came back to her now and hit her without warning. “But _I_ survived. You don't get to tell me what to do anymore.”

 

Clarke glared at her for a moment, her mother's devastation prominent in every inch of her face but she didn't care. She wasn't living to make her proud, not anymore. She was trying to make the best decision for everyone.

 

She hardly noticed how the people around them had fallen silent, only Lexa's green eyes watching her intensely. When she met them, Clarke saw something in their depth she didn't know how to read. Her face was expressionless as always, her prominent cheekbones giving her features that cold, hardened look, her war paint around her eyes and down her cheeks like a mask hiding whatever lay beyond - but the way she looked at her it felt like she was reaching into her and Clarke felt a shiver run down her spine, unable to move a muscle.

 

A hint of a nod followed before Lexa turned to face her people. Her voice was determined as she spoke to them in Trigedasleng but the blonde was too confused and overwhelmed to be able to make out the words.

 

She needed to get away from all the people, from all those confusing thoughts now screaming in her head and she just started walking. She could see Raven take a step towards her as Clarke headed her way but she didn't respond and passed her by without a word or even a look. She wanted to run, as fast as her legs would carry her. She wanted to run as far away from everything here – from her mother, her friends, the war ahead, the grief that followed her around wherever she went – but knew she couldn't.

 

Her mind was racing as she hurried up the slope. She needed to do something – _anything_ to give her mind focus. Reaching the top she desperately looked around and when her eyes found the Commander’s tent, her mind was too occupied with her decision to care about intruding or possibly breaking any grounder law.

 

There was no one left up here and it felt odd as she hurried towards the tent. A light breeze played with the blonde strands framing her face as she reached Lexa’s space and in that moment everything felt so calm, almost peaceful. She looked back the way she’d come. The sky was slowly turning dark as the sun started setting behind the dark grey clouds that hadn’t left them since the storm at camp Jaha.

 

The breeze grew stronger and rustled through the canvas of the tens around her. A strange feeling crept into her at the sight of the empty camp, like this was a preview on things to come and Clarke felt herself shiver. She shook her head and locked that thought away as she entered the Commander’s tent. They wouldn’t lose this war, she told herself determined and gritted her teeth as she stepped up to the war table and the model of their target. She would find a way in. She would find a way to free her people and stop Mount Weather.

 

She put her hands on the table and stared at the model mountain and the tiny door representing the impenetrable metal one keeping her from her friends. That and the acid fog, Clarke reminded herself and exhaled bitterly, releasing a bit of the tension in her body. She rounded the table, trying to get a different angle on things but after walking in a circle for a while, she had to realize that there was no chance for a war with the acid fog still in place.

 

Frustration was clenching her fists and racing her heart as she stared at the model and it felt like it was mocking her. Guided by her anger, she grabbed the board the model was built on and threw it on the ground with a cry of desperation. The carefully placed details of single trees forming the forest and sticks to show the grounder built bridges over rivers and gorges were flying off the board and scattering all over the floor.

 

“Is this a custom of your people.”, Lexa’s voice reached her through her rage and pulled her eyes from the model on the ground to the entrance of the tent where the Commander stood looking straight at her. “To enter someone else’s space and cause disorder?”

 

She looked down at the tiny trees to her feet and back at Clarke who was just staring at her dumbstruck and surprised by her own action. She had never been someone to lose control but thought her actions through, weighing the consequences carefully. This wasn’t like her at all. She felt like she was losing herself in all those expectations she needed to live up to.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mea-“, she said quietly but found herself obeying to the raising of the Commander’s hand just like her warriors.

 

“What can I do for you, Clarke?”, the brunette asked and stepped closer. Clarke admired for a moment how she managed to maneuver her way through the scattered model parts without looking on the ground and not tread on a single one.

 

“I –“, the blonde began and found it hard to look into those green eyes, especially when there was only an arm’s length between them. “I don’t even know anymore.”

 

“No battle is as hard to fight as having patience in times like this.”, Lexa told her and her eyes looked at her a little softer as if to show Clarke she understood what she was going through.

 

“Patience won’t turn off the acid fog, Lexa.”, Clarke said defiantly and turned away for a moment, taking a deep breath to calm herself as best as possible.

 

“We won’t get close with an army. They monitor the area, as soon as they see us they will use it.”, Clarke said as slowly as she possibly could to keep her frustration from taking over again and looked back at the Commander.

 

She could see in her eyes that she knew it, too.

 

Clarke was just opening her mouth, about to speak, when a strange crackling distracted her. Her head shot around, as did the brunettes, their eyes searching for the source of the sound.

 

“ –dy there? –llo? Clar – ven? Hello?”, a voice seemed to come out of nowhere. A voice she recognized instantly and her heart started pounding painfully hard.

 

Her eyes kept searching, jumping back and forth until finally they landed on a walkie half hidden under the canvas. Clarke jumped forward, recognizing it as the one she had taken off the Mountain Man and only now remembered that she had dropped it the night before when she had been told their plan to infiltrate Mount Weather had failed.

 

“Hello, is anybody there, hello?”, the voice came more clearly from the walkie after Clarke had picked it up and with shaking hands, pressed the button to allow her voice to get to the other end.

 

“Bellamy?”, she panted, her heart pounding even harder now and so loudly she was afraid she would miss the answer. Her entire body was trembling as she waited, the seconds feeling like a lifetime. Lexa had stepped up to her and was staring at the black box in her hand. Clarke could sense her confusion but she had no patience to react to it. She kept staring at the walkie, begging silently her mind wasn’t just playing tricks on her.

 

“Clarke.”, came the simple answer but the way he said her name was confirmation enough and she felt like a whole mountain was taken off her shoulders. She laughed and felt tears spill from her eyes, her body trembling with the relief washing over her.

 

“Bellamy! You’re alive!” Clarke’s voice was shaking with excitement and suffocated by her sobbing. “We thought you wer -“

 

“Clarke, you need to get out of Ton DC.”, Bellamy’s voice came from the walkie and even with the metallic crackling distorting it, she could hear the high pitch being alarmed put into it. “They want to sh – “

 

His voice broke off and only the sound of static filled the air.

 

She could feel Lexa’s questioning eyes on her as fear crept back into her chest. “Bellamy? Bellamy!”, she almost screamed, pressing the button so hard, her knuckles turned white.

 

Her head was spinning and her heart pounding so hard, she could feel her pulse in her fingertips as she waited, hoping she would hear his voice again.

 

“- they are aiming a missle at Ton DC, they want to kill you and Lexa. They know about the alliance. Clarke do you hea-“

 

The static that followed this time sounded different - hollow somehow - like even the white noise was trying to tell her, waiting for another answer was a waste of time.

 

“Bellamy! Bellamy?”, Clarke yelled desperately at the walkie. “Bellamy!”

 

Lexa’s hand closed gently around her wrist and pushed the walkie down. Her green eyes were staring at her, waiting for Clarke’s too meet them but she didn’t want to see it in her eyes, too. She wasn’t ready to lose him all over again, not without knowing what was happening inside that mountain. Was he safe? How had he managed to reach out to them?

 

“Clarke, we need to leave.”, Lexa’s voice pushed through the chaos of her thoughts. “Right now.”

 

It took a moment before the Commander’s words made sense in her head and she realized she was right. She hadn’t been able to process Bellamy’s message until now.

 

“We need to warn everybody and get them out of here.”, Clarke whispered in realization and more to herself than to Lexa. Her body was moving all on its own driven by images in her mind of hundreds of dead bodies.

 

“No!”, the Commander said determined and tightened the grip around her wrist to hold her back “We can’t.”

 

Clarke looked at her perplexed and let her words repeat in her mind to make sure she hadn’t misunderstood.   
  
“What?”, she asked confused and stared at the brunette in disbelief. “We have to! All these people out there will die if we don’t.”

 

“Did you not hear Bellamy?”, she told her, her voice so low it was just barely more than a whisper. “They are aiming for us. If we evacuate Ton DC they will not only try again but also know we have been warned.”

 

Clarke didn’t know what to respond. The rational part of her knew what Lexa said was true but she couldn’t accept the consquences.

 

“You were right to put your faith in Bellamy.”, the brunette continued, obviously sensing that Clarke would need a lot more to be convinced. She took a step towards the blonde, their faces so close she could feel the Commander’s breath brush across her face as she continued to talk quietly. “He has made it inside the mountain. He is still alive. We owe him our lives, Clarke. He warned you so _you_ can be saved. If you save everybody else, you will not only jeopardize yours but his life as well. They will know there is a traitor. You said it yourself, there is no way to win this war with the acid fog still in play. He is the only one who can turn it off for us. And the only way he can do that is if Mount Weather thinks we’re dead and not suspect his presence in their midst.”

 

Her words were tumbling in Clarke’s mind like someone was juggling with ten balls at the same time. All her points made sense on their own but it didn’t make her gut feel any better about letting all those people die for the greater good. She would gladly give her own life if it meant to save everybody else’s and end this war without any more lives lost. But things weren’t that simple, were they?

 

She felt her stomach clench and for a moment she thought she would throw up. She pressed her lips together and took a deep breath.

 

Lexa’s eyes had a shade of green she’d never seen in them before, almost emerald as they looked at Clarke. They weren’t bidding and she could see that the decision to sacrifice so many of her own didn’t come naturally or easily. She could see the same chaos in Lexa’s eyes she felt in her heart.

 

She thought of Bellamy, of all her friends inside that mountain. She remembered the devastation she had felt just mere minutes ago when the model of Mount Weather had landed on the floor. Lexa was right. She didn’t like it – no she hated it so much her stomach was turning sickening – but if they wanted to win this war, they had to make this sacrifice.

 

When Clarke finally nodded in agreement, she knew the souls of those who would die here just to have a chance at this war, would haunt her for the rest of her life. Would haunt her like Finn’s, no matter how rationally justified her actions were, no matter how many lives would be saved in return - they were still lives _she_ had chosen not to not save.

* * *

ste yui, heda, ste klir - be strong, commander, be safe


	11. Chapter 11

Her steps grew smaller and her feet felt heavier the more distance they brought between them and missile’s target. She kept looking back, seeing nothing but trees and thicket, leaves and dirt. Her mind used the forest scenery as a canvas, showing her mother, Marcus, Octavia and Raven, Lexa’s people she had come to know by name and those she had only seen in passing.

 

Every time her instincts screamed for her to turn around and run back to warn them, to save them all. And every time she reminded herself why she couldn’t, feeling herself being torn apart on the inside, her heart battling her mind leaving her with nothing but the dry and bitter taste of defeat the harder she tried to come up with an alternative solution but couldn’t.

 

The Commander was leading the way, her head and torso covered by a large scarf to hide her from preying eyes. Clarke couldn’t tell what fabric it was made of nor which color it had as it seemed to change depending on the light. It reminded of the camouflage clothing used in the military, except it seemed more natural and was much more efficient. Lexa managed to blend in so perfectly with her surroundings, whenever Clarke glanced back the way they had come, it took her a moment to spot the brunette and it was usually her moving through the thicket that gave her away.

 

She had been given a similar scarf, large enough to cover even her backpack, and was now pulling it a little tighter around her shoulders as night started falling, cooling down the air quickly. She wondered how much further the Commander was planning on going when she watched her starting to climb a steep hillside.

 

The blonde stopped and put her head back to be able to see the top where the last rays of sunlight touched the ground. Clarke sighed when the climb stretched a good 25 meters into the sky. She made sure the fabric hiding her blonde curls was knotted tightly enough around her to keep it from slipping before she followed after the Commander who was halfway up already.

 

The blonde frowned. Watching her made it look so easy. To Lexa the slope didn’t even seem to be a challenge at all, her feet finding the best spot to be placed easily, her hands grabbing hold of roots and noiselessly she moved upward.

 

Clarke had a much harder time following after her, her feet kept slipping and the stretch to the next root always seemed just out of reach. She started wondering what kind of training the brunette had been through to be able to move like that.

 

As sweat pearls collected on her forehead with the effort of the climb, she found her mind wandering, imagining a much younger Lexa when she had yet to become the Commander. She wondered if she had always been this focused and driven and put living for the greater good of the clan.

 

Clarke was halfway up the hillside by now, panting and feeling the muscles in her arms and legs burn. The light of the day was quickly fading and she could only make out the Commander’s silhouette standing at the edge as she looked up. She was expecting the brunette to comment yet again on how she was moving as gracefully as a two legged deer but the only sound was the sound of the dirt she tread loose with her boots, rolling over old brittle leaves to the ground and the silhouette disappeared.

 

She took a deep breath and released it slowly before she continued on her way up and the higher she climbed, the steeper the slope seemed to get and the less strength she had left in her body. Her fingers kept slipping from the roots offering their support and her feet hardly managed to find a place to rest.

  
With an arm’s length left to conquer, the hillside was almost vertical and Clarke just couldn’t tell how the Commander had made it up here so effortlessly while she was hanging on for dear life by now, gasping for air and covered in sweat. Gritting her teeth, she willed herself to move on and put everything she’d left into a leap toward the edge. She managed to reach the soft forest ground with her hand but the ground was too loose to support her and crumbled under her fingers.

 

Her calves were cramping up with the effort it took to keep her weight balanced on the two inches of footing her feet had managed to find. Instinctively she held her breath, digging her fingers deeper into the dirt but she kept slipping and felt her body tip backwards.

 

Clarke felt panic fill her chest and the dirt crumble under her toes, her body trembling with the effort it took to keep holding on. Her fingertips were reaching the edge and in that second before her body was pulled backwards toward the ground by its weight, she felt like she had gone deaf from one second to the other, no sound able to reach through to her.

 

In that second of weightlessness, she saw her father being pulled from the metal floor of the Ark and out into space, his body floating almost peacefully among the blackness lit by a million stars in the distance. In that second she felt peaceful, almost as if her father wanted to tell her that dying wasn’t something she had to fear, that he would be there to welcome her on the other side.

 

Reality hit her even harder when she felt gravity pull at her. Clarke closed her eyes, she didn’t want to see the ground coming closer or the sky move away from her. Her arms were paddling in the air, desperately trying to grab hold of something and when one finally did, Clarke was too perplexed to make much use of it.

 

She felt her fall being broken and a sudden jolt go through her body as it hit the slope. Her eyes opened to find Lexa kneeling at the edge, both her hands holding on to Clarke’s arm by which she was now hanging over the abyss. She couldn’t help but glance down for a moment but it had gotten so dark by now that all she saw was blackness underneath her dangling feet.

 

“Clarke!”, Lexa pressed through gritted teeth to get the blonde’s attention and when she looked back at the Commander, the effort it took to keep her from falling was written all over her face.

 

The realization she had just escaped death by a nose finally made its way through the panic and she kicked at the slope to find enough footing to be able to push herself up. The Commander was putting all of her weight against the blonde’s, her fingers so tightly around her arm her knuckles were turning white while her face was slowly reddening as she held her breath.

 

Finally Clarke’s foot managed to kick loose a chunk of clay leaving a big enough hole for her toes. She could feel her arm slowly glide through the Commander’s fingers and gravity pull her towards the darkness underneath. Her heart was pounding so hard, it made it almost impossible for her to breath and she could feel her mind fog with dizziness.

 

With the last bit of strength she could muster, she used her footing to jump up and into Lexa’s hold on her, throwing the brunette off balance. Somehow she managed to use it to their advantage and threw herself backwards, pulling Clarke up to her waste over the edge. The ground was crumbling under her weight, threatening to give in and take her down with her once again but the brunette reacted instantly.

 

She was sitting on the ground, her legs spread and heels digging into the ground to keep herself from being pulled towards the abyss by the blonde’s weight, hands clenched around her arm and with a scream of effort she pulled as hard as she could while Clarke’s legs were trying to get past the edge by kicking continuously and finally she managed to get one knee over and use her weight her advantage.

 

Pushing herself away from the abyss she was thrown forward by Lexa’s pull on her arm and didn’t even mind the sharp pain her knee hitting a rock on the ground caused. Gasping for air, she felt her entire body go limp while her heart was still pounding fast and hard and only slowed down reluctantly.

 

It took a moment for her to realize she was safe and when she did, the soreness settled in her muscles and bones.

 

She heard Lexa clear her throat but she was not yet ready to open her eyes, not yet ready to continue on this journey wherever she thought they were safe. It wasn’t so much the fact she could’ve just died but simply her body meeting its limits. She had pushed it so hard so far over the past two weeks, she just didn’t have any energy or strength left to be a good warrior.

 

“Clarke…?” Her name was softly spoken, hardly more than a whisper and yet she could hear it clearly. The blonde frowned slightly when she realized, she also felt the breath that had carried it across Lexa’s lips brush against her skin and suddenly, she became very aware of the fact that half of the Commander was buried underneath her.

 

She could feel the brunette’s hip press against her abdomen and her chest rise and fall underneath her own, could feel the warmth of her body reach through both their clothing and a shiver run down her spine when she felt another breath brush across her face.

 

Slowly – reluctantly - Clarke opened her eyes and felt her cheeks flush before she even met Lexa’s, a bright emerald this time even in the half darkness. For a moment, time seemed to freeze as she looked at her, their noses only inches apart. She couldn’t tell what it was, but something about being this close to her made her heart flutter and throat feel painfully dry.

 

She expected to see annoyance and impatience in the Commander’s face and was genuinely surprised when her features met her eyes with softness and – Clarke frowned once again – a hint of awkwardness?

 

“I’m…”, Clarke began but her voice failed her and only a croaking sound left her throat. She cleared it and tried again, trying to shift off and away from the brunette as casually as possible. “I’m sorry.”

 

Lexa didn’t move until the blonde had managed to clumsily scramble to her feet. Clarke didn’t dare look at her and instead, took in her surroundings. She couldn’t make out much now that the sun had set, the only light its fading red glow. They seemed to be on some kind of plateau and in the distance she could see tiny orange spots she realized were the camp fires within Ton DC.

 

Ton DC. It suddenly hit her why she was here in the first place and she felt a flicker of hope ignite in her chest. It had been hours since Bellamy’s warning. Maybe he had somehow managed to stop the missile from being launched? She stared into the distance as the Commander got back on her feet.

 

“This way.”, she was told and saw the brunette lead the way out of the corner of her eye. Clarke lingered for a moment, thinking about her people, her friends, about Lexa’s warriors and begged in silence that Bellamy had found a way to save them before she followed after the brunette and realized their journey had found its end.

 

Lexa had disappeared into an opening and as the blonde slowly entered she realized it was a cave leading deep inside a mountain. A few feet ahead she could hear some noise and shortly after, a spark momentarily lit Lexa’s face before it turned into a flame, quickly growing into a camp fire, lighting more and more of its surroundings.

 

The fire started to crackle as it ate away the branches and Clarke could make out a ring of stones around it that looked like it had been there for years, maybe even decades. Dust and dirt had collected on every surface no matter how little, even the uneven walls were coated.

 

Lexa was kneeling on the sand covered ground and fed more branches to the flames from the small pile next to her. Had Clarke really taken this long up the slope that the brunette had had enough time to collect fire wood? Apparently she really did move like a two legged deer, she thought as she watched the Commander stare into the fire.

 

“Thank you.”, Clarke broke the silence and her voice bounced off the walls. She crouched down, putting her palms against the warm flames.

 

The Commander looked up from the fire with a slight frown.

 

“For…”, Clarke said and pointed behind her with her thumb, looking back for a moment before meeting her eyes again. “…helping me.”

 

It took a moment before the brunette reacted as if she was thinking about the best way to respond and finally she simply nodded before she looked back into the fire.

 

“So what exactly is the plan here?”, Clarke asked and watched the light of the flickering flames dance on Lexa’s face, giving her usual more olive tone a more golden shade and made her already very prominent cheekbones even more dominant. “We just sit and wait?”

 

“We save our strength until we can use it to our advantage.”, the Commander answered quietly and it sounded recited rather than something she truly believed in.

 

“So sit and wait it is.”, Clarke said sarcastically and got back up with a frustrated sigh, putting her hands on her hips and flinched instantly as a wave of pain radiated through her body. Instinctively she lifted her shirt and found a dark blue bruise the size of her hand on her hip. Sighing again she walked back to the entrance of the cave and stepped out into the night.

 

The air was cool and heavy with a mixture of pine, clay and moss. There was no wind, not even a breeze and in the distance she could hear an owl as she stared at the small dots of light in the distance and felt her heart ache for those they had left behind.

 

Clarke caught some movement behind her and knew it was Lexa approaching her. Somehow she could tell it was her by the way her presence felt, by the way the back of her neck started prickling when she was just outside her personal space.

 

“You care for them.”, Lexa stated simply and joined her in staring into the distance. “But as a leader you need to care for the cause more.”

 

Clarke could feel her eyes watching her now but her own were held captive by the distance.

 

“Please spare me your love is weakness bullshit.”, she said wearily after a moment and could feel the brunette stiffen next to her. She had no energy left to watch her words or manners with the leader of the tree people. Lexa didn’t care about her choice of words so why should she?

 

“You said that you just stopped caring about everyone.”, Clarke continued, her voice a little louder, a little stronger this time and she turned to meet Lexa’s eyes. “But I know you cared about Gustus. I could see it in your eyes. And I know you care about all those people we left behind to die in our place.”

 

The Commander’s features were hard, her jaw clenched and lips thin. “You tell me I’m weak for caring but you, Lexa, you’re just a liar.”

 

She could watch the brunette stiffen further before her eyes, swallow hard and her clenched fists tremble.

 

“The only reason I am here, the only reason this alliance even exists is _because_ I care. Because I care about my people trapped inside that mountain. Because I care about the injustice Mount Weather has done to all of us.”

 

Clarke’s voice had grown a little louder with every word leaving her lips and was standing there, chin pushed forward, eyes narrowed with determination and fixed on the Commander.

 

Her eyes seemed almost black as she was staring back at Clarke and where the blonde expected to see anger and outrage she found only a storm she didn’t know how to read. Lexa’s features had softened, her lips slightly parted and the breath that left them was shaky.

 

The blonde’s aggression faded and her muscles unclenched at the sight. She seemed different somehow, less superior and more vulnerable. She had seen her like that before, just hours ago when Gustus had taken his last breath.

 

Lexa turned her head to avoid her searching blue eyes and looked into the distance where the orange dots of the camp fires painted the location of Ton DC against the darkness of the night.

 

A moment of silence followed in which the blonde could see the struggle even on her face and the way her breathing was heaving her chest heavily.

 

“How do you do that? How do you just turn your back on everything that matters, on everyone you care about?”, the blonde asked, softer now and watched Lexa closely for any kind of tell from her body she had learned, would say her more than her words but except for breathing, the Commander didn’t move. She stayed silent for a moment longer and then turned to look at her.

 

Her eyes met Clarke’s in a way that sent a shiver down the blonde’s spine. “Not everyone.”

 

The Commander held her gaze until the full meaning of her words hit Clarke like one ran into a glass door – unexpected and without the chance to protect herself. Her jaw dropped slightly and her eyes were searching in Lexa’s and she felt like she was drowning in them.

 

There were no walls, nothing to guard what their depth held and it took the blonde’s breath away.

 

Never had she been look at the way the leader of the grounders was looking at her now, as if she was looking right into her soul and all its dark corners - behind every door locking away what Clarke couldn’t stand knowing every waking second – and wasn’t afraid of what she saw. She didn’t look at her in the judging kind of way her mother did or the suffocating longing dependency she’d seen in Finn’s eyes.

 

She looked at her and there were no expectations, just admiration and it made Clarke’s throat dry and her heart pound three times as fast as it had just seconds ago.

 

Lexa dropped her eyes to the ground and lingered for a moment longer while the blonde just stood there utterly confused. She wanted to say something but none of the words that rolled onto her tongue would make it past her lips.

 

“We need to rest.”, Lexa said quietly and without looking at her again, she left her standing at the edge and disappeared into the darkness, her footsteps echoing slightly as she entered the cave.

 

Clarke stared after her and even her mind refused to function properly. It only threw Lexa’s last words around her head, bouncing it off her skull and echoing the sound of her voice.

 

Not everyone. She hadn't left _her_ behind.

 


	12. Chapter 12

The fire crackled continuously without a noticeable rhythm and had heated up the air around it to a comfortable level. Lying on her side, the balled scarf serving as a pillow, Clarke was staring into the dancing flames.

 

She didn’t know how much time had passed since they had arrived at their hide-out but it felt like days. Patience had never been one of her strengths, especially when the waiting stretched over hours with no end in sight and her head was too full, too loud to escape.

 

Her thoughts were torn between the worry for the people in Ton DC, for Bellamy inside Mount Weather and that moment out on the plateau when Lexa had suddenly been so much more than the leader of the tree people.

 

The blonde’s eyes found her silhouette in the dark and though the rhythm of her breathing was steady, Clarke somehow knew she, too, couldn’t find any sleep tonight. She wondered what occupied her mind. Was she thinking about her people? Worrying even? Was she slaying the demons of her past and if so, what shapes did they have? Did she regret letting her guard down and the blonde know that she meant more to her than just the alliance - that she _cared_ about her?

 

Clarke felt a tingling sensation in the pit of her stomach at the thought. Exhaling heavily she turned onto her back and put her arm under her head staring up into nothing but darkness and decided she didn’t want to think about whatever was happening between them or how her body seemed to always acknowledge Lexa’s presence in ways she had never experienced before. At least not now when so many lives were depending on her.

 

Her mind wandered back to her people in Ton DC and she thought about her mother. Their relationship wasn’t the best right now or been since her father had been floated, but she was still her mother and she remembered exactly what it had felt like when she’d thought she’d lost her just days ago. She couldn’t lose her, too, no matter how angry she was at her.

 

Another thought struck her then, causing her heart to skip a beat. They were counting on the Mountain Men to think they were dead, but what about those who’d survive?

 

“What happens when your people think you’re dead?”, Clarke spoke her thoughts out loud and sat up to look at the brunette.

 

The only answer was the sizzling of the fire and another cry from an owl somewhere outside in a tree and Clarke wondered if she’d been wrong to think the Commander was still awake. A moment later her voice carried calmly through the air and quietly enough not to echo inside the cave.

 

“They won’t.”, she stated simply.

 

Clarke frowned and waited but Lexa didn’t seem to feel the need to elaborate.

 

“How can you be so sure about that?”, she inquired, her eyes fixed on the shape of the Commander’s body and couldn’t help but notice the curvy line from her shoulder to her hips the light of the fire illuminated against the blackness of the night. Her armor usually hid the outline of her body so well, she seemed to be one with everything that covered her skin and made her appear much bigger than she actually was.

 

A few moments of silence passed before the brunette rolled onto her back, but fixed her eyes to the ceiling. Clarke was staring at her back, waiting for an answer.

 

“Because the Commander’s spirit won’t be free to choose a successor.”, Lexa added and her voice carried a strange undertone that sounded almost longing.

 

“Spirit?”, Clarke repeated thinking she had misunderstood and stared at Lexa with her mouth slightly open.

 

She had never really learned how the grounders chose their leaders but somehow she had imagined some kind of a test to prove their abilities and strength, something a little more sophisticated.

 

“You mean…reincarnation?”, she asked and couldn’t keep her disbelief from giving her voice a high-pitched note that caused the Commander to look at her.

  
She didn’t see much of her face in the dim light but what she saw of it looked as perplexed as she felt.

 

“Yes?”, Lexa replied and seemed irritated about Clarke’s confusion. “Why? How are your leaders chosen?”

 

The blonde breathed a laugh and shook her head. “Nevermind.”, she told her and rubbed her eyes and then she remembered how Finn’s body had to be burned with the bodies of the people whose lives he had ended and it didn’t seem so farfetched anymore that, in a world were only the strongest had survived, they would believe in some sort of higher power. The grounders didn’t have technology or science but had to rely mostly on earth to provide them with what they needed.

 

“Do you find our ways entertaining?”, Lexa commented and a sharp undertone was resonating in her words as she sat up and stared at the blonde.

 

“What? No, no, I…”, Clarke stammered instinctively. Somehow when the Commander in Lexa spoke to her like that, Clarke felt like she had just said the worst thing possible and caused a wave of panic to wash over her.

 

She took a deep breath and met her eyes, completely back against the darkness with the reflection of the fire dancing in them.

 

“I respect your ways. I might not agree with them all the time but I do respect them.”, she told her and she didn’t need much effort to keep her voice steady and sincere since her words were true.

 

She couldn’t really judge anything the Commander did or ordered or what the grounders believed in. She and her people hadn’t been on the ground the past centuries and when she remembered her expectations of earth, her ideals the moment she had stepped out of the drop ship and how much had changed since then – all the things she’d done she thought she would never even consider doing – she simply had no right to judge just because she had been raised under different circumstances.

 

Lexa stared at her for a moment and caused Clarke to shiver under the intensity of her eyes before she released her with a half nod and her eyes dropped to look into the fire that was slowly dying in between them.

“I know how we live must seem harsh to you.”, Lexa said quietly. “But we only do what we need to do to survive. Life has always equaled war and you cannot win a war without the battle.”

 

Clarke knew it was once again passed on wisdom of the grounders, she could tell by the way she quoted that she did. Her a voice seemed strangely distant like someone else was saying it through her. But this time it carried a defeated undertone, almost as if she had come to learn those words were true by experience and she wished there was another way.

 

The sadness reached into her features, softening them and for a moment the Commander seemed lost inside her head and Clarke wondered what memories were haunting her in this very second.

 

“Maybe we have a chance to end this war once and for all.”, Clarke offered a flicker of hope to the brunette she herself just needed to believe in. She couldn’t go on living like this for the rest of her life.

 

Lexa looked up and into her eyes again but she didn’t answer, not with her voice nor her body.

 

“I will get more fire wood.”, she said instead, a determination resonating in her voice that seemed strangely misplaced but Clarke understood, she couldn’t allow hope to spark in her heart after a life of war and the choices she had to make as the leader of her people.

 

She got up and was quickly swallowed by the darkness. Clarke looked after her and felt Lexa’s sadness wrap around her own heart. She took a deep breath and shifted to lean against the cave wall with her back, pulling her knees to her chest and stared into the glowing amber within the stone circle.

 

She tried imagining the ground in peace but it just seemed too abstract. Since their first day on earth, life had been constant struggle to survive and though Clarke was hoping for the war to end, she just couldn’t picture life on earth as the dream it once had been anymore.

 

The amber was slowly dying, allowing the darkness to reclaim the cave inch by inch while Clarke waited and felt her eyelids grow heavier. She leaned her head back against the wall and let them fall shut, feeling sleep tug on her conciseness and slowly take her away.

 

A ball of colorful lights was just unfolding into a dream behind her eyelids when a bang in the distance ripped through the air and reached her ears in waves. Her eyes opened instantly as the earth began to shake. Small stone chippings fell from the ceiling and the noise of their impact with the ground echoed in the cave.

 

Clarke jumped to her feet, feeling the earth move beneath her but she didn’t care. All she cared about was her people and it didn’t matter that she couldn’t do anything from here, but she needed to see with her own eyes the damage the missile had caused.

 

The earth trembled even more when she took her first step and made it hard for her to keep her balance while it cracked the walls of the cave. Rocks the size of her hand were falling to the ground and rolling towards the entrance.

 

A few feet were separating her from the outside when she heard the stone break above her. She couldn’t help but look up and though it was too dark to see anything, she could feel it when the ceiling collapsed and rained down in rocks of all sizes.

 

A sharp burning pain shot through her head and down her body like lightning. Clarke felt her knees give in to the sound of stone meeting stone and then her mind was lost in oblivion, her ears deaf to the desperate scream that carried her name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for a rather short one this time but it felt like a good point to break for a new one :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for the lack of updates over such a long period of time, especially after I ended on a cliffhanger. This was not my intention but I hit a point in this story where I could see what is going to happen clearly in my head but was unable to write it down in a way that felt satisfying enough. I’ve rewritten this chapter so many times and this is usually the part where I give up but I still have so many ideas for it that I just couldn’t. So - even though one is not supposed to say that and radiate confidence as I read a few days ago - I am not entirely happy with this chapter but I have decided to post it nonetheless to be able to move forward and hopefully my ability to write down what my head thinks of will collaborate more smoothly again now. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and if you have any kind of feedback, positive or otherwise, feel free to let me know.

The night sky was clear, allowing her an unobstructed view at the stars and the constellations she had learned to spot in the beautiful mess of a million dots of lights. The air had cooled down and was soothing against the hot skin of her flushed cheeks.

 

With her head put back, Lexa closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath but it didn’t calm her hectic heart or the storm surrounding it. Every time she thought of reentering the cave with the variety of twigs and branches resting in the ring she’d formed with her arms, her heart would pick up its pace just a little more so she could feel every beat in her throat, making it dry, almost sore.

 

She swallowed in a feeble attempt to get rid of the feeling but knew it wouldn’t have the desired effect. The lump in her throat, the tightness in her chest stretching through her veins, feeling as if a million ants were loose inside of her, were her feelings that had grown too many, too strong. Thanks to Clarke, now they didn’t fit into the dungeon she’d collected all of them those past years to be free and safe and able to lead her people wisely, anymore.

 

Lexa opened her eyes again and looked at the darkness that stretched out before her. Staring at the tiny glowing dots in the distance giving away Ton DC even at night, she felt herself getting lost in her longing and allowed her mind a moment to dream.

 

Dream of a future where the Mountain had fallen and her people returned safely, where war was only a memory fading with time.

 

The Commander shook her head to erase the images forming in her head. She hadn’t dared to daydream since death had become a steady companion in her life. What was it about her that she managed to shake everything Lexa had known, every truth life itself had taught her? How did Clarke just look at her and make her forget, even for just a moment, she was the leader of her people first?

 

What was it about this stubborn woman with her foolish ideals and naïve hopes that spoke right to her heart, ignoring every warning of her head?

 

She was so lost in her head, she only saw the ball of fire in the distance when the missile’s impact shook the earth and its echo reached her ears with painful pressure.

 

Her jaw dropped and the wind carried several screams from Ton DC to the plateau. Her heart was aching for the lives that were just lost.

 

“Yu gonplei ste odon.”, she told the night, her voice barely more than a whisper and shaking with grief. She felt her eyes burn with the tears that welled up and swallowed hard to keep them there. Beneath her feet the ground was still shaking. She heard the sound of falling rocks behind her and spun around just in time to see the entrance of the cave collapse.

 

The fire wood fell from her arms when her body went momentarily limp with shock and she heard herself scream before she even realized the thought had entered her mind.

 

“Clarke!”

 

The name echoed into the night and for a second it drowned out the crashing sound of the rocks.

 

Lexa regained control over her body and charged forward. “Clarke!”, she screamed her name again hoping desperately for an answer. Her heart was pounding so painfully fast, she could hardly breathe.

 

When she reached the barricaded entrance her panic just kept growing. She couldn’t tell how much of the ceiling had collapsed and tried digging her way inside by throwing every loose stone her hands could find behind her but only small ones would move, leaving gaps too little for even her arm to fit through.

 

“Clarke!”, she yelled again, her voice echoing all around her. “Clarke, can you hear me?”

 

She froze and held her breath, every fiber of her body alert but the only sound that reached her ears came from the distance.

 

“Clarke?”, she called her name once more but her voice wasn’t as strong anymore and left her lips suffocated by despair. Only the faint screams from within Ton DC answered.

 

Lexa looked back over her shoulder where smoke against the dawning sky was like a landmark for her eyes. She knew she couldn’t do anything for her people right now and no matter how much she wanted to be the leader they now needed desperately, to be their voice and strength, their rage seeking vengeance – if she went back now, those who had died would’ve died in vain.

 

The Commander had been raised knowing that sacrifices had to be made for the greater good, had been taught to make those choices not with her heart but with her head. What no one had prepared her for was the guilt that would settle within and stay with her from that moment on. She could feel it wrap around her heart as she stared at the flames eating through Ton DC.

 

She couldn’t do anything for those people, no matter how much she cared. Lexa averted her eyes. It was too painful to overlook the disaster she allowed to happen.

 

She stared at the rocks building a solid wall between the inside of the cave and her, turning it into a prison. Lexa gritted her teeth. She couldn’t do anything for her people, but she wouldn’t be defeated a pile of rocks.

 

Behind the mountain the sun was peeking over the horizon, showing the outline of Lexa’s surroundings as the night paled away. She spotted a thick branch on the ground the length of her arm and with it, she climbed back to the top, using it to loosen the stones.

  
As the sun rose steadily, bathing the mountain top in a golden light, the chirping of birds in the tree tops added to the sound of rolling and bouncing rocks as Lexa dug her way through the collapsed ceiling.

 

She was covered in sweat and her strength slowly fading when the rock she was trying to loosen suddenly fell back into the cave, creating an opening big enough for her to fit through. Lexa’s heart thumped hard in her chest when she looked at the black hole. For a second, excitement vibrated through her body and a small smile of relief tug on her lips that fell off the next instant.

 

The suffocating feeling of fear overwhelmed her and kept her rooted to the spot. A million images of the inside of the cave flashed before her eyes, one as horrible as the next. Lexa bit down her lip as too many feelings washed over her now. Feelings she had been trying to deny and shake, feelings she didn’t know how to deal with and that allowed the paralyzing panic of grief into her chest.

 

She bit down so hard, the iron taste of blood tingled on the tip of her tongue. The pulsating pain in her lower lip was like an anchor for her to focus.

 

Clenching her jaw, Lexa leaned forward and into the hole. At first, everything was pitch black. Frantically she looked around but her eyes needed a moment to adjust to the little sunlight the cracks in the still intact part of the cave allowed inside.

 

Slowly she could make out the outlines of rocks scattered all across the ground, reaching deep into the cave and finally – her heart either stopped beating or pounded so fast she couldn’t feel it anymore – her eyes found a limp body in between.

 

“Clarke.”, she wanted to shout but her voice failed her and the blonde’s name left her lips in nothing more than a whisper.

 

Crawling through the hole, Lexa stumbled down the piles of rocks and hurried towards the motionless body. She fell to her knees beside her. Her face was hidden behind a curtain of blonde curls. The Commander reached out to brush them softly away and a gasp of terror caught in her throat.

 

Half of Clarke’s face was painted deep red with her own blood and more kept trickling from a large and deep cut reaching from her forehead well into her hairline, turning the golden color of her hair a crimson red.

 

Panic and devastation were wrapping around Lexa’s heart and shook her hand as she reached for Clarke’s neck. She held her breath when she pressed her index and middle finger against Clarke’s skin and it felt like her own heart had stopped beating waiting for hers. Time seemed to stand still. No sound, no smell – nothing but the sensation of Clarke’s soft skin and the growing panic inside the Commander’s chest tensing her muscles to the point, where every single one was throbbing painfully.

 

“Beja.”, she pleaded quietly and closed her eyes.

 

And then there it was, a soft pulsation against her fingertips. It was weak but it was there. Relief flooded her veins and she exhaled all the tension that had held her body captive and without it, she slumped down. Catching herself with her other hand she panted, the chaos of relief and painful awareness that her heart was lost, making it hard for her to breathe.

 

The sound of falling rocks meeting the ground pulled her eyes up and she could watch two the size of her hand rolling their way. She looked to the ceiling where a new crack allowed more sunlight to flood the space and was once more surrounded by silence.

 

A silence so thick, it might as well have yelled at her to run. She could feel the adrenaline rush through her, alert every inch of her body. Without wasting another thought, she grabbed Clarke under her armpits and dragged her to the barrier the caved ceiling had put between them and the outside.

 

Everything around her started to vibrate and more rocks came falling down. The Commander sat the blonde up against the cave wall before she grabbed her arm and hoisted her over her shoulder. She stumbled back under the one-sided weight of the limp body but caught herself the next instant using the wall for support.

 

Lexa panted as she began to climb back up towards the hole she’d entered through. Her muscles were aching, her legs threatening to give in. It wasn’t Clarke’s weight but the strain of the past days that got to her and the shifting of the rocks as the cave continued to vibrate didn’t help.

 

A cry of effort left her throat through gritted teeth and echoed with the falling rocks inside the cave. Only a few feet were between them and the safety of the outside. Holding on to Clarke’s limp body hanging over her shoulder, she could already feel the sunlight on her hand when her foot lost its grip and she slipped, hitting her chin painfully hard on a sharp rock beneath her.

 

A pulsating pain radiated from her jaw through her head and she could feel blood run down her neck. The pain was making her dizzy and disorientated and when she picked herself up again, everything around her was nothing more than a blur of colors and light.

 

Lexa could feel a light soundlessness tug on her consciousness, blinding her to the world, numbing her pain and felt herself wanting to give into it. It was so easy, all she had to do was let go and surrender. She wasn’t afraid to die. Her people would be taken care of by the Commander’s spirit that would move on to the next one in line and she, Lexa, would finally find peace.

 

The echoing sound of falling rocks, the feeling of her own blood trickling down her neck and chest, the sharp edges of stone pressing into her flesh – Lexa took no notice of any of it but the weight and warmth of the body hers was carrying and it pulled against the tempting lightness of giving up.

 

Summoning the last bit of strength left in her muscles, Lexa dragged herself and Clarke towards the warm sunlight. She didn’t feel the earth shaking or the cuts and bruises the rocks left on her body on her way to the hole. Barely conscious, the world nothing but a jumble of lights, she crawled through and pulled Clarke after her by her wrists, using her own weight against the blonde’s.

 

When Lexa finally collapsed, it was before the rest of the ceiling caved, filling what once had been her safe haven with rocks, burying the whispers of faint memories.

 

* * *

 

 

Beja – Please


	14. Chapter 14

_Polis, though its streets were seamed with hundreds of people, was so quiet, Lexa could hear the horse’s footfalls echo in between the row of houses and what people used to call skyscrapers. The glass that would have reflected the burning sunset long ago had shattered and crumbled along with most of humanity and life itself, leaving gaping black holes to swallow the light in the facades of those grey, towering buildings._

_They reminded of a kind of life the nine-year-old girl with wild curls had only heard stories about and a hard time imagining as she looked up at them, eyes as emerald and deep as the lake by the snow-covered mountains._

_Her lips were parted in amazement, her cheeks flushed as her little hand held on to the side of the carriage transporting her into the Capital. Lexa sat at the edge of her seat, her muscles tense as she took it all in. They had told her about Polis and in their stories it had sounded so very different than what she knew – grand and mystical and full of life._

_And for Lexa it was. Despite the heavy silence hanging over the crowd and the desperation and mourning visible in the features left and right, in the nine-year olds mind, she was on an adventure. After all, their journey to the capital wasn’t about her, but her sister who had been training since the day she could hold a sword, for exactly this day._

_The day she would be chosen to lead her people and watch over them, to ensure their safety as well as their well-being by all means necessary._

_She turned her curly brown head to look back at her older sister standing on the back of the carriage, her head held high and eyes staring straight ahead. In the light of the setting sun and torches left and right of the street leading their way to the palace, the people of Polis only saw what their new Commander wanted them to see: her strength, determination and foresight._

_What no one else but Lexa saw, how her sister’s knuckles had turned white under her hard grip to the seat irons._

_For a moment, her excitement gave away to empathy and concern. She had watched her sister push her body to every limit it held and beyond, had watched her doubt herself and her capabilities and work through them, had admired her for her strength and skills._

_But she had also been woken by the sound of a troubled soul’s pacing footsteps and heard the cries of frustration and pain from the training grounds, had seen the tears that had spilled when she’d thought herself alone._

_Though only nine years old and her head in the clouds most of the time, as everyone in their village liked to frequently describe Lexa, she was very perceptive and connected with her sister in a way that didn’t need words – something the Commander to be had appreciated as much as it had given her support. Despite what she would say, deep down, Lexa’s sister was afraid and carried as much doubt in her heart as there was courage._

_Lexa covered one of her sister’s hands with her own and felt her skin ice-cold against her palm. For a brief moment dark eyes met her own and just as briefly there was the terror she was trying to contain on the inside visible in them._

_Her sister forced the hint of a smile that curled the corner of her mouth before she turned back to staring at the palace beginning to show at the end of the street._

_Lexa pulled her hand back and kept her eyes on her sister for a bit longer, trying to imagine what it felt like to be in her place and a light chuckled escaped her throat that earned her disapproving looks from the driver of the carriage as well as Indra who was sitting right next to her. Sheepishly Lexa tilted her head and shrugged before she turned and went back to staring at her surroundings in amazement._

_Heda Lexa. The absurdity of the thought put a smile on her lips and she shook her head as she dismissed it, her wild brown curls bouncing around her freckled face._

 

* * *

 

 

The meadow combined at least fifteen shades of green and half of them Clarke had never seen before. The yellow and orange of the flowers in full bloom scattered all over it where more brilliant than she’d ever seen in any painting.

 

Clarke felt herself smiling and the need to run through it and her hands over the tips of the grass and though she didn’t move a muscle, she could feel a tingling against her palms and a soft breeze run through her hair. The sun was high up in the sky and as she looked up, it was so bright, she saw nothing but whiteness. She wanted to protect her eyes but her arms didn’t obey. She tried looking away but her muscles didn’t respond.

 

Clarke tried to close her eyes but only managed her eyelids to flutter and gradually the world around her changed. The air turned from warm and light to cold and damp, the lightness turned into a heaviness making itself at home in her muscles and bones and impossible for her to move except for her eyelids that kept fluttering against the blinding brightness.

 

Slowly sounds made their way to her. There was a crackling and a melody of some sort. The scent of pine and resin reach through the brightness accompanied by the thick smell of –

-       Smoke!

 

It all came back to her in a single second, breaking over her like a tidal wave and just as well, Clarke found herself gasping for air as her eyes finally opened fully to the sight of a bright blue sky behind tree tops.

 

Her body moved on instinct as she sat up, but was pulled back down by a blinding pain that shot through her forehead the moment she moved.

 

Clarke unconsciously touched her head where the pain radiated from and felt a slimy substance. As she retreated her hand to look at it, she found her fingertips covered in a dark grey, almost black matter that glistened in the sunlight.

 

She frowned and noticed movement opposite her. Her focus shifted and looking past her fingertips, she found green eyes watching her in a very unfamiliar manner.

 

There was a kindness to Lexa’s gaze she hadn’t thought her capable of and what was more, she didn’t try to hide the concern making her eyes look even softer. It was so different than what Clarke was used to from the Commander, she momentarily forgot about what had woken her so ruggedly from the bliss of unconsciousness.

 

“How are you feeling, Clarke?”, Lexa asked kindly.

 

A piercing pain settled inside her head and made her feel nauseous as her eyes wandered from her blackened fingertips to Lexa and back, the memories of how she came to be unconscious slowly returning.

 

“Like I was hit over the head by a goddamn cave.”, she groaned and absentmindedly touched her wound again and again was irritated by the slimy substance her fingertips met.

 

Clarke look around, her eyes searching for the cave she now imagined as a large pile of rocks but found herself amidst nothing but trees.

 

“Where are we?”, she spoke her wondering thoughts out loud. She didn’t recognize this part of the woods at all. Then again, they had walked quite the distance to the cave in a direction she hadn’t really been before.

 

Lexa nodded in Clarke’s direction. “Ton DC is that way about half a day’s walk.”

 

Automatically Clarke turned her head and another wave of searing pain shot through her head, causing her wound to pulsate. She winced and squinted her eyes.

 

“You should rest.”, Lexa told her softly and when Clarke turned back to look at her, concern had narrowed her eyebrows and thinned her lips. “You’ve been hurt badly.”

 

Clarke felt her insides clench in rebellion against the Commander’s words like they always did when she was told what to do. She’d already opened her mouth and taken a deep breath to protest but closed it again without saying a word.

 

Something in the way Lexa’s green eyes met her own felt so tormented and changed the meaning of her words from the before heard command to a request. The way she was looking at her wasn’t the familiar superior and challenging kind of way. It was unusual for the Commander, so contradicting, yet Clarke had seen it once before out on the plateau.

 

“I had feared you had lost your life.”, Lexa spoke instead, her voice husky.

 

She cared, Clarke allowed the thought into her consciousness. She really did care. About her. Not about the alliance. Not about politics. About her.

 

She felt her cheeks flush. Lexa’s eyes were so deep, so gentle, they were threatening to drown her in a fantasy she couldn’t lose herself in. Not now – not yet.

 

Clarke dropped her eyes, staring at the ground as if it could tell her what to do or say.

 

And like it did when her heart was lost in confusion, her head reminded her why she was here – in the middle of the forest, half a day’s walk away from her friends, her family, her people – in the first place.

 

“The missile”, Clarke whispered and looked back at Lexa.

 

It was Lexa’s turn to look at the ground but her tensing jaw and the heavy breath that heaved her chest were answer enough.

 

Clarke felt her eyes burn as the tears shot into them and she couldn’t keep them from spilling, running down her nose to drip from its tip, disappearing in the earth.

 

Guilt was wrapping around her insides, making it hard for her to breathe while it nurtured a part of her, Clarke hadn’t known until she’d set foot on earth: vengeance.

 

“We have to go back.”, she said, gritting her teeth to keep herself from sobbing and tried pushing herself up, the pulsing pain in her forehead only fueling her anger and determination but also blurring her vision and making her sway.

 

“Clarke.”, she heard the Commander say her name and felt herself being pushed back to the ground. It took a moment for the pain to die down enough that her vision could recover. Lexa came into focus right in front of her, so close she could feel her warm breath meet her face. Her hands rested on Clarke’s shoulders, keeping her down with gentle pressure.

 

“There is nothing you can do for them now except make it worse.” The Commander pulled back her hands. “We have been the target and if the Mountain learns their missile hasn’t met that target, they will strike again only causing more damage, more death.”

 

Clarke wanted to object, wanted to tell her that her people needed her, that she couldn’t just sit here and do nothing when she could at least care for the wounded back in Ton DC – but as strong as her mind, as weak was her body. She felt dizzy and her mouth was suddenly too dry to speak.

 

“You need to rest, Clarke.”, Lexa told her softly and her voice guided her head back to the soft, damp ground and her mind into unconsciousness.

 

This time, Clarke wasn’t alone on the meadow. She could hear laughter behind her and it sounded like a song, its melody reaching into her chest and filling her with warmth and content. And though she had never heard her laugh and a part of her knew she was dreaming, Clarke knew when her dream-self turned around, she would see Lexa.

 

It was her imagination, her fantasy and yet, it still took her breath away to see the Commander stripped of her clothes of superiority and defense but in a cream-colored dress and hair framing her face with wild curls, her rosy lips wearing a carefree smile that reached into her green eyes glistening in the warm sunlight.

 

Clarke felt her heart skip a beat and the desire to feel Lexa close, the smile against her lips and curls tangled between her fingers, feel Lexa’s laughter against her neck, her skin against her own.

 

But on earth, even her fantasy wasn’t safe and just when she was about to let down her guard and give in to her desire, a loud bang ripped rough the air and the dream away from her.

 

Clarke jerked awake and opened her eyes to the night. Panting, she could feel her heart thump hard in her chest and herself shake with panic.

 

“It’s okay”, she heard a voice to her right say gently. “You’re safe.”

 

A small fire was crackling between them, bathing Lexa’s face in a warm light. Her eyes looked strangely dark from the distance, almost black, but the softness they had had the last time Clarke had looked into them was still there, reassuringly looking back at her.

 

Another loud cracking sound made Clarke jump. A cloud of ember rose from the small camp fire where a branch had just lost its battle against the flames.

 

She took a deep breath, trying to calm down her heart and felt a throbbing return to her forehead. Reaching for her wound, she touched something wet and first thought it was her own blood, but then realized it was cold and had a slimy texture she remembered.

 

“What’s this anyway?”, she mumbled and rubbed her fingertips together, trying to figure it out herself.

 

“Bear feces.”, Lexa answered just when Clarke was about to smell the substance. Her eyes widened and she screwed up her face.

 

“What?”, Clarke said, a mixture of shock and disgust causing her voice to sound high pitched and hoarse.

 

She stared at Lexa in disbelief and it took her a few moments to see the amusement twitching in the corner of Lexa’s mouth.

 

A joke, Clarke realized and was so surprised by it that she couldn’t help but snort.

 

“Well done, Commander.”, she chuckled and winced the next instant as another shooting pain radiated from her wound through her head. Clarke shifted and leaned with her back against the nearest tree, wiping the slimy substance off on her pants.

 

“It’s an old remedy that has proven to be very effective with all kinds of injuries.”, Lexa answered the question, still the hint of a smile on her lips.

 

Clarke inspected the substance, trying to figure out what it combined. “How do you know how to make this?”, she asked.

 

For a few moments there was only silence. “Why wouldn’t I?”, she retorted. “The sky people are not the only ones capable of taking care of their own.”

 

Clarke was surprised by the bitter aggressiveness resonating in her voice and momentarily taken aback.

 

She opened her mouth to clarify her question, but Lexa cut her off before just one word could leave her lips.

 

“You came down to earth, afraid your first breath would be fatal. My people have survived on this planet when yours cowardly escaped, relying on technology to keep you alive. We might not have engineers but our warriors and experience have ensured our survival on this planet for centuries while you did nothing but sit it out up there.”

 

The softness that had been present in Lexa’s features since the collapse disappeared and in its place, the very familiar determination and pride made her, once again, seem cold and aloof.

 

Clarke frowned at her words. “Lexa, we –“, she began but didn’t really know what to say. She hadn’t realized until this very moment the grounders thought of it that way – considered her and her people cowards for surviving in a different way than they had. Though if she was being honest, she did know why Lexa would think they were looking down on them. Because secretly and maybe sometimes not so secretly, they did feel superior, more sophisticated when confronted with the way grounders had survived all those years. She could see it in her people’s eyes, could read it in their faces, though she did not share that perspective.

 

Clarke took a deep breath as she held Lexa’s gaze. “I am no better than you. My people are no better than yours. We are all human and we have done what we could with what we had to survive. There is no better or worse, there is just surviving and that we all have in common.”

 

For a moment Lexa sat perfectly still, her eyes fixed on Clarke as if she was trying to figure out whether Clarke’s words were the truth just another thing said to smooth things over with the Commander. Eventually she nodded, apparently deciding she believed her.

 

The crackling of the fire and the distant call from an owl were the only sounds breaking the silence. Clarke dropped her eyes to stare at the dancing flames, their soft motions as they slowly turned the branches and twigs to ashes was soothing.

A few minutes passed in which Clarke kept trying to figure out why the Commander of all people would have the knowledge of a healer. She had a few guesses but none really satisfied her curiosity. She found herself strangely drawn to the grounder’s way of living. It seemed strange a lot of times because it was almost the opposite to the way she had been raised and what she had been taught but the fact the grounders were this strong and capable, had survived on Earth when her own people had sent her down here to die, told its own tale.

 

“What I meant”, Clarke broke the silence and looked back at Lexa whose eyes were fixed on the fire, reflecting the golden flames in a strange way, like it was inside her head rather than a mirror of what was in front of her.

 

Clarke waited a moment for any kind of reaction from the Commander but her opposite stayed motionless.

 

Taking a deep breath and thinking on how to phrase her thoughts not to offend Lexa this time she went on “is it part of – erm a Commander’s… training to learn how to tend to the wounded?”

 

As Clarke spoke she felt her cheeks flush realizing she still knew so little about how the grounders lived except that it differed greatly in a lot of ways and it made her feel stupid and small asking so clumsily.

 

Maybe it was the question or the way Clarke had hesitated midsentence or the fact she now held her breath, waiting – but something had caused Lexa to draw her eyes away from the flames and meet hers.

 

A hint of a smile twitched in the corner of her mouth and while it was created by amusement at first, a sadness quickly mixed into it and took it away again.

 

“The Commander is chosen, not born.”, she said quietly. “Until then, they are no different from the rest.”

 

There was something about the way she said it, like she was talking about others but not herself, that caught Clarke’s attention.

 

“We are all trained the same, we all learn the same, we all live the same. Some will prove to be gifted, but most will become versatile warriors, able to take care of themselves and others, knowing they are a part of a whole and live – and die – to protect it.”, Lexa’s voice was not the voice of the Commander now. Clarke just got another glimpse of the woman under all that armor and responsibility. The one who didn’t want to make the choices a leader had to make, the woman who didn’t want to sacrifice and live with that blood on her hands. The woman who would rather care for and heal people than slaughter them.

 

* * *

 

 

_The forecourt of the palace was lit by torches. Right and left lead a sea of people the way into the first chamber, their heads bowed in mourning and awe._

_Two guards lead their way. Lexa had a hard time to keep up with Indra and her sister along with two more warriors. She was too mesmerized by how big everything in Polis was._

_The windows of the palace had been closed by thousands of tiny pieces of colorful glass, carefully assembled to write in Trigadesleng words of protection and honor. They reflected the flames beautifully and took Lexa’s breath away._

_She followed her sister with her mouth open in awe. The fact that she would enter the chamber where their fallen Commander was laid out didn’t enter her mind until the darkness of the room took all of Polis’ beauty away._

_She felt herself shiver, every single of her footsteps bounced loudly off the walls. While Polis seemed incredibly large – larger than she had ever imagined – the small chamber made her feel much smaller than the ruins of skyscrapers and thousands of people ever could._

_Her breathing became shallow as her eyes jumped all over the room. There was a single torch on the opposite wall, illuminating the silhouette of a large stack of wood and the body that rested upon it._

_Lexa swallowed hard. It wasn’t the first time she had come face to face with death but it wasn’t something she ever thought she would get used to._

_She half hid behind her sister as she stopped along with her companions. A hooded figure stepped out of the shadows to their right._

_“Anya of the tree people.”, a strong female voice filled the dark chamber. “The Commander’s spirit awaits your body to lead our people in times of war and peace, to lead them selfless and just.”_

_Lexa stared at the hooded figure as her words lingered in the air. She could hear her sister draw a shaky breath in front of her and saw her hand tremble in the corner of her mouth but when she looked at it, she had clenched it to a steady fist._

_She felt for her sister. Her life had never been her own. Every day she had trained to be a leader for her people, to be able to make the right decisions for everyone – everyone but herself and no one but her little sister by her side._

_Lexa had seen her struggle so many times and pick herself up again and again. She had often wondered if this truly was, what becoming the Commander was supposed to be like. Was it really supposed to be a burden more than anything else? Were you really supposed to just forget that you were human, too?_

_“May you lead our people to freedom after all those years. May you be the beginning of a new area.”, the hooded figure said as she stepped to the torch and took it off the wall._

_In front of Lexa her sister’s body tensed and she held her breath as the wood beneath the body was lit on fire. Within seconds the stack was ablaze. Lexa realized that above the body must be some sort of window or hatch because the flames reached past where her eyes spotted a ceiling above her._

_Still, the small room was filling with smoke, though it was not the ordinary dark kind of smoke. With wide eyes she followed the snakelike motions of crimson smoke billowing through the room like it was searching for something and as it passed the warrior to their left, he sunk to his knees and collapse on the ground._

_Lexa gasped and was just about to jump to his side when to their right, Indra collapsed as well. Panicking, she stared at the crimson smoke now making its way to her sister who stood stiffly like a statue and held her breath. She was momentarily swallowed by a cloud of red as it wafted through her. When it left her, Anya, too, fell quietly to the ground._

_“Anya!”, Lexa cried out and fell to her knees at her sister’s side, hardly noticing as the smoke surrounded her. She put her head to her limp sister’s chest and listened but her own heart was raced by fear making it impossible to hear another sound._

_“Don’t be dead.”, she pleaded in a whisper and felt her eyes fill with tears. “Please, don’t be dead.” She clutched her sister’s robes and tried shaking her but her limp body was heavier than what her own panic-stricken one could move._

_Heavy tears left wet tracks down her cheeks when a voice reached her as if from far away._

_“Don’t worry, little one.”, it said caringly and pulled Lexa’s eyes up to see the hooded figure blurry through a curtain of tears standing over them._

_With her arm, Lexa wiped away the tears as the figure lowered her hood, revealing a black-haired woman and though her olive skin carried the signs of centuries lived, her amber eyes were alive and sharp and looked down at them kindly._

_“She is not dead.”, she told her “Just not worthy”_

_Lexa’s tears stopped coming. Confused she looked at her sister and back at the woman._

_“What…what does that mean?”, she asked._

_“Lexa, is it?”, the woman asked and held out a hand. Lexa nodded and reluctantly took the offered hand and was pulled to her feet._

_“Tell me, Lexa. What did you just see?”, the woman asked bending down._

_Lexa furrowed her brows, not sure what exactly she was supposed to say. “Smoke…?”, she finally said hesitantly but more as a question than an answer._

_The older woman did not react to her answer but simply kept staring at her like she was prompting her to keep talking._

_“Red smoke.”, Lexa went on, her voice a little steadier now and she felt a little more confident under the woman’s eyes for some reason. “It…it came from there.”_

_She pointed her little finger towards the flames turning the Commander’s body to dust. “And then it came over here and then….”, her voice trailed off as she looked down at the three bodies around them._

_“They fainted.”, finished the woman for her. “This is the only thing I saw. As did they.”_

_Lexa’s eyes narrowed in confusion as she looked back to meet those amber eyes. “But…”, she began but really didn’t know what to say. So she spoke aloud the only thought her mind was able to grasp: “I…I don’t understand.”_

_The woman smiled and it made her eyes glow in a way Lexa had never seen. “Do you know what was supposed to happen here today, Lexa?”, she asked softly and crouched before her to level their eyes._

_“My sister…Anya…she was supposed to become the Commander.”, Lexa said shyly. Another smile tug on the woman’s lips._

_“Not quite. The Commander’s spirit has chosen a worthy vessel to lead our people.”_

_Lexa looked back at her sister. “Not her.”, the woman told her and when Lexa looked there was something in the way she looked at her, smiled at her, that sparked a thought that terrified her._

_Her heart started racing and her head spin. Her mouth went dry and her tongue suddenly didn’t seem to obey her anymore._

_She swallowed hard and eventually managed to stammer: “M…m…me?” On the inside Lexa hoped – begged even – the woman would burst into laughter at a foolish girl’s thought but instead her smile widened._

_“It would appear so.”, she said softly with a light nod._

_Lexa’s heart sank. She couldn’t feel her body anymore, couldn’t form one coherent thought. Her world came crashing down on her, her dreams disappeared in a single moment and nothing but darkness replaced all those futures she had imagined for herself._

_Heda Lexa. The reality hit her harder than any weapon ever would._

 


	15. Chapter 15

The night, it seemed, didn’t to want to end. The darkness keept the rest of the world hidden beyond the camp fire’s reach. 

Clarke was leaning against the trunk of a tree, arms wrapped around herself, and stared into the flames. Now and then her eyes began to wander and she found herself watching Lexa sitting opposite her, motionless, with her right hand constantly holding onto her sword. 

If Clarke didn’t see the light reflected in her eyes, she’d think her asleep, she was being that still. 

They had agreed to make their way back to Ton DC by first daylight after Lexa had told her, it had been three days since the missile hit that she had spent in and out of consciousness. 

The waiting was more painful than the throbbing of her head that, while not as splitting as it had been, was still very present and trying. It made her feel weak and her mind foggy – a feeling she hated most of all because a foggy mind tends to get lost. 

Lost in admiration. How beautiful Lexa was. How looking at her came so naturally. How she wanted to memorize every inch of her by heart.

Lost in fantasies. Where the war had been won or never even happened. Where no one had to act strong and guards, physical or emotional, were unnecessary. 

Lost in longing. Longing for a life where responsibility didn’t mean to give up everything. For a life where the hardest part was to follow your dreams - your heart. 

Lexa took a heavy breath and her moving undid the illusion of frozen time, making Clarke aware she had been staring quite a while. She felt her cheeks flush slightly and was just about to pull her eyes away when Lexa’s, turned dark by the night, met her own.

“Why are you staring at me?”, Lexa asked bluntly, suspicion flickering in her eyes. 

“I haven’t –“, Clarke spluttered but realized the next instant that lying when she had just been caught red headed, would not make things easier with the Commander. “I mean, I didn’t mean to, I just…”

Lexa’s brows furrowed as if surprised by a bewildered Clarke. The mistrust in her eyes turned to curiosity.  
“Just what?”, she inquired, leaning a little towards Clarke. 

Clarke’s mouth felt strangely dry and her thoughts didn’t want to arrange to a coherent sentence under Lexa’s questioning gaze. She felt her heart pick up its pace, sending her blood faster through her body and causing her head wound to pulsate. She couldn’t think of an explanation that would make sense and her mind didn’t really obey her thinking process so Clarke did the only thing she could.

“I…I was just wondering.”, she answered, not elaborately but truthfully.

“Wondering.”, Lexa repeated and raised an eyebrow, confusion settling in her features. “Wondering about me?”

“Sort of, yeah.”, Clarke answered after a moment’s hesitation and nodded slightly as she dropped her eyes. She could feel her cheeks flush even more and with it, frustration build inside her. She didn’t like to be flustered and hated how she couldn’t just keep her calm and stay focused around Lexa.

“And what exactly have you been wondering, Clarke?”, Lexa asked calmly, her curiosity trailing into her voice.

Clarke stared at the dark ground for a moment. What was she supposed to tell her now? That she had been wondering if those moments she had felt so close had just been in her head? Or how they had sparked a fantasy Clarke could neither control nor suffocate? How her presence made her aware of her own life, her own desires and how lonely this war made her feel? How lonely she had been feeling for longer than she was ready to admit?

“Nothing. It’s not important.”, Clarke waved aside. She didn’t want to lie. Somehow Lexa could tell when she did. Keeping her eyes on the ground, she hoped internally that the Commander would let it go and to her surprise, she did.

“If you say so.”, she retorted and pulled Clarke’s eyes back to her but Lexa had already gone back to staring into the flames. She had to be aware of her eyes, Clarke was sure of it, but she did a very good job in ignoring her, leaving her with a silence that felt too thick, too heavy, to stand for too long. 

“Why me?”, Clarke asked after a while, giving the thought that had been circling in her head, in her dreams, a voice.

Lexa seemed surprised. If it was the question itself or that Clarke had thrown overboard her not prying any further before, she couldn’t tell. But other than looking at her, she didn’t react. Maybe she didn’t know what Clarke was referring to?

“I mean –“, Clarke began but Lexa cut her off.

“I know what you mean.”, she said quietly. “Why are you asking me this now?”

Clarke opened her mouth, unsure what to respond when a loud cracking sound echoed within the depth of the forest. Both their heads shot round, eyes fixed at the blackness. Clarke felt her heart race and panic flood her veins. 

Another cracking noise, this time closer, made her jump and caused Lexa to grab a bucket of water Clarke hadn’t notice until the very moment it extinguished the camp fire. With a sharp hissing the flames died within seconds, leaving Lexa and Clarke to be swallowed by the pitch black of the night.

Clarke could still see the flames dancing against the darkness but was otherwise blind. Her wound started to feel like it was on fire thanks to her heart pounding hard and fast, increasing the blood flow to it. 

Another cracking sound broke the thick silence around them and made Clarke flinch with fear. She was trying to look at Lexa but the darkness was hiding her completely.

“Lexa.”, she whispered, her voice hardly strong enough to make any sound.

“Shh.”, came a hiss from ahead. “Wait here.”

Clarke’s heart was pounding so hard in her chest. She was sure whatever was out there could hear it. For a moment there was no other sound than her own heartbeat racing painfully against her ribcage. 

Instinctively she tried to turn towards the source of the sound but it seemed to be everywhere and echoed painfully in her head.

She pushed herself up and with her arms stretched out in front of her she stood there, head shooting around from side to side in panic and squinted her eyes in an effort to make out anything in this darkness.   
And while all the noise had been terrifying, when it stopped as suddenly as it had filled the air, the silence that hang over her now was much worse.

Fear took over, made her breathing shallow and rapid and her body tremble. It paralyzed her thoughts and all she could do was squint her eyes even harder, leaving barely a slit to actually see through. Finally, the darkness gained depth here and there and separated into different shades.

Holding on to the tree she had been leaning against before, her fingers digging into its bark, she stared into the forest where the outlines of the trees slowly appeared. 

And in between their stillness, something was moving. Something much larger than Lexa and it was heading towards her. Its outline was moving and constantly changing, allowing no guess to what was approaching her accompanied by the sound of rustling leaves and muffled rhythmical thuds to the soft ground.

Clarke was rooted to the spot by fear and the pain in her forehead that had tripled since the flames had died, causing points of white light to dance around the approaching shadow. Her muscles were so tense, they started to ache, her breathing so shallow and fast, she was getting dizzy. Her instincts told her to run or prepare to fight, although she had nothing but her fists to defend herself but they didn’t manage to break the hold fear and panic had on her weakened body. 

When the shadow was just a few feet away from her a soft snort painted two little white clouds into the darkness that rose and evaporated the next second. It was then the outline made finally sense and the relief that flooded her almost made her fall to the ground. 

“A horse”, she panted and a light chuckle escaped her lips. For a moment she closed her eyes and leaned against the tree, taking a few deep breaths. When she opened her eyes again, Lexa leading a dark horse by a short rope hanging from its halter were coming to a halt at their clearing. 

Once again the horse snorted and Clarke noticed the white visible in its fear-widened eyes. As it stood, it began pawing the ground and nervously flicked its tail. 

“Chil au, skat.”, Lexa told the horse and stroked its tense neck. 

Clarke noticed the scorched end of the rope in Lexa’s hand now her eyes had finally adjusted to the night.

“He must have fled when the missile hit.”, Lexa spoke aloud what Clarke thought as she noticed what she was looking at. “His mane and tail have been singed but he seems to be unharmed otherwise. Just frightened.”

She kept stroking the horse and gradually, it seemed to find some calm in their presence. 

Clarke’s heart was slowing down again and she released a deep breath, realizing she was covered in cold sweat. A part of her longed for the Arch now. Things had been bad up there, but at least she hadn’t constantly felt hunted. She had never been as afraid, had never felt this kind of panic before she had set foot on earth. Then again, she had never felt as alive, either. 

If she had learned on thing from earth: everything had two sides – at least. 

“Now we can save our strength on our way back”, Lexa said and when Clarke opened her eyes again she saw the Commander grabbing hold of the horse’s partly burnt mane and flung herself on its back. 

“Come on, Clarke. There is no point in waiting for daylight anymore. He can see much better than us.”, Lexa said and there was a glow in her eyes she could even see in the darkness of the night. A glow Clarke had never really seen in them before, yet knew just all too well. It was the kind of glow she could feel when she filled a canvas with color. Clarke found herself staring once again. How beautiful Lexa was, when the woman behind the Commander shone through.

“Don’t just stand there.”, she commented her staring and extended her hand towards Clarke and pulled her on the horse’s back when she took it. Lexa didn’t wait for her to find a balanced seat but brought the horse to a walk the next second. 

For Clarke, riding didn’t come as naturally. She had been able to keep herself on horseback in a saddle but without one, she felt completely lost. The horse’s rhythm didn’t seem to want to make a pattern her hips could follow and she felt herself slipping after just a few steps.

Without being able to debate the pros and cons of it, Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s waist to keep herself from falling. As she adjusted her seat with the help of the Commander’s stability, she felt her tense against herself and her breathing become a little shallower. 

“Sorry”, Clarke mumbled apologetically and despite the cold of the night, she felt uncomfortably hot all of a sudden.

It was then Clarke’s mind kicked into gear, making her very aware of how close they were. She wanted to let go again, wanted to put at least some distance between their bodies but the moment she loosened her grip, she felt herself waver once again. 

“No apology necessary.”, Lexa answered but said it rather stiffly. 

The fact that night was still hiding most of their surroundings and most disturbing to Clarke of all, the ground, didn’t help her finding a relaxed seat on the horse’s back. She couldn’t see what was beneath them or in front of them and it was more than unnerving to her.

To her surprise, Lexa’s closeness, the way the scent of her skin slowly replaced the mixture of pine and turf, was rather comforting and even with her eyes wide and searching, yet blind in the darkness of the night, she felt suddenly as safe as she hadn’t felt in years. 

Ever since her father had died, Clarke realized while she felt her heart pick up its pace to a level that made her aware of every single beat but in the sort of way that simply made you feel wonderfully alive.

The tension in her muscles slowly faded as she surrendered to the moment. Maybe it was the fact she didn’t have any other choice than to hold on to Lexa, to be this close. Or maybe it was because the night and Lexa not being able to watch her made it easier to give in without immediate consequences. Whatever it was that had put Clarke’s reason on pause, it allowed her a moment of tranquility.

And for that moment, her mind started wandering. Wandering away from the horror they were heading back to, away from circumstances. To a time and place that stripped her of sense and reason, where feeling Lexa’s body against her own was neither tormenting nor did it start a riot between her head and her heart. Where Lexa’s hips teaching her the rhythm of the horse’s footfalls felt just right. She felt as this was exactly where she was supposed to be and the little bit of certainty and safety in all the chaos and destruction she had lived through on this planet, was absolute bliss. 

Even the silence, only broken by the occasional cracking twig under the horse’s weight and the chirp of a bird somewhere high above them, felt reassuring and calming. Giving in fully to the moment, she leaned her head against the back of Lexa’s shoulder and closing her eyes, she took a deep breath to suppress the shudder Lexa’s closeness wanted to send down her spine. Whatever the Commander was feeling or thinking in this moment, she didn’t reveal it. Her posture didn’t change, neither did the rhythm of her breaths while her armor was protecting the sound of her heart from Clarke’s ears. 

Slowly the darkness faded and the dawning day painted the silhouette of the trees around them into the air. The more the light settled around them, the more Clarke’s consciousness and cautioned returned. Though it wasn’t the light, it was the familiarity of their surroundings that alerted her senses and when she lifted her head off of Lexa’s shoulder, it was like she was breaking through the surface of water. 

The few sounds that echoed in between the trees were suddenly much louder and everything her eyes took in looked so much sharper. The biting smell of scorched earth lingered in the air. 

The sun had risen fully by now but Clarke wasn’t allowed to feel its warmth upon her skin. Thick fog had settled all around them, only granting them a view of about fifty yards in each direction. 

Her breathing became shallow as she squinted her eyes, trying desperately as well as dreadingly to penetrate the white mist for a glimpse of what lay beyond.

Clarke felt Lexa’s body lean back into her as the horse’s footfalls became uneven, its hooves sliding occasionally and realized they were now heading downhill. Even the ground was now slightly misted over and their view around got limited more and more. When they reached even ground again Clarke could barely see twenty yards.

Almost as if the earth wanted to spare her what waited back in Ton DC. Just as a horror scenario was unfolding in her mind, Lexa bringing the horse to a halt evaporated the gruesome art her mind was painting for her before its terror could spread through her body.

Without a word of explanation, Lexa swung her leg over the horse’s neck and slipped out of Clarke’s grip and off the horse’s back, eyes fixed on the ground she seemed to be searching but what for, Clarke couldn’t guess. 

“What is it?”, Clarke asked and earned a warning glare from the Commander as she spun round and silenced her with narrowed eyes. She didn’t need to, Clarke had understood perfectly well, but Lexa still covered her lips with her index finger and then pointed at the ground where, now that Clarke looked more closely, boot prints were clearly visible. 

On second glance she realized what had alarmed the Commander. The prints were fresh. Clarke wasn’t as experienced as she would like to be when it came to tracking but had learned enough to know, they were no older than a few ours, if that and if she counted correctly, there were at least five different sets.

She, too, got off the horse and was careful to meet the ground noiselessly, knowing what Lexa’s find meant: none of the grounders or her own people wore boots like these. Their heavy sole profile imprinted on the forest ground had been made for war.   
Lexa’s eyes followed the boot prints until the fog swallowed their trail. Putting her hand on her sword’s handle, she followed the prints’ way through the forest and Clarke realized, as she more tiptoed than walked behind the Commander, they were heading for Ton DC but not directly. 

The trail lead them in a gentle bend in its direction but kept it to their right. As they followed, Clarke looked back a few times to see the horse simply standing where Lexa had stopped it, its ears flicking occasionally while its eyes where only half opened and she realized, it had been trained to wait like this. 

Soon the horse was swallowed by the fog and Clarke had nothing to look back to anymore, only the uncertainty of what they were headed for and it caused her stomach to clench painfully. 

The silence all around them was unnerving. They had to be close, why was there no sound coming from where she estimated Ton DC? Surely they couldn’t all be dead. 

All this time it had been so unusually quiet, when the shots were fired, Clarke felt as if someone had pulled the trigger right next to her and ruptured her eardrums. She jumped at the first bang and the loud echo of those that followed, awoke the splitting pain in her head anew. 

Screams followed as well as words being shouted, but their meaning was lost in the thickness of the fog and the distance they had traveled. 

“Kane.”, Clarke whispered, recognizing his voice and for a second, she felt the sweet sensation of relief wash over her.

And then everything seemed to happen all at once. More shots were fired from somewhere close to them and were retaliated by burning arrows that only momentarily appeared for her eyes in the mist. 

A dull thud from ahead and a groan followed. At least one arrow had apparently met its target. As more shots were fired from the same location, Lexa drew her sword and without hesitation, she charged into the fog before Clarke could even react. 

Again, for a second, she could see the burning tips of answering arrows soar through the air and head the same direction Lexa was. Clarke’s heart skipped a beat before it started pounding in her chest, painfully raced by panic.

Lexa might have the element of surprise with the Mountain Men but those few seconds alone were never enough. If Clarke had read the prints correctly and it was at least four against one. What was more, those arrows quietly raining down on her didn’t care what or who they hit and they kept coming, their flames only for a split second visible to Clarke.

Without wasting another thought and any kind of weapon, Clarke started running, throwing all caution into the wind. Her eyes jumped between the ground and the sky back and forth, taking in her path as well as searching for any arrows that might be headed her way. 

Muffled sounds of effort, the dull sound of metal against metal and groans of pain guided her through the mist until it lifted for her to see Lexa duck the attack with the handle of a riffle and watch her throw the last standing man in a hazmat suit off balance. He was catapulted backwards and skidded momentarily with his suit. Before he had even come to stop Lexa was standing over him, the tip of her sword pointing at his neck, ready to make the breath in his lungs his last.

Around them several arrows were sticking in the ground as well as two of three men that lay motionless on the ground while the third was missing his head. 

Another curtain of arrows was headed their way just as Lexa lowered the tip of her sword to the remaining alive Mountain Man. She would be its target in a few seconds, Clarke realized and jumped forward, calling her name as she did and felt her chest collide with the Commander’s shoulder the next instant. The force of her jump threw them both to the ground and Clarke felt the air be knocked out of her lungs from the hard impact.

The burning tips rained down just inches away from them and extinguished with quiet thuds in the earth, perfectly missing every possible target. 

Clarke gasped for air and gave in to a moment of relief by closing her eyes when she was certain Lexa was safe. 

“You should’ve let her die.”, a dark voice jerked her eyes open to the sight of the silhouette of a hazmat suit and though she couldn’t see the face behind the plastic shield, she could hear in his words the triumphant smile on his lips. 

“Then at least one of you might have survived. Now you both get to die like you should’ve days ago.”, he added and Clarke could hear the clicking sound of the loading of the riffle and saw its barrel pointed straight at her forehead. 

Paralyzed with fear she could do nothing but stare. Her body didn’t seem connected to her brain anymore, unresponsive to any thought on how to at least try and prevent her death somehow but her muscles didn’t obey and she stayed a perfectly still target for the bullet that left the barrel with a loud echoing bang the next second.

Clarke felt her heart stop beating and strangely hollow all of a sudden. Though she did not feel any kind of pain, even her headache had disappeared. 

If this was dying, she thought, it really wasn’t all that bad. 

________________________________________  
Chil au, skat. – Calm down, boy


	16. Chapter 16

_“How is this possible?”, Anya said shrilly as she paced up and down in front of Lexa, though the question was not directed at her. In fact, ever since she’d regained consciousness and learned that Lexa had been chosen by the Commander’s spirit, she had been hysterical._

_Not disappointed or angry at her as she had feared but scared and devastated and somehow Lexa got the feeling it wasn’t for her own sake._

_“I did everything you told me.”, she barked at Indra. The General didn’t look her in the eyes but simply stared straight ahead, unfazed by Anya’s fit of rage. “For years I have worked as hard as I could and lived up to every single expectation, learned every goddamn thing you said I had to know and now it was all for nothing?”_

_“It would be wise to lower your voice, Anya.”, Indra said quietly but Lexa could hear the warning undertone she knew just all too well. “Or do you want all of Polis to hear how you tried stealing your sister’s place on the throne?”_

_Indra’s words froze Anya in her pacing. Lexa frowned. She was at a complete loss as to what was going on._

_“Steal?”, she yelled. “You of all people know that was never the point of it all!” Anya’s face was red with anger as she turned to face Indra, her teeth gritted and hands clenched to fists._

_“Do you think anyone who doesn’t know you will believe that your motives were pure?”, she answered coolly and held Anya’s glare._

_There was so much tension between them, the air felt thick and strangely electric. And as if being made the Commander of thousands of people at nine years old hadn’t been frightening and confusing enough, the only two people in the world she thought she could count on were not only ignoring her but also fighting and talking in riddles._

_  
This was not how she had imagined the trip to Polis. Anya was supposed to be confronted with all the responsibility, she had been trained for it after all. For Lexa it was supposed to be an adventure, a chance to explore._

_“Anya.”, she said quietly, her voice barely loud enough to cross the room. “What…what is going on?”_

_Her sister was still staring at Indra who calmly but determined looked back. Slowly Anya’s fists unclenched and the anger left her body. Her shoulders dropped a little when she leaned her head back into her neck and took a deep breath._

_When her sister finally looked at Lexa her eyes were swimming with tears, drowning every other emotion but sadness._

_“I’m sorry, grasshopper”, she finally said and her voice was suffocated by the tears she tried to keep from falling as she approached Lexa. She got on her knees making Lexa taller than herself and put her hands on the girl’s shoulders._

_“I failed you.”, she whispered._

_A single tear escaped and left a wet trail down Anya’s flushed cheek. With her little hand Lexa cupped her sister’s face and with her thumb, she wiped away the tear._

_“You could never.”, she said gently. She wasn’t sure what her sister was talking about but that she thought she had let her down somehow was absolute nonsense. It had been her who had raised her selflessly after her parents’ death and never had she made her feel anything but loved even though Lexa knew she was a responsibility, especially for the Commander she should have become._

_But somehow the tables had been turned and Lexa didn’t understand what had happened._

_Before she could ask for any kind of explanation, her sister buried her face against Lexa’s chest and she could feel her body shake with sobs. Hugging her and stroking her hair, Lexa did the only thing she knew how to: offer her comfort where words failed._

_“Your mother was to be the Commander’s successor, did you know that?”, Indra broke the silence and when Lexa looked at her, her eyes were kinder than she had ever seen them before. Too stunned by her words, Lexa only shook her head no._

_“But our Commander lived an unusually long life – and your mother lost her life too soon. It is said, the legacy of the successor is passed on to the child.”, Indra said calmly and it seemed, she was putting more thought into how she worded what she wanted to say than she usually did._

_Lexa had never known this and the way Indra was looking at her, she anticipated this was just the beginning of a story she had a feeling, she didn’t really want to hear._

_“Indra.”, Anya said pleadingly as she pulled out of Lexa’s arms and wiped her cheeks. She looked at the General with bloodshot and desperate eyes._

_“Enough, Anya, she needs to know. You tried protecting her, you kept your promise. But you can not meddle with fate and keep her in the dark.”_

_Anya didn’t object a second time. She also didn’t meet Lexa’s questioning eyes she knew her sister was aware of but ignored. Instead she stared at the cold hard ground she was still kneeling on, defeat settling in her features._

_“You were born too early, Lexa. Your mother has fought with our healer for your life for many days, refusing to give up on you when everyone else had told her it was hopeless. But hope was something your mother never lost, no matter how dark and desperate the times. Eventually you pulled through and grew strong enough to survive. But your premature birth has left you with a weaker body than mind. Because you have defied death once so early in your life, your mother was always worried about your safety. Because she had fought for your life when all a mother should do at this point in a child’s life is celebrate the beginning of their journey, she only ever saw what could harm you and never your potential to grow out of the rough start you had in life. So when your mother knew she was wounded to a point where no healer could safe her, she also knew the honor of the successors would pass on to one of her children. Before she drew her last breath she made Anya promise to do everything to become the perfect vessel for the Commander’s spirit by offering a body and mind trained for its purpose. To make sure it would spare you.”_

_Lexa’s eyes had widened more and more the longer Indra had spoken, the words though shattering her on the inside, were spoken kindly, almost reassuringly. But there was nothing reassuring about what she had just learned._

_Lexa hadn’t known any of it. She had noticed of course, how she was always smaller and thinner than other children her age and how she got sick quicker and more often than anyone else but it had never occurred to her there was a reason for it. A part of her was refusing to believe just one word._

_“Is this true?”, she asked Anya, a pleading undertone making her voice higher pitched than usual. She stared at her sister as if she could will her to finally meet her eyes._

_More tears spilled from Anya’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks and though they weren’t words, they were answer enough._

_Lexa felt anger grow in confusion’s place. “Why have you never told me?”, she demanded in a tone of voice that had never left her throat. “Why have you lied to me all those years?”_

_When Anya finally met her eyes, a mixture of devastation and surprised shock stared back at her._

_“I promised to protect you.”, Anya sobbed._

_“And how brilliantly you have done so. Leaving me unprepared to a fate you knew could be mine. You had time to train and learn and brace for this! What about me, Anya? What am I supposed to do now?”, Lexa’s voice had gained volume as she spoke and her anger trailed into her words._

_“Your promise leaves me with nothing! Thousands of people are looking to me now, for answers I don’t have, wanting me to make decisions I don’t know how to make, to protect them when I don’t even know how to protect myself.”_

_Lexa could feel frustration and the bitterness of betrayal riot in her chest, felt rage pulse through her veins and chase her heart in a way she had never felt before. It was all there, inside of her, and yet it was as if she felt another person’s body entirely._

_This was nothing like Lexa. She had always been the kind and gentle one. She had been mocked more than once for it – for forgiving too easily, for caring too deeply, for being so compassionate, she wouldn’t even kill a bug._

_Lexa felt alienated in her own body and even in her head it was as if someone else had taken over. She understood the reasons, it made perfect sense, but they still weren’t her thoughts. All she wanted to do was tell Anya that it was okay, that she understood – maybe not all the whys and hows, but she understood. She knew Anya had always had her best interest at heart._

_Anya seemed as surprises and irritated by Lexa’s behavior as she was herself. Her tears ebbed away and mystified, she stared at her little sister._

_“Lexa, I – “, she began but was cut off._

_“Quiet.”, Lexa ordered and was as surprised as Anya looked when she heard her own voice, harsh and cold._

_Lexa felt her heart ache as she looked into her sister’s eyes mirroring the pain that was tearing her apart on the inside. All she wanted to do was smile that little half smile that had always, no matter what, earned one in return._

_But it was like her face, or voice, weren’t connected to her thoughts anymore, like she was a prisoner in her body and she was drowning. Drowning in a sea of emotions that weren’t her own. They felt old, ancient even, and were fueled by many lifetimes that made them so much stronger than Lexa._

_Staring into her sister’s terror widened eyes, she realized despite what she had believed until this point, that the Commander’s spirit wasn’t just a myth. It wasn’t just a name or title someone long ago had come up with but an actual **thing** – or person? Whatever it was, it was taking over control inside of her, settling into its new vessel and all Lexa could do was make room._

 

* * *

 

 

The fog had grown so thick, the tree trunks simply disappeared, without tree tops or a sky beyond them.

 

Strange, Clarke thought, how she would notice this. Did a dying mind pay attention to such details?

 

And while she still felt strangely unearthed and disconnected from her own body, the silence started ringing in her ears, growing louder to an almost painful level.

 

Lexa’s face appeared over her and the way the white mist swallowed everything behind her made the sight quite peculiar, like the Commander had turned into an angel of sort. Clarke was so mesmerized by the sight, that at first she didn’t notice how her lips were moving.

 

“Clarke? Clarke! Are you hurt? Can you hear me? Clarke!”, her voice only managed to reach her very slowly and in a distorted sort of way and they took a moment to unfold their meaning in her head. But when they finally did, it was as if Clarke was pulled out of whatever trance she had just been in and suddenly she felt it all at once: the throbbing in her head, the dull pain over her sternum where it had met Lexa’s shoulder, the cold, damp ground beneath her and most prominent of all, the burning in her lungs begging for air.

 

She took a sudden and deep breath, the cool air soothing to her lungs but caused a coughing fit.

 

Panting her eyes jumped all over the place trying to put the pieces together. The man in the hazmat suit that had held her at gun point just moments ago was now lying to her feet, his limbs sprawled about in odd angles and the plastic shield protecting his face was sprayed with blood – his own Clarke realized as it covered the transparent surface from the inside.

 

Lexa was kneeling by her side, one hand clutching the handle of her sword, its blade glistening with blood. Her green eyes were opened wide and panic filled, her lips, pale and dry, were slightly parted as she stared at Clarke.

 

“Clarke? Can you hear me?”, Lexa asked, though her voice was weak, barely more than a whisper.

 

 

“Yes…I – “, Clarke began but her own voice was too hoarse to allow another word to leave her lips. She cleared her throat and patted herself down, making sure shock wasn’t just numbing the pain of a new wound but her hands didn’t meet the now all too familiar sensation of fresh warm blood leaving a body.

 

 “I…I’m fine.”, Clarke finally said and heard the Commander exhale heavily. Pushing herself up into a sitting position, Clarke stared at the Mountain Man to her feet and noticed a tear in his suit about three inches long. Blood was seeping from it and leaving different trails on the plastic fabric before it disappeared in the ground.

 

“What were you thinking?”, Lexa asked suddenly, her voice vibrating with fury.

 

When Clarke turned to look at her, wondering for a split second who she was talking to, she realized her anger was indeed aimed at her. Cheeks flushed and teeth gritted, the Commander glared at her. Her brows were furrowed and narrowed her green eyes, giving them a dangerous glimmer.

 

 “Excuse me?”, Clarke said bewildered without so much as a clue what had brought on the change in the Commander’s behavior.

 

“Do you ever think before you just jump head first into danger? You almost got both of us killed”, Lexa glared at her and though it slowly dawned on Clarke what she meant, she didn’t understand her point of view at all.

 

“Are you seriously blaming me? I just saved you from being hit by an arrow!”, Clarke said defensively, her brows furrowed in disbelief.

 

“I can handle myself, Clarke.”, Lexa retorted, stuck the tip of her sword into the ground and used it to push herself to her feet. She turned away to overlook the battlefield around them.

 

“You have a brave heart, Clarke, but no war has been won on bravery alone.”, Lexa continued and though she was talking to her, she wasn’t looking at her. A strange melancholy had mixed into her voice as she spoke.

 

“Oh good.”, Clarke muttered sarcastically under her breath and dusted off her pants, not that it made any difference really, even she couldn’t tell which color they’d had originally been anymore. “More grounder wisdom quotes.”

 

Following Lexa’s example, she got to her feet and stared at the Commander’s back. She knew, logically, it was neither the time nor the place to have a silly little argument about who was right and who was wrong but she couldn’t help being annoyed with Lexa.

 

“How about stubbornness?”, Clarke taunted and crossed her arms to her chest. “Has a war been won on stubbornness or are you planning on being the first one to do that?”

 

Lexa turned her head, showing Clarke only her profile but she could see the Commander considering her out of the corner of her eyes.

 

Clarke braced herself but Lexa simply turned away from her and started walking. For a moment, she was stunned but then figured, it was for the better. They were standing among dead bodies after all.

 

Maybe she was really just trying to delay their return, Clarke reflected on her own behavior. She certainly didn’t feel ready to enter Ton DC, didn’t want to actually know the number of lives she could’ve saved but hadn’t.

 

Shaking her head in an effort to keep the images of destruction and death from filling her thoughts, she followed Lexa who was passing by every body in a hazmat suit, obviously making sure neither of them would rise to threaten their lives again.

 

She had just reached the last one as a muffled groan came from it. A moment later the body started shifting and a yelp followed. It had been one of the men hit by an arrow and its tip stuck in his shoulder seemed to be causing him pain when he moved.

 

Lexa reacted instinctively and flung her sword with a swift motion from her wrist in front of her where she grabbed hold of the handle with both hands, ready to drive the man through.

 

“Lexa, no!”, Clarke gasped as a thought struck her. Lexa had heard her, she could tell by the moment’s hesitation, but obviously decided not to listen.

 

Her sword had almost reached the hazmat suit when Clarke had reached her in a few long, hurried strides and turned her around by her elbow.

 

“You do realize he has just attacked our people, don’t you?”, Lexa said irritably and jerked her arm out of Clarke’s grip. “He’s is our enemy, one of those we are at war against.”

 

“Exactly.”, Clarke answered. “If we can keep him alive, we can use him. He can tell us how to get into Mount Weather, he can help us save our people.”

 

The annoyance lingered for a moment in Lexa’s features. It seemed she had to weigh Clarke’s words against the alternative she had been about to execute.

 

Clarke looked at her and the seconds that ticked by until Lexa finally nodded her agreement, felt endless. She knew, if the Commander didn’t agree, no matter how good of a point she made, it wouldn’t matter.

 

Clarke exhaled with relief and looked down on the groaning man in the hazmat suit who was unable to move more than a few inches before his pain seemed to become too overwhelming.

 

She knelt beside him, curiously scanning his suit and realized the whole the arrow had ripped into the plastic fabric was sealed by it, keeping him still shielded from most of the radiation she had no trouble breathing in.

 

He struggled once more and managed to turn his head, meeting her eyes with a mixture of terror, agony and blood-lust. His pain didn’t seem to stop him anymore now and driven by his enemy’s sight, he leapt forward trying to close his hands around Clarke’s throat but mid-motion the handle of Lexa’s sword met the back of his head. Instantly his body went limp.

 

Clarke looked up at her, partly thankful and impressed at her quick reaction, partly annoyed she was treating their best chance to get into Mount Weather as quietly as possible, as roughly as she just had.

 

“What? You said we have to keep him alive, not conscious.”, Lexa commented Clarke’s scolding look and shrugged before she put her sword back in its sheath.

 

* * *

 

 

Half an hour later Clarke was pacing back and forth in the safety of the forest, looking every other second the way Lexa had disappeared.

 

They had agreed that their return had to happen as quietly as possible. No one knew what resources Mount Weather had exactly and if they could spot them among the survivors. And someone had to keep an eye on the Mountain Man.

 

Lexa had insisted on being the one to sneak back into Ton DC to sound out the situation, get helping bodies to transport their prisoner back and get Clarke’s people on working on a way to keep him alive in their midst.

 

Clarke had only briefly protested. Now that they were just outside of Ton DC, the fear of what lay beyond the last trees and the fence – if it still existed – was wrapping so tightly around her insides every time she imaged the destruction, she felt paralyzed. For now, not knowing, was easier to handle. She would have to face the consequences of her decision soon enough and she would have to live with that guilt for the rest of her life.

 

Waiting, though, was just as crushing if not more. The mind of a painter worked with more colors than the language had words for and right now it was using all its shades of red to paint an all too painfully vivid scenario of her friends, her mother, ripped to pieces with their faces screwed up into a grimace that asked wordlessly ‘How could you let this happen to us?’.

 

It made Clarke’s heart pound hard and fast in her chest and covered her skin with cold sweat. She was tapping her fingertips nervously against her thigh as she continued pacing, every now and then throwing a glance towards the man in the hazmat suit to make sure he was still out cold and no threat to her or himself. Not that she had approved of Lexa’s method, but she had to admit it was much more comfortable with the Mountain Man unconscious, at least for now.

 

The fog was still thick all around her and didn’t just cause the world beyond twenty yards to disappear in a white mist but also seemed to swallow every kind of sound a living breathing forest usually made; the kind of sounds you didn’t even notice like the slight swaying of branches, the faint fluttering of wings high above or just the air as it moves through the trees; the kind of sounds you didn’t notice until their absence made the air feel thick and heavy and one completely isolated. Not knowing who had survived back in Ton DC was nurturing the devastating cold feeling of loneliness even more and it spread, with every breath, from her lungs to claim her body organ by organ, cell after cell until panic, horror and hopelessness were all that was left inside of her.

 

Clarke shuddered, her eyes jumping restlessly all over the white wall surrounding her. She wrapped her arms around herself.

 

“Come on, Lexa.”, she begged through gritted teeth, staring at the white mist as if she could will it to make the Commander appear.

 

In her helplessness, Clarke checked the oxygen levels of the hazmat suit again, trying to occupy her mind enough to banish the images in her head. When she saw that the needle had dropped more significantly than it should have in such a short time, another kind of panic caused a wave of adrenaline to circulate through her system.

 

He’d lost about forty percent of his remaining oxygen in under thirty minutes. At that rate he would either suffocate or die of radiation before they could come up with a plan to keep him alive without his suit and away from Mount Weather.

 

Her thoughts were stumbling over one another as she tried to find the cause as well as a solution at the same time. And then she noticed the red blotches starting to sprout all over his face.

 

Frantically, she stared at the arrow and only now noticed that the hole the shaft had sealed before must’ve widened when had moved before getting knocked unconscious, allowing contaminated air to enter the suit.

 

“No, no, no, no.”, Clarke mumbled desperately, fidgeting with the suit without really knowing what to do.

 

Why couldn’t things go her way, just this once? He was Bellamy’s ticket out of that mountain, Clarke could feel it. _If_ she could keep him alive. And while she had come up with a plan on how to achieve this, she needed a lot more time than hardly an hour to turn it into reality.

 

She could see the spots on his face grow before her eyes, their color intensifying. If she didn’t find a way to allow the suit to function properly again, their best chance would die with him.

 

“Clarke!”, she heard a voice call her name that sounded familiar but Clarke felt, like she’d heard it in another lifetime.

 

When she turned around, she could see her mother - face badly bruised and one eye black and swollen almost completely shut - run towards her and before she could even think about how to react, Abigail had fallen to her knees next to her, hugging her so tightly, she could barely breathe.

 

As tense as it had been between them since her father’s death and even more after she’d allowed them to send Clarke into what they had thought would be her certain death, right now her mother’s embrace was just that: warm, loving and safe.

 

“You’re alive.”, she sobbed into Clarke’s neck and caressed her hair, squeezing her daughter even tighter.

 

“You’re alive!”, she repeated and she could hear the unexpected relief in her voice.  

 

Clarke’s voice failed her, but in her head echoed the same words and she felt just as thankful that her mother was still alive.

 

“Mom.”, she finally managed to croak as she hugged her back and a second she banished every other thought from her mind, every feeling that was making her heart feel heavy. She just wanted to linger in this moment where hope finally triumphed despair and the tears that filled her eyes weren’t created by sorrow.

 

Their moment slipped away as groans of agony filled the air. Clarke pulled back and saw the needle showing the amount of oxygen left in the tank had dropped to reserve while his face was now completely covered with sore skin and growing blisters. 

 

The pain of exposure had awoken him and was now making him squirm. Clarke began to quickly recap what had happened but stopped midsentence.

 

“The others.”, she said but her voice was so weak, no one but her could hear it. Clarke’s head shot round, past the four grounders standing left and right to their Commander who had been overseeing their reunion, but Clarke noticed neither them. Her eyes searched and found the body in the hazmat suit closest to them. She jumped to her feet and internally she was scolding herself for not thinking of the most obvious of solutions much earlier.

 

She dropped to her knees next to the dead Mountain Man and felt the kind of sweet lightness within her chest only sudden, unexpected relief can cause. She panted, only now realizing she had held her breath from the moment the thought had struck her mind to the moment she saw his oxygen tank was still more than half full.

 

Everything from there on out happened so fast, Clarke felt like she was on autopilot. Before she knew it, Lexa’s men had stripped all the dead bodies of their suits and using the duct tape that had sealed off the transition from their gloves to the suit to close the hole around the arrow in the barely alive man’s shoulder.

 

They exchanged his oxygen tank before one of the grounder’s put him across his shoulders and leading their group through the fog. The pain from being moved had caused the Mountain Man to faint once again.

 

Lexa was right behind him, her hand clutching the handle of her sword constantly and Clarke had the impression that the way she carried herself, tall and proud, taking long, steady and calm strides, didn’t match her emotions at all.

 

Clarke couldn’t help but notice the clenching in her jaw and wondered what she thought and felt right now. Was it because she had seen what the missile had done to Ton DC? Was it because she was returning to her people that relied on her strength and leadership and didn’t allow for her to be vulnerable, to be human?

 

No one said a word, not even Abigail who was walking next to her daughter behind the Commander whose remaining men were the rear guard carrying all the gear. Clarke could feel her mother’s eyes on her but she had no strength or patience left and it was like Abby understood her daughter’s silent plea to leave her be, at least for now. Even though Clarke hadn’t finished telling her what had happened, it seemed for now the reassurance her daughter was alive was enough for the moment.

 

The wooden fence guarding Ton DC was slowly manifesting ahead. The gate was closed, hiding its heart and whatever damage the missile had caused. Clarke felt her heart beat faster the closer they got.

 

She wanted to ask her mother what to prepare for but her voice was trapped beyond the lump growing in her throat, making it hard to swallow. She felt her knees weaken with every step, as if her body wanted to protect her mind from what she was about to see by refusing to carry her towards it.

 

As the guards inside took notice of their arrival, the gates were slowly being pushed open and Clarke took a bracing deep breath.

 

Slowly, with every step further inside, the destruction appeared within the mist. The earth beneath her feet was burnt and covered with the ash of all the tents and houses that had seamed the dirt track from one gate to the other.

 

Everything on top of the plateau where Lexa and her most trusted warriors had lived and trained, had been turned to dust. A deep hole had been ripped into the ground right in the middle by the missile’s impact.

 

With her lips parted and eyes wide, Clarke silently counted the bodies all over the still smoldering ground, burnt so badly, there was no way in knowing who had lost their lives by the remains only.

 

Her eyes were swimming with tears. She could’ve saved them. She could have saved all of them. How was it fair that she was walking among their bones just because she played a certain role in this war that made her valuable?

 

“Don’t worry, honey, those aren’t our people.”, Abby whispered closed to her ear and squeezed her arm reassuringly as Clarke turned to look at her. She was completely stunned when her mother – just for a second – smiled at her and it looked even more bizarre with her bruised face.

 

Yes, she couldn’t deny that her heart felt a thousand times lighter knowing that her friends were alive, that their death was nothing she would have to blame herself for, for the rest of her life.

 

But just because those who had died weren’t the people they had known for years made them no less human and now more than ever, Clarke realized how divided they were. They were on the same side, more or less voluntarily, but that didn’t unite them at all and Clarke felt bitterness make her stomach clench.

 

Somehow she’d hoped after everything – after both sides had suffered their losses at the hand of other, after accepting that neither of them could survive on their own in the long run against Mount Weather, after uniting their resources and knowledge – after Finn’s sacrifice to make the alliance possible and Lincoln and Octavia had literally become the Romeo and Juliet of their time, except with a happy ending – after all of it Clarke had hoped they would find a way to form a stronger connection. One that would go beyond the destruction of Mount Weather and this war.

 

Abby let go of her arm and headed to the front, leading the group in a turn. Clarke looked after her as her eyes fell on Lexa just a few feet ahead of her and somehow she knew, the Commander had overheard her mother’s words. She could see it in the gritting of her teeth and the way it made her jaw muscles show beneath her skin.

 

Her voice was cold when she ordered her guards something in Trigadesleng and though Clarke did not know what her words meant, she could hear the same bitterness she had felt resonate in them.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two different flashbacks into Lexa's past. While I started this fic as a Clarke/Lexa shipping fic, while writing I just got so many glimpses of Lexa's life before Clarke that I seem to get sidetracked a lot by her story. I apologize to those who are waiting for the romance part of this fic to happen, I never intended to take this long but I just can't help myself. There will be romance eventually I promise ;) Also I hate making up names, so forgive me for the new characters and their stupid names

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at the end of the first flashback starring Costia I bracketed a part I'm not sure I find the right spot to tell about more elaborately later, though I really do hope I will. But in the event that I don't (or forget that I intended to do, this is a very shortened version on the Ice Queen came to capture and kill Costia in my head

Night was cloaking her perfectly as she stood on the ground that had once been her shelter. The earth was still warm beneath her feet where the explosion had created an insatiable fire, turning everything in its reach, no matter how solid or ancient, to ash.

 

Some things, like the bottom part of her throne, were still in their original shape but the moment Lexa reached out and her fingertips touched the symbol of her leadership, it crumbled instantly into a pile of grey dust.

 

Her life, her memories, were crunching beneath her feet. The tree people didn’t believe in earthly things. They valued honor, pride and honesty - not possessions.

 

Yet, in her tent, some things had been kept that had had greater value to her than anything else. Keepsakes to help her remember and warn her to never forget the cost.

 

Lexa, though, she didn’t feel as devastated as she thought she would – or ought to feel. If she was being honest, she was somewhat relieved. Maybe this was life’s - or fate’s - way of telling her it was time to let go.

 

Lexa looked up into the night sky, the fog had cleared with the sunset leaving her with an unobstructed view at the stars. Her breath rose in little white clouds towards space as a strange peace settled within her.

 

The past few days she’d fought a battle on the inside, far worse than any she’d fought on the battlefield. Lexa’s feelings for Clarke had grown stronger the more time she’d spent with her, the better she’d gotten to know her. She’d reached a point were denying had become impossible.

 

The terror in her soul when she hadn’t known if Clarke was still alive inside the collapsed cave was the kind of fear only love could create. She’d felt it once before when Costia had been taken.

 

* * *

 

 

_Lexa jerked awake, her eyes wide and staring at the pitch black darkness of the night. She was panting, her heart pounding so hard and fast in her chest, every beat was accompanied by a sharp pain. Her skin was covered in cold sweat, causing the sheet that covered her only from the waist down, to stick to her._

_Her mouth felt as dry as if she hadn’t had any water for days. She sat up and swallowed but hardly managed to move the lump in her throat. Her whole body was trembling._

_“What troubles you, my love?”, a soft but concerned whisper to her right reminded her, she wasn’t alone._

_“Nothing.”, Lexa said hastily, but her voice cracked mid-word. “It was just a nightmare.”, she added after swallowing once more which helped in steadying her voice at least a little._

_She felt a hand take the loose strands of hair sticking to her sweaty forehead and cheek and tuck it behind her ear before gently following her jawline to the other side of her face. She felt her head gently pulled to side._

_It took her eyes a few seconds before Costia’s outline appeared in the darkness and slowly, her face gained depth, her eyes somehow shining even without a source of light they could reflect._

_Her features were as gentle as ever, a hint of a smile tugging on her lips, though it seemed sad and slightly worried._

_Costia’s hand slid upward, her fingers gliding behind Lexa’s ear and her fingertips gently pressing against her neck as she pulled her face close. The tips of their noses were almost touching and she could feel her lover’s breath meet her lips._

_The images of her nightmare flashed before her eyes and chased her heart once more._

_Images of Costia walking through the forest in a white dress that was drenched in crimson blood spilling from her neck where her head should be, but wasn’t. Her arms were stretched out, searching. They felt around in the air and Lexa felt herself running – running towards her but the faster she ran, the bigger the space between them._

_Lexa closed her eyes and the distance between their mouths, her lips hungrily pressing upon Costia’s. Her hands found their way on either side of her lover’s face naturally, tangling into her hair. She moved closer until she could feel Costia’s breasts, soft and round, press against hers. Her hands slid down her sides to her hips and pulled her onto her lap as their tongues began their familiar longing dance._

_The longer they kissed, the closer Costia was, the more the images of her nightmare faded until she was left with only her scent, the warmth of her body and the softness of her skin._

_Costia shivered and Lexa could feel her body respond to her touch, her nipples growing hard against her own skin and hips pressing into her._

_And then her hungry mouth turned soft as it left Lexa’s. Costia cupped her face and covered her cheeks with gentle kisses, first one side then the other and only then did she notice the tears that had rolled down her face._

_Lexa grabbed hold of Costia’s wrists as she still framed Lexa’s face with her hands. Sobs she didn’t want to allow to surface were now shaking her body. Leaning against Costia’s forehead with her own, she took shaky breath after shaky breath._

_“What did you see?”, Costia asked softly, caressing her cheeks with her thumbs._

_Lexa shook her head to keep the images from reappearing. Costia pulled back far enough to be able to look at Lexa who avoided her eyes._

_“Nothing of importance.”, she said and started twirling one of Costia’s thick locks around her finger._

_Costia though, Lexa knew, knew her so much better and nothing she could do or say that wasn’t the truth, would be accepted._

_“Lex”, Costia said softly. “Look at me.”_

_Lexa pressed her lips together and stalled as she tried hiding the terror, the images had caused, from her features._

_“Please.”, Costia whispered and finally, Lexa looked up to meet her almond shaped, almost black eyes searching like they always did, as if she could read in their depth what Lexa couldn’t or didn’t want to speak out loud._

_This time, Lexa felt the tears that rolled down her cheeks silently as her nightmare flashed, just for a second, before her eyes, causing Costia’s face to disappear right in front of her, dressing her into a white dress in her lap that was soaked in her own blood._

_“You.”, Lexa finally managed to say and felt herself shaken by a sob that escaped her throat. “I saw your death.”_

_If Costia was disturbed by her words, frightened or surprised, or if they had stirred something in her at all, Lexa couldn’t tell. Her features, her posture, not even a muscle within her body had moved._

_Her thumb gently broke the wet trail upon Lexa’s cheek where tear after tear went rolling down and a slight smile tug in one corner of her mouth._

_“It was just a dream.”, she told her softly. “Don’t you worry about me.”_

_“What if it wasn’t?”, Lexa said shakily, her fear trailing into her voice. “The Ice Queen knows no boundaries. She is guided by so much hatred, she will use any weapon to get what she desires.”_

_Costia smiled a half smile, its softness so radiant, Lexa could feel it calm her heart just a little. She tucked Lexa’s wild curls behind her ears and then placed a gentle kiss on her forehead._

_“If I die tomorrow, I will have no regrets but the days lost I can’t be here to love and support you. No matter how I leave this world, it will never be your fault.”, Costia said, leaning her forehead against Lexa’s again, holding her face her in her hands as if Lexa was made out of porcelain._

_Lexa closed her eyes, the thought of losing Costia was unbearable and while she had always known the risk to take her as her lover officially, against all warnings of her trusted advisers, the threat had never been as prominent as it had been since she had united all the nations but the Ice Queen’s, who had and still was, aiming for her throne._

_Wrapping her arms around Costia, Lexa pulled her close and buried her face in her neck. Feeling the warmth of her lover’s body and steady heartbeat against her own skin was soothing to the chaos within._

_Lexa would fall asleep only when the sun was already rising over Ton DC, resting uneasy and every night after that, she would be haunted by the mere memory of the dream, she’d had that night, always hoping it was just that and frightened it was one of the premonitions the Commander’s spirit was granted every now and then._

_Autumn would come with all its colorful beauty followed by a snow-heavy winter that lasted longer than any Lexa had ever known. By the time the first flowers blossomed, Lexa had decided, it had really been nothing more than a nightmare and finally breathed more easily again._

_The Ice Queen had never resurfaced since Lexa had been officially declared the leader of the united nations and threatened to take her place from her._

_Even though Lexa had allowed herself to believe, she could never entirely shake that gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach._

_(When the Ice Queen finally did strike when all the meadows were in full bloom, Lexa knew before her sword had ended the last of their enemies’ life on the battlefield, that she would return and find her nightmare come true._

_She had fallen for an ambush; the battle she had fought and won had been nothing but a decoy and the cost was a choice: to surrender her leadership - her people - to the Ice Queen’s merciless, ruthless ruling or to sentence Costia to death.)_

* * *

 

“Lexa, hey.”, a familiar voice pulled her out of her memories. Lexa looked back over her shoulder to see Clarke slowly manifest against the darkness of the night, her blonde wavy hair framing pale features were the first thing visible.

 

“Clarke.”, Lexa said shortly, turning away from Clarke and tried blinking away the tears swimming in the bottom of her eyes.

 

“Are…are you okay?”, Clarke said softly when she reached her and the Commander still hadn’t turned around.

 

Lexa took a deep breath to clear her head from her memories before she turned around to face Clarke.

 

Concern was mixed into Clarke’s features, her brows furrowed as she looked at her and Lexa silently wished, she simply didn’t care.

 

When she had felt her feelings for Clarke unfold it had been confusing and terrifying enough. After years of never allowing anyone to get close, of keeping her heart guarded behind so many walls, she’d started wondering if she was still able to love this way.

 

And somehow all it had taken Clarke to ignite that spark in her heart was to be her stubborn, irritatingly naïve and pure-hearted self.

 

If Clarke felt the same, she wasn’t sure. But she cared, one way or the other. For Lexa, for the tree people, and not just her own. And it felt like it was forever ago since someone had cared. Cared for her and not for who she was to her people, the power she embodied – for Lexa and not just the Commander.

 

It created a struggle inside her. While she had lived as only one thing since Costia’s death -  the leader of her people - she now felt both parts of her alive again. Alive and yearning.

 

And it tore hear apart. Guilt and longing, fear and her responsibility as the Commander were battling inside her chest. But above all the reasons why she shouldn’t - couldn’t - stood the fact that Clarke was not one of them. Her people would never understand.

 

It was accepted for the Commander to take a lover, even to start a family. As long as the duty came first – as long as the sake of the nation and its survival triumphed everything else.

 

“What brings you to me, Clarke?”, Lexa answered as coolly as she possibly could, hoping her obvious disregard to Clarke’s question would put her in her place.

 

And it did. For a moment Clarke was taken aback, her eyes searching in Lexa’s and the Commander felt her heart beat a little faster under Clarke’s intense gaze like she had felt it do every time their eyes had locked.

 

But then she dropped them momentarily, as if to gather herself and her thoughts and when she looked back at her, the concern had disappeared. In its place settled cold determination and made her features look harder than was natural to Clarke.

 

“I just wanted to let you, we’re transporting the Mountain Man back to our camp. Raven is building a chamber form him there with parts of the Ark he can survive in without an oxygen mask or his suit.”, Clarke said and though her voice sounded matter-of-factly, Lexa could hear her disappointment at the Commander’s rejection escorting her words in an undertone.

 

“What exactly is your plan here, Clarke?”, Lexa asked. “What happens once you have accommodated him?”

 

A flicker of uncertainty crossed Clarke’s blue eyes that had a much darker shade at night, like those deep parts of the ocean where no one ever really knew what hid in its depth.

 

“I’m hoping I can persuade him to do the right thing.”, she said and exhaled heavily and Lexa could tell, she’d debated whether she would share her doubts or pretend she’d everything under control. It was her decision to stick with the truth and admit uncertainty that impressed Lexa the most.

 

“And what exactly is the right thing? In your opinion, I mean.”, Lexa said.

 

“To help us get our people out of that mountain. I’m sure only a few know what happens to our people in there and I don’t think they will want that, if given the choice.”, Clarke answered and Lexa could hear in her voice how much she believed in the good of the people in that Mountain – in the people that had killed and turned her people into monsters doing their every bidding for years – centuries even. Clarke believed it so much, it was almost infectious.

 

Lexa nodded her understanding and decided she wouldn’t comment on her plan but wait and see. The way Clarke was looking at her now, there was so much hope – desperate hope – but it was still hope and something Lexa hadn’t come across in a very long time. Something she wished she could have, too, and felt, in allowing Clarke to hold on to hers, she might find some again herself.

 

“Octavia has the radio, we’ll keep you updated.”, Clarke added when Lexa stayed quiet.

 

“I see you have everything planned out.”, Lexa commented and felt the distance between them slowly grow thick with awkwardness. Lexa was so determined on keeping her feelings hidden, especially since she was certain at least Indra was lingering somewhere in the dark watching them, and Clarke seemed a little lost on how to deal with the Commander.

 

Lexa simply stared at her, politely but not really invitingly. She wanted to be left alone. There was something about the fact Clarke was standing in the ashes of what she’d had left of Costia that just didn’t feel right.

 

Eventually, Clarke dropped her eyes and after lingering for another moment in which she seemed to debate something with herself, she turned around to leave her be. Lexa slowly released a long breath and felt the tension leave her muscles.

 

She’d just closed her eyes to gather her thoughts when Clarke’s voice jerked them open again.

 

“I’m… I’m very sorry about earlier.”, she said throatily. Her brows were furrowed, emphasizing her words. “About what my mother said.”

 

Lexa felt herself stiffen as Abigail’s words echoed in her head.

 

“I hope you know we don’t all think like that.”, Clarke went on and took a step back towards Lexa. She seemed to be hoping for any kind of response from the Commander.

 

“I don’t.”, she added quietly and dropped her eyes as she took a deep breath.

 

For a moment there was only silence, even the night seemed to hold its breath and Lexa could tell by the way Clarke stood before her, shoulders slightly slouched, the middle finger of one hand nervously rubbing against her palm and biting the inside of her lip, she truly was sorry and more than words could ever say. And there it was again, her care that reached so far, beyond her own people, beyond what Lexa thought one person could be capable of.

 

“Thank you.”, Lexa finally said gently and offered Clarke a nod of redemption.

 

Clarke’s features relaxed a little and she nodded back as a thank you before she turned around and this time, disappeared in the darkness.

 

Lexa exhaled heavily and felt doubt wrap around her heart as she stared after her.

 

“Indra.”, she said after a moment, not particularly loud or demanding but it still caused the General to step out of the darkness.

 

“Yes, Heda?”, she answered in Trigedasleng and seemed neither surprised Lexa had known about her presence nor did she appear to be feeling caught.

 

“Hold the assassination of the mother.”, she told her without looking at her. She knew what she’d find in Indra’s black eyes and she just didn’t need to see that mixture of doubt, disappointment and anger.

 

“Heda?”, Indra said.

 

Lexa took another deep breath and clenched her fists before she barked: “Do as I tell you.”

 

Her words echoed in the night and out of the corner of her eyes she could see Indra grit her teeth.

 

“Yes, Heda.”, she said eventually but Lexa could hear in her voice she was anything but satisfied with her Commander’s choice.

 

Lexa waited until the night had completely swallowed her footsteps crunching on the ashes of what once had been before she allowed herself to give up the Commander’s straight and proud posture and covered her mouth with both hands to keep the sobs she felt rising in her chest from escaping.

 

For the first time in years, she questioned her fate. Why had the spirit chosen her? Of all the people more suited, eager and willing, why her?

 

* * *

 

 

_Lexa was sitting on a throne too large, her feet dangling in the air, her arms too short and only her hands could use the arm rests, though they were resting in her lap anyway, clutching each other in desperation._

_She didn’t want to sit here but she was told, it was her place now._

_“Heda.”, said a gentle voice and the only reason Lexa looked up from her hands where she’d watched her knuckles turn white, was because up till now she had been surrounded by only silence. Though she had looked up in a way one curiously wanted to see who had been addressed and found two light grey eyes looking kindly at her._

_“Please don’t.”, Lexa said hoarsely and felt tears shoot into her eyes._

_“Don’t what?”, the woman asked._

_“Don’t call me that.”, Lexa said pleadingly and couldn’t keep thick tears from rolling down her cheeks._

_The elder woman approached her and crouched down in front of Lexa, looking up at her with a smile on her lips. “But I’m just calling you by your name.”, she stated simply._

_“My name is Lexa!”, Lexa said, stubbornly and pressed her lips together. The woman laughed._

_“I’m Anita.”, she said, her laughter trailing into her words. “I’m also the Commander’s adviser.”_

_Lexa’s tears ran dry as she looked at Anita with a mixture of confusion and curiosity._

_“We are rarely just one thing, Lexa.”, she said and stood up again, extending her hand to Lexa who had now put her head into her neck to be able to look at her. She hesitated a moment but then put her hand into Anita’s._

_She was lead across the room to a window that overlooked a street now busy with every day’s life. People were hurrying past while others strolled by, some were talking in whispers while others didn’t seem to care who listened._

_“Do you see this man?”, Anita said, pointing at an older man, his dark skin wrinkled by centuries and offered a great contrast to his white hair and full beard hiding half of his face._

_Lexa nodded as she watched him sitting in the street in a tailor seat, little wooden figures of various shapes and sizes offered on a beige blanket in front of him. He wore no shoes even though winter’s first snow was just weeks away._

_“His name is Roan. His three sons call him father, his wife referred to him as her husband and for many years, he was the best boat builder of all the nations. His friends call him Woody, because they say he can talk to wood, that’s how he can make almost everything from a piece of wood.”, Anita told her, a kind, almost loving smile remaining on her lips while she talked._

_“And do you see the woman over there, at the corner of the street?”, she went on, pointing at a young woman, Lexa guessed her to be Anya’s age. Her slender body was clothed in a soldier’s protective gear; her prominent cheek bones a canvas for two black stripes on either side. Her long dark hair was braided tightly and the way she stood there, apparently waiting for someone or something, radiated authority and strength._

_Lexa nodded again._

_“Her parents have named her Maura. Her fellow soldiers address her as recruit since she has to first prove herself worthy while she prefers to be called May by her friends. Do you see what I mean?”_

_Lexa watched the woman named Maura for a little longer until another woman approached her and greeted her with a kiss that left no doubt, it wasn’t their first and for a moment, she thought she’d seen Maura smile. It was that moment above all, that helped Lexa learn to accept her fate._

_Nodding again she said: “I’m never just one thing. Not just Lexa but also not just Heda. Right?”_

_Lexa looked up to meet the woman’s kind green eyes and was greeted by another smile. “You are very smart young Heda.”, she said and put her hand reassuringly on Lexa’s shoulder. “I can see why you were chosen.”_

_“Why?”, Lexa asked immediately, hoping for an answer to the question that hadn’t left her thoughts since._

_Anita’s smile widened. “You are very special, Lexa. You are nothing like your predecessors. You were not chosen for strength of body or skill with the sword but for what’s within you.”_

_Lexa furrowed her brows. If Anita thought she had given her an answer or been reassuring, she thought wrong. If anything, Lexa was even more confused now and it certainly didn’t help when people kept telling her she was neither physically what anyone expected from the leader of thousands of people nor anywhere near experienced enough to fulfill her duty._

_“And how does that help me?”, Lexa said, frustrated and looked back out the window. “How does whatever the hell is within me help me do what all those people are expecting of me?”_

_She felt Anita cover both her shoulders with her hands and the weight she put upon them felt strangely steadying._

_“The spirit will guide you. You have your sister to teach your body and Indra to offer you guidance when it comes to war, me to support you when it comes to you.”, Anita told her as she, too, looked out the window._

_Lexa took a deep breath and released it in a sigh. When would any of this start to make sense?_

_Anita then led her down the stone hallway lined with relics of their culture on the right and paintings of the previous Hedas to their left. Lexa was in awe at all the colors combined to create an image that looked almost as if they had framed an actual human head and every pair of eyes she passed, seemed to be looking straight at her. It was both intimidating and fascinating._

_At the end of the hallway Anita opened a door to a room much warmer than the rest of what she’d seen of the palace. A large tub was in its center and beneath it was a hole where a fire crackled along. The windows had been draped with heavy linen weaved with colors and pattern Lexa had never seen in any kind of fabric before she’d come to Polis. Candles were lit all over the room and in different sizes seamed the floor around the tub with some distance._

_Two young women stood left and right to the tub, dressed in a wisp of satin white nothing draped around their hips and chest, creating a beautiful contrast to their olive skin. They looked so similar, Lexa noticed, she wondered if they were sisters or maybe even twins._

_“Hello.”, Lexa said shyly. The women bowed deeply and Lexa felt herself flush with embarrassment. She was certain she would never get used to being treated this way. She definitely liked it better when she had only been Anya’s little sister who spent her days with the horse and out and about exploring and daydreaming._

_“The ceremony will take place tonight.”, Anita told her and Lexa felt her heart sink. She had known this was coming eventually but so far no one had said a word about it and given her time to just breathe and try and adjust. Though she hadn’t made much progress with the latter. Lexa was still hoping that, any minute now, all of this would go away. They would tell her it was just a mix up, a mistake, and things would go back to the way they were for her._

_Lexa swallowed hard as Anita led her to the tub by putting her hands on her shoulders once again and gently pushing her forwards._

_“Kindra and Pamena will prepare you.”, she introduced the two young women who bowed once again._

_Lexa felt more tears well up in her eyes but she did her best to keep them from falling or creating any sound in her throat, but they still made her tremble._

_Lexa felt herself being turned around by Anita. She crouched down again to level their eyes._

_“I know this is a lot to process. Especially when you haven’t been prepared. But the sooner you accept your fate, the sooner you will make peace and find the answers you are looking for.”, she told her and with her thumb and index finger she gently pushed Lexa’s chin upwards._

_“The spirit makes no mistakes. You were chosen because who you are is exactly what our people need.” She smiled at her and stroked her hair before she rose again to full height and headed for the heavy wooden doors that still stood ajar._

_She was just about to pull them shut behind her when Lexa called after her: “Anya. My sister. Can you bring her to me?”_

_Anita nodded and then half-bowed with both her hands on either door knob._

_“Certainly Commander.”, she said and pulled the doors shut behind her._

_Lexa felt so very lost standing in the middle of the room, being looked at admiringly and awestruck by the women to her left and right who began undressing her. Lexa wanted to kick and scream at them to leave her be but somehow she couldn’t. Her throat, her tongue didn’t respond to her thoughts. All she could do was stand there and be moved by the woman who took away all her clothes and with every item that fell to the floor, Lexa was trembling a little harder._

_Not even the pleasantly warm water smelling like cherry blossoms could comfort her shaking body she felt strangely trapped in. Kindra and Pamena first washed her hair, then scrubbed her skin so thoroughly, every inch of it felt like it was on fire and then washed her hair a few times more, muttering among themselves as it took them quite a while to get all her wild curls untangled._

_By the time she was allowed to step out of the water, her fingertips were shriveled and her scalp felt as if they had pulled at least half of her hair out._

_One of the women – Lexa had no idea who was who – wrapped her in a towel that was as soft as a horse’s muzzle and soothing to her scrubbed skin. She rubbed her down while the other one unfolded the white fabric that had been resting on a stool next to a chair that stood in front of a large mirror._

_Lexa had never seen any kind of fabric like it. It moved like water, yet even more smoothly and it somehow managed to catch and reflect the light of the candles like diamonds._

_When it was put on her body, she hardly felt it. It was as light as air but gave a comfortable warmth nonetheless. They wrapped her in it in a way that covered one shoulder entirely while leaving the other bare and reached down to her knees like a dress, except it didn’t feel anything like the kind of dress Lexa knew._

_The women gestured her to sit on the chair facing the mirror and now busied themselves with her long hair they soon realized, wasn’t just wild because Lexa didn’t take proper care but simply was and seemed to have a mind of its own._

_Lexa couldn’t see what they did with it on the back of her head, she only saw that they kept it from framing her face, making her face look much harder than what Lexa was used to when she saw her reflection on a water’s surface._

_Behind the colorful drapes covering the windows and keeping the warm air inside, Lexa could see the sun set, its burning light managing to shine through the tiny holes in between._

_Lexa’s heart felt heavier with every passing minute. Slowly the truth started sinking in. There was no way out of this. This was her fate and she just didn’t know how to own it._

_Would all those people looking to her – soldiers who have fought for their nation and survived more years than she was even old, families with kids her age, hard working men and women supplying the nation who have lived through and seen more than Lexa could even imagine – even accept a child as their leader?_

_The lack of tugging and pulling on the back of her head made Lexa aware that both women were now just standing behind her, looking at her with a mixture of satisfaction and expectancy. One of them held up a smaller oval mirror behind her and in its reflection she could see her wild curls tamed, the top layer braided into a sort of net decorated with white tiny blossoms._

_Lexa stood up and stared at herself in the mirror with her lips parted in amazement. If she didn’t know she was looking at her reflection, she wouldn’t recognize herself. Though she was as short as a girl her age simply was, she looked much more mature and a lot wiser than one would expect looking at a child._

_The wooden door to her right opened and pulled Lexa’s eyes away from the mirror. In the doorframe stood Anya, clutching one hand with the other in front of her and the way she met Lexa’s eyes, guilt-ridden and reluctantly, sent a sharp pain through Lexa’s heart._

_“You’ve sent for me, Heda.”, she said quietly and bowed obediently._

_For a moment Lexa stared at her, irritated by her behavior, but she remembered their last encounter the day before when an anger that wasn’t her own and not under her control had unleashed itself on her sister._

_Anya didn’t move and hardly seemed to dare looking at her so when Lexa moved towards her, running to close the little distance between them as quickly as possible, at first Anya stiffened visibly. When Lexa’s arms wrapped around her waist and she buried her face against her stomach, she could still feel her body rigid with fear._

_“I’m so sorry, An.”, Lexa whispered. “For everything I said and for yelling at you.”_

_She could feel Anya take a few shallow breaths that soon deepened when she finally relaxed and put her arms around Lexa’s small body, pulling her even closer._

_“It’s okay grasshopper.”, Anya said and exhaled in relief. “You were speaking the truth.”, she added with a bitter undertone._

_“Lexa pulled out of Anya’s arms and looked up at her. “No! No I wasn’t. And that wasn’t me saying all those things!”, she spluttered and realized, she hadn’t really said much since the selection._

_A small smile tug on Anya’s lips. She’d always been amused at how fast and how much Lexa could talk._

_Lexa became suddenly aware of the curious pairs of eyes watching them._

_“Umm…”, she began and wasn’t quite sure how to phrase her wish. “Would you…umm…would you mind leaving us alone for a few minutes? Please?”_

_The two young women exchanged a curious and slightly amused look before they nodded and bowing deeply, they left the room, closing the wooden door behind them._

_“I don’t think you have to be quite as polite anymore. You are their leader now.”, Anya told her and began exploring the room._

_Lexa knew Anya had a point. She’d never heard anyone in charge, be it a General or family or patriarch or tribe leader, say please or even ask but order and demand._

_“But it wouldn’t hurt, would it?”, Lexa said, wondering._

_Anya chuckled and Lexa felt her heart lift just a little at the sound. She watched her sister run her finger along the edge of the bathtub while her eyes glided over the candles all around them, their golden light now even more prominent as the sun had almost disappeared outside._

_“You look beautiful, grasshopper.”, Anya told her as she looked back at her and though she was smiling, Lexa could hear a melancholic undertone._

_“I’d rather see you in this.”, Lexa said honestly and pulled at the seam of her robe. “I’d rather you be the Commander.”_

_Anya took a deep breath and looked defeated as she sat on the edge of the tub. She put her hands in her lap and absentmindedly drew strange pattern with her fingers into the palm of the other hand._

_“Can I tell you a secret?”, Anya said after a moment of silence in which Lexa had joined her on the edge of the bathtub and watched her finger draw._

_“Always.”, Lexa said and looked curiously at her sister whose face was screwed up in guilt in the kind of pain one carried only in their heart._

_“I’m –“, she began but her voice seemed to fail her. Lexa noticed the tears swimming in the bottom of her eyes and she put her hand on her sister’s arm, squeezing it gently._

_Anya looked at her as the tears started rolling down one of her cheeks. “I’m glad that I’m not.”, she whispered._

_Lexa furrowed her brows in confusion. Since the selection absolutely nothing made any sense anymore._

_“But…but why? You have worked so hard for it!”_

_“There’s a reason I wasn’t chosen, Lexa. I just don’t think I have what it takes and no amount of training or strength or fighting skills can change that and I think I’ve always known. That’s why I was so afraid of the selection. Deep down I knew I couldn’t keep my promise, that I wouldn’t be chosen. I’m just not the right person.”_

_Anya seemed relieved as she looked at Lexa now and a sad smile tug on her lips. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t fair to you at all. I still really do wish I could take that burden off you.”_

_She covered Lexa’s hand with her own. “And I do truly think our people will only benefit with you as Heda. You are not driven by revenge or hatred or ambition but kindness and compassion and above everything, your incredible sense for what’s right and what’s wrong. You have always been the kindest and fairest person I have ever known.”_

_Lexa swallowed. Somehow, Anya’s words took away a little bit of the fear that had settled inside her heart and she felt a strange sensation she’d never really felt before: pride._

_Until she remembered what had happened to her when she’d learned the truth the day before and worry wrapped tightly around her stomach. She dropped her eyes and concerned began chewing her bottom lip._

_“Anya, you know how everyone always talks about the Commander’s spirit?”, she said, not sure how to put in words what she’d experienced._

_“Yes, of course. Why?”_

_“What do you suppose that means?”, Lexa asked, looking back at her sister and for a moment, she looked past her and seemed to be lost in thought._

_“I’ve wondered about that so many times.”, she finally began. “They always told me, the Commander would know what to do, that the spirit would be their guide but to be honest, I never really understood what exactly that meant.”_

_Anya’s dark eyes shifted back to her sister as if she had just realized something._

_“Can you feel it?”, she whispered, almost as if she didn’t dare speak it out loud._

_Lexa hesitated and then nodded slightly. “I…I think so. It’s like…I’m not alone in my head and my body anymore. I can feel things that…that don’t belong to me. They make sense but they’re not mine. Feelings and thoughts and…I think experiences?”_

_Lexa’s cheeks had turned red and hot as she spoke. She felt somewhat foolish and she didn’t know how to describe it better._

_“Like yesterday. What I said to you, it made sense and I felt angry and betrayed but at the same time I know you just wanted to protect me and I really just wanted to tell you that I understand but…I don’t know, I think my own thoughts weren’t strong enough.”_

_Anya stared at her, her face motionless and much paler than before. Her dark eyes were fixed on Lexa, disbelief and amazement glistening in their depth._

_“Does…does that make any sense?”, Lexa asked sheepishly._

_A frown slowly appeared on Anya’s face. “I think yes. I think I understand what you mean but I can’t say I thought it would actually be this present. I always imagined it to be more…spiritual.”_

_Lexa shook her head. “Definitely not spiritual, no.”_

_The wooden doors were opened and pulled Lexa’s and Anya’s eyes on the entering people._

_Anita lead two hooded figures into the room, much taller than her with broader shoulders, their faces completely swallowed by the darkness their hood created._

_“It is time.”, Anita announced and Lexa felt a shiver of panic run down her spine._

_The cloaked men stood left and right of the door frame while Anita gestured Lexa to leave the room. With knees that felt too weak to support her weight, she did what she was asked. As she reached Anita, she looked back at her sister._

_A small smile twitched in the corner of her sister’s mouth as she nodded encouragingly and reassuringly at her._

_“I love you, grasshopper.”, she whispered as Lexa turned to face the corridor now lit with torches left and right. The hooded men started moving and Anita gestured her to follow them. Lexa hardly felt the ground beneath her feet or her body for that matter as she was guided along the hallway._

_They took a right turn and walked into a hall with a large flight of stairs in its middle that seemed to lead directly into the night sky. More torches seamed her way._

_Lexa’s heart was pounding faster, the further they walked up the stairs. Reaching its top, she realized it ended in a large balcony of sort. She was at least 30 feet from the stone carved railing away but even from here she could see the sea of torches and candles lighting up the streets and though she couldn’t see all the people holding them, she knew there were hundreds looking up, waiting to catch a glimpse of her._

_Lexa froze, her heart beating so hard and fast in her chest, she was getting dizzy. Her little hands were trembling at either side of her. The cloaked men were now framing her were so tall next to her, when Lexa looked up at them, their dark hoods got lost against the night sky._

_Someone was standing at the edge of the balcony and was now raising both hands._

_“People of Polis.”, a strangely familiar voice spoke to the crowd beneath them and after moment of thinking, Lexa realized it was the woman from the cave when the spirit had chosen her._

_“Over the past days we have mourned our Heda’s death and honored her leadership, her service to us all. She has brought great honor to our nation.”, she addressed the people in the streets and earned approving screams and whistling._

_Again the woman raised her arms to quiet the crowd and they obeyed almost instantly._

_“But it is time to look ahead. We have fought many battles and won and lost many wars but we are still not free. Or safe. The Mountain still casts its shadow upon us and the other nations are envious of our land, our resources, our secrets.”_

_The woman paused for a moment and Lexa could hear the crowd murmur._

_“So today, people of Polis, let us celebrate the rising of the Commander’s spirit.”_

_Loud cheering and enthusiastic yelling filled the air but Lexa heard hardly anything, her heart was racing so hard and fast now, its beats ringing in her ears._

_The woman turned around turned around and nodded at something behind Lexa. The next second, Lexa felt Anita’s hands on her shoulders again, gently pushing her forward but Lexa was frozen to the spot._

_She felt dizzy with panic and fear and too overwhelmed and yet, after a moment’s hesitation, she suddenly felt her legs move on their own account, making her feel as if she was the co-driver in her own body._

_Her strides, Lexa noticed amazed, were steady and taken with pride as she left Anita behind. Her chin was held high and back much straighter than she usually stood or walked and while it was an odd experience, Lexa was relieved she could just surrender and let things happen without having to actively do anything._

_As she reached the railing hiding her from the middle of her torso down and making her appear even shorter, the sea of people to her feet fell silent the instant she appeared. Torches lit up her face while she could only make out silhouettes for the most part._

_She didn’t need to see their faces though. She could hear the irritated whispers buzz all around her the next second and felt even smaller now, even more sure all of this could only have been one giant mistake._

_For a moment longer, Lexa felt all of her fear and panic create a whirlwind of chaos in her head, felt her heart pound harder and faster than it did when she ran as fast as she could and then it all seemed to collapse within her._

_A strange warm ease claimed her body, calmed her heart and focused her thoughts. She felt her muscles relax and breaths grow even and deep._

_When she looked down at the crowd now, their irritation and doubt still filling the air, she didn’t feel intimidated or unworthy but proud and in the back of her mind, a little annoyed at the suspicion she met._

_Lexa’s arm slowly rose into the air until it was stretched out and pointed with her index and middle finger towards the sky while the tips of her thumb, ring and little finger met in front of her palm._

_Again the crowd beneath her fell silent and Lexa, though she’d done it naturally and like it wasn’t her first time, realized it was the Commander’s hand sign._

_The silence beneath her felt thick and uneasy and for a second Lexa’s own thoughts disrupted the confidence in her head like a stone thrown into a quiet lake caused ripples._

_What if the people simply refused to accept her as their leader? What if they all rebelled against her? Could she abdicate? Lexa felt her heart sink just a little. The spirit was only released with the death of the body it had chosen, she told herself. Would they kill her to release it, hoping it would choose someone –_

_Her thoughts were drowned in a strange kind of blissful white noise telling her to savor this moment and help the people to look past her physical appearance._

_To her left, Anita had joined her and she could feel her grow concerned, her fingers clutching the railing and her breaths grow faster and more shallow as she stared at the crowed, her eyes skimming over them as if she was searching for something. And a few seconds later seemed to have found it. Her body sunk a little as the tension faded from her muscles and she exhaled in obvious relief._

_And then Lexa saw it, too. A few people were mirroring her salutation, their fingers pointing up at her and slowly more and more were following their example until every arm in the streets was in the air signaling their acceptance._

_In that moment Lexa understood – not in its entity just yet but the general idea – that what they’d said about the spirit guiding the chosen one wasn’t just a story. She felt it, right there watching over all those people – **her** people – the spirit was within her and a part of her now. Or maybe she was a part of it? Whichever way it was, it felt as much of a blessing as it felt like a curse. _

_And Lexa would come to this conclusion many times more in her reign._

 


	18. Chapter 18

The skin around his eyes was cracked, his flesh oozing secret. His lips were chapped and the skin on his neck had partly disappeared. It was like staring at death itself, except for his eyes. They were alive and burning. Burning with hatred as they stared back at Clarke.

 

He was sitting on a chair in the middle of his little glass chamber Raven had somehow managed to build for him using an airlock from the Ark and her brilliant mind and created a room he could survive in without a suit. He was wheezing, indicating that his lungs had been damaged during the exposure, too.

 

“I know you’re in a lot of pain. We can help you, you know.”, Clarke told him. She had tried asking him questions before but all he had done was stare at her with the same insane expression of bloodlust and agony.

 

“What do you know about pain, little girl.”, he croaked and though he was obviously in a lot of it, still managed to sound snide.

 

Clarke didn’t let it unsettle her. She took a step towards the glass barrier in between them and could feel her mother’s and Kane’s eyes following her closely and though she couldn’t see them, she knew exactly the look of condescension in them. Neither of them believed she could talk the Mountain Man into helping them.

 

“I grew up inside a prison, just like you. Mine was up in space and just like you I never got to feel the sunlight on my skin, never knew what it felt like to swim in a lake or the snow fall onto my skin. For us it wasn’t exposure but our ventilation system was damaged and we were running out of air. My people have had to live in a prison just as long as yours. I understand _that_ pain.”, Clarke said and didn’t have to fake her sincerity.

 

She did understand. They were all – grounders, the people inside the mountain and her own – united by the mere fact they all just wanted to survive. And in pursuing the most basic of instincts found it to be most effective to achieve it by killing the others.

 

For a moment, she thought she saw something flicker across his eyes but it was gone before she could be sure.

 

“I know you take the grounders as prisoners to use their blood and heal your own.”, she said and paused hoping for any kind of reaction from her opposite, but he just sat there, his elbows on his knees, his features a mask of determined loathing underneath all the wounds the exposure had caused.

 

“Have you ever thought to ask for their help instead of using them like they are worth no more than to be killed for her their blood?”

 

The man snorted.

 

“I suppose you believe in magic wands and healing hands, too, then.”, he said mockingly and grinned dismissively. His teeth appeared momentarily behind his dry, sore lips and showed them red with his own blood.

 

“Listen, kid, of course we would all rather live happily ever after but life on earth just doesn’t work that way. Eat or be eaten. Or do you think the wolf asks the deer if he could, pretty please, have a piece of its ass?”

 

He ended with a cough that sent his blood spraying and Clarke felt frustration tense her muscles. He was dying right in front of her and still too stubborn to cooperate.

 

“You don’t have to worry about that grounder scum anyways.”, he added, wiping away the blood running down his chin with his hand. “We don’t need them anymore.”

 

Clarke felt a rush of rage pulse through her veins at his words. The way he spoke about Lexa’s people hit her harder than she thought it would and probably should and yet, it felt like he was talking about her own. Her hands clenched to fists at her sides. She took a deep breath and reminded herself that she needed him, that he played a vital part in her plan to free Bellamy and everyone else in that mountain.

 

“How come?”, Clarke asked and it took all her self-control to keep her voice light and matter-of-factly.

 

The man grinned and with his skin melting off his flesh it made his face appear like grimace from a nightmare.

 

“’Cause we got a cure. Soon we’ll all be out here with you, too. We’ll see how brave you are then.”, he coughed more than he actually spoke and it took away the threat in his words but it didn’t undermine their meaning.

 

“A cure?”, she repeated, hoping she would get him to elaborate but another coughing fit shook his body and sent more blood spraying from his mouth as he toppled over and was now on all four. He was convulsing and coughing and gasping for air in between and it lasted for so long, Clarke was sure it would only stop when his heart did.

 

At last, his lungs found some rest and allowed him to catch his breath, though she could hear every single one rattle in and out of his chest.

 

He wouldn’t last much longer, a few minutes at best. With panic chasing her heart, her thoughts raced through her head, weighing all her options and within seconds she knew there was only one way to keep her hope alive.

 

She ordered her mother to get the bag with the medical supplies and simply ignored her questioning and irritated look of being given orders by her daughter as if she wasn’t the chancellor or their people.

 

“I know it’s easy to get cynical so I’ll show you that people can still care.”, Clarke told their prisoner and took the bag from her mother when it was offered to her. She took a small tube from it and two syringes and added one to either end of it.

 

“Raven, can we get this in there without contamination?”, she asked her friend who had stood and watched quietly in the corner. For a moment Raven frowned but her forehead smoothed over the next second as she seemed to understand what Clarke had planned.

 

“Are you sure that is a good idea?”, she said as she approached Clarke. “I don’t think he will tell us anything even if you help him.”

 

Clarke felt her impatience grow into anger and she gritted her teeth as she took a deep breath to keep herself from snapping at Raven.

 

“Can we get this in there, yes or no?”, Clarke repeated and Raven understood.

 

When she nodded, Clarke pushed one end of the syringe into her hand and added a rubber band from the bag.

 

“Clarke, what do you think you –“, her mother said in disbelief but fell silent as Clarke scowled at her.

 

“I know you don’t care. About Bellamy or the others. After all you’ve accepted all our deaths once already. But _I_ do care and I _will do_ whatever the hell it takes to get them out there so you can either help or get out. But don’t dare stand in my way.”, Clarke said, calmly and without haste but her voice was vibrating with anger and frustration. In that moment she knew, she could never forgive her mother for what she’d done. To her father. To herself.

 

And Clarke was almost certain Abby realized it, too. Her eyes met Clarke’s with resignation and pain underneath but it didn’t move Clarke at all. If anything, she felt a trace of victory.

 

Abby nodded submissively and Clarke didn’t care how her mother was mourning their lost relationship.

 

When Clarke looked back at her prisoner, Raven had managed to get part of the tube and one of the syringes into his chamber and it hadn’t made him worse as far as she could tell, not that he could get much worse without dying.

 

“I hope you know how to find a vein.”, Clarke said, taking off her jacket and felt with her index and middle finger for the artery on her left wrist.

 

The Mountain Man wanted to say something but all that left his lips was another coughing fit, shaking him violently.

 

“Whatever smartass thing you want to say, save it for later.”, Clarke told him through gritted teeth and narrowed her eyes at him, staring into his blood shot ones. For the first time she saw more than spite and sneer in their depth. She saw fear and a pain that wasn’t caused by his dissolving flesh.

 

“Listen, if I wanted you dead, I would just wait a few more minutes. I want to help you. I want to keep you alive. You can still be stubborn and ignorant. My blood can’t force you to help us but it will save your life. So unless you want to die, take that damn needle while you can.”, Clarke more growled than said while he just stared at her and it was like she saw his life disappear from his eyes a little more with every passing second.

 

His skin had turned grey and cold sweat was running down either side of his face. His entire body was trembling as he stared back at her.

 

When he finally wrapped the rubber band around his upper arm and pumped his fist to help him find a vein, Clarke exhaled heavily, realizing only as she panted, that she’d held her breath. Tears of relief shot into her eyes.

 

It took her a moment to manage to blink them away before she used the little bit of alcohol left in her mother’s bag and disinfect her wrist. Slowly she ease the needle into her artery. Her wrist felt on fire the moment the sharp tip pierced the blood vessel. The tube filled with bright red blood that made its way past the glass wall and directly into the Mountain Man’s body.

 

Clarke looked up and found him kneeling on the floor, staring at his arm as if he was expecting something terrible to happen but for a while – a much too long time Clarke thought – nothing happened at all.

 

No one said a word while her heart pumped her blood into his body, the silence around them heavy and thick with all the things everyone had on their minds but didn’t dare say.

 

Clarke could feel her mother’s eyes on her. She knew they were filled with concern but not just. She could feel Kane’s disapproving look and Raven’s sceptic but worried one but the only eyes Clarke paid attention to, were those of the man opposite her.

 

They kept staring at each other like predator and prey, though Clarke wasn’t sure which role he’d given her in this scenario. His eyes were filled with a chaos of emotions; she just couldn’t tell if he was more afraid than he was ready to kill her. After all, to kill is what brought him here in the first place.

 

“Why did they send you here?”, Clarke finally broke the silence and sunk onto her knees, sitting on her heels, mirroring his position. She was starting to feel dizzy.

 

“What do you think?”, he wheezed but seemed a little more cooperative. He shifted to the side so he could lean against one wall of his prison, carefully holding the needle in place as he did. He stared at the entry point and seemed to watch her blood be pumped into his body.

 

“I don’t know what to think anymore.”, she said quietly and tucked a loose strand of dirty blonde hair behind her ear, looking at the ground like it held the answer.

 

“I’m starting to get the feeling.”, the Mountain Man said in between heavy breaths.

 

Clarke looked back at him, her eyes slightly narrowed with curiosity. He took a moment before he looked from the syringe in his arm to her but when he did, they met hers a little softer than before.

 

“You are one of the girls the missile was meant for, aren’t you?”, he then asked, shifting a little so he could look at her a bit more comfortably.

 

Clarke could hear Raven suck in the air sharply in surprised shock behind her and felt three pairs of eyes staring at the back of her head. She took a deep breath, hoping it would steady her voice enough so her mother couldn’t tell she was lying, something she had almost always been able to.

 

“Am I?”, she retorted, faking a frown.

 

“Yeah. You’re that girl that escaped from Mount Weather, aren’t you?”, he said, his voice weak and hoarse with what sounded to Clarke like excitement. “You’ve got some guts girl, jumping down that dam.”

 

A small smile tug on Clarke’s lips. It had been one of her braver moments, thought the choice was between jumping and being killed.

 

“It’s all about alternatives. If given the right ones, everything’s possible.”, she said and could hear her voice slightly slurred in her own ears. Points of light started dancing around the Mountain Man’s face.

 

“You were talking about a cure before.”, Clarke said, shaking her head and pressed her palm against one eye, hoping the momentary blackness would help her eyes to lose the irritation but the dots of light kept dancing in the darkness.

 

“What is this cure?”, she said and felt suddenly strangely light, her stomach as if it was stuffed with cotton.

 

“We are.”, her mother breathed in as much shock as there was surprise in her voice. When Clarke turned around to look at her mother, the world started spinning and took a moment of staring at Abby’s face before it stood still again. She was staring at their prisoner, her features slowly hardening.

 

“Right? We are your goddamn cure.”, she said angrily.

 

Clarke turned around, confused, and caused her head to spin once more. When the Mountain Man came into focus again she understood what her mother meant.

 

He was healing right before their very eyes. They couldn’t actively see it but he looked healthier with every passing minute, his pale skin gaining color, his blisters retracting and his breathing grew steadier and less audible.

 

He seemed to notice it only now, too, and was staring at his steady hands with his lips parted and eyes filled with amazement.

 

“Answer me. You are using our people to save yours, aren’t you?”, Abby now shouted. She’d stepped up to the glass, her jaw clenching as she stared at him and finally drew his eyes up to meet hers.

 

When the man nodded, he didn’t seem as indifferent and cold and Clarke thought, he even looked slightly guilty and ashamed.

 

Abby hit angrily against the glass with her flat hand and caused the Mountain Man to flinch at the sudden sound and her aggression.

 

“They’re probably already all dead.”, Abby snarled and Clarke knew she was looking down at her.

 

“We’re wasting time while they can eliminate the only advantage we had over them.”, she continued exasperated but her voice only reached Clarke as if she was shouting at her from a mile away. Her head felt light and heavy at the same time, her insides like ball of snakes withering around.

 

She felt herself tremble before she felt a strange iciness spread through her body but her mind was still occupied with the thought of being too late, of Bellamy and her friends having died so the people inside Mount Weather could leave their prison. Of their dead bodies with wide open eyes staring at her, lifeless yet accusingly.

 

“That’s enough.”, she heard Raven say angrily and felt herself being dragged to her feet. A sharp pain on her wrist made her wince slightly as she was being leaned against the glass wall to offer her some support. Her knees felt nonexistent and even the dim light inside the tent too bright. She had to blink several times before she could make out Raven who was applying a pressure bandage to her wrist.

 

“Seriously. We are all in this together. How about we act like it for a change.”, she muttered furiously under her breath as she tied the end of the bandage to a knot, her face nothing more than a blur shifting in an out of focus in front of Clarke but the glimpse she got of it showed it screwed up in anger and a glare in her dark eyes that was aimed towards Abby.

 

“Come on, Clarke. You need to lie down. You really overdid it this time.”, she whispered near Clarke’s ear and dragged her along and while Clarke wanted to protest, her body didn’t obey. In fact, she couldn’t feel much of it anymore except for the cold spreading through her, making her teeth clatter.

 

She didn’t take much notice of what happened next, her mind got lost in what felt like a sea of cotton and her thoughts were as slow as molasses, sounding strangely distorted in her head and everything seemed much too bright.

 

* * *

 

 

When the world came back into focus, the sounds regaining their normal speed and her thoughts finally found their order again, night had fallen once again. An oil lamp was standing on a make shift table in the corner, painting a half circle of light onto half of the inside of the tent she found herself in. The field bed she had been put on was standing opposite it and in the dark.

 

To Clarke it felt like she had just been staring into their prisoner’s bloodshot eyes but she realized at least a few hours had to have passed since.

 

“How long –“, she began but her voice was too hoarse, the words left her lips in nothing more than a croaking sound. She cleared her throat and found it was painfully dry. “How long have I been out?”, she managed but in hardly more than a whisper.

 

The silhouette sitting at the table with its back to her stirred and turned around and only for a moment could she see Raven’s features before they were swallowed again by the darkness. The lamp’s light fell on her in an angel that lit up the very opposite of what Clarke saw of her.

 

“Couple of hours.”, she said nonchalantly, or at least that’s what she wanted to sound like, Clarke noticed. Raven had a hard time showing when she cared.

 

“That was really stupid of you, by the way.”, she added when Clarke sat up and put her feet on the ground, rubbing her head that still felt clogged.

 

“Thank you.”, Clarke muttered noticing the bandage around her wrist.

 

“Anytime.”, Raven said and got up to join Clarke on her field bed. “For what it’s worth, I think you definitely increased the chance he is going to help us. Next time just try not to almost kill yourself in the process."

 

Raven nudged her own shoulder gently against Clarke’s and when she looked at her, she could see that half smile with one raised eyebrow looking caringly at her.

 

 “Can I ask you something?”, Raven said into the silence Clarke had found comforting as she tried gathering herself and found her body weak and tired from the transfusion.

 

“You just did.”, she said wearily and put her head into her hands. She would love to just give into her body’s desire to sleep for days and catch up on all the rest it had only ever gotten when it had simply taken it through unconsciousness.

 

“Very funny, ha ha.”, Raven said with mock-amusement and Clarke heard her take a deep breath.

 

“What is going on between you and Lexa.”, she said after a moment of audible hesitation and faster than she normally talked.

 

Clarke felt her heart skip a beat at the mention of Lexa’s name and what she thought Raven was implying. She didn’t dare look at her friend, fearing her eyes would betray her if she did.

 

“Hmmm?”, she hummed hoping to sound as innocent as possible. “What do you mean?”

 

Clarke could feel Raven’s interrogating eyes fixed upon her and her cheeks feltvery hot all of a sudden.

 

“I mean”, she said, shifting next to her so she could look at her comfortably. “That you have been muttering her name in your sleep. More than once. And not in the ‘I want to kill you’ kind of way, if you know what I mean.”

 

Clarke felt her cheeks turn even hotter. She did know what Raven meant and though she had – briefly, once or twice - caught herself thinking in that direction, she couldn’t imagine that in a time like this, her subconscious would have time to fantasize in her sleep.

 

“I don’t think I have.”, Clarke said and took a few deep breaths, hoping it would counter the color of her flush.

 

“Oh you most definitely have.”, Raven said instantly and with such determination that Clarke tried remembering anything but between now and when Raven had lead her away was only blackness.

 

“What exactly are you implying?”, Clarke said as calmly as she could manage and finally dared looking at Raven. “That I have a thing for the grounder princess and want to shag her all night long?”, Clarke said mockingly, hoping her bold approach would make Raven see how ridiculous her thoughts were, even though they really weren’t.

 

To Clarke’s surprise however, Raven’s brows furrowed in surprise and if Clarke wasn’t entirely mistaken, realization.

 

“Oh my god.”, she breathed. “I was only teasing you. I thought you had just spent so much time together and she had been annoying you with her…grounder-y attitude like all of us but you really _do_ have a thing for, don’t you?”

 

Clarke felt her cheeks burn up once more and dropped her eyes, staring at the ground. She felt shame add to her embarrassment. Talking to Raven, she realized how it must look. How quickly she had moved on from Finn and she couldn’t tell Raven of all people, that now she had all those feelings for Lexa she still tried denying, she understood what she’d felt for Finn hadn’t been what she had wanted it to be.

 

“Oh my god.”, Raven repeated. “Do you realized how insane that is?”, she added and her voice was getting shriller.

 

“Shh, I know how it sounds!”, Clarke said quietly and looked at her pleadingly to keep her voice down. She didn’t need her mother and Kane or anyone else to find out about this.

 

“Do you? I mean do you _really_?”, Raven asked and her voice was close to sounding completely hysterical and Clarke was certain half Camp Jaha had perked its ears.

 

It was strange how Clarke had felt guilty for developing those feelings for Lexa in the midst of a war when lives depended on her and her friends in danger. How she’d felt like a traitor for finding herself longing to be with someone who had hunted them and could still turn back into their enemy.

 

How she could think of a million reasons why she couldn’t – shouldn’t – yet none of them criticized the simple fact that she had those feelings.

 

Now, though, looking into Raven’s shocked face, meeting her disapproving and blaming eyes, she felt very small and very wrong. The fact she felt something more for Lexa made her feel like she had turned into the very enemy she was trying to protect her people from.

 

A dark feeling was working its way through her insides and though her heart wasn’t racing, every single beat felt like it was pounding twice as hard and painfully against her ribcage.

 

“I can’t believe you!”, Raven exclaimed and got up. She started pacing back and forth.

 

Clarke dropped her eyes again, shame wrapping around her stomach, making her feel sick. She didn’t even know how to explain it or defend herself. What could she possibly say that made sense? If she thought about it, logically, Raven was absolutely right.

 

But that’s the thing about love, isn’t it? Logic doesn’t apply to it. And as strange as Clarke felt in this moment, as horrible and out of place, a traitor to her own people – the fact that she had just thought she loved Lexa hadn’t felt anything but true.

 

“I don’t expect you to understand. To be honest, I don’t understand it myself.”, Clarke said quietly towards the ground Raven was pacing on and in her sight, her black boots came to rest.

 

Her eyes followed them to her legs and further up until they hesitantly met Raven’s dark eyes.

 

“I don’t know how it happened or why. And trust me, I wish it hadn’t, I wish I could undo it.”, she said hoarsely and clenched her hands desperately around the edge of the field bed.

 

She wanted to get up to be on eye level with Raven, thinking it would make her feel less small and pathetic as Raven looking down on her. But even sitting, her knees felt too wobbly, her legs too weak to even try and see if they would support her. Every bit of energy her body had to offer was being used up by this conversation.

 

There was a chaos in the depth of Raven’s dark eyes that felt very familiar, but the way she glared at her was still intimidating. Clarke didn’t owe her anything, yet she felt like she had to convince Raven. Convince her that – well what exactly, she thought? That this didn’t mean anything? Change anything?

 

“What exactly are you angry at me for?”, Clarke sad, holding her piercing glance. “For feeling something for Lexa because of who she is or for feeling something for someone else but Finn?”

 

A flicker shot through Raven’s eyes at her words and she turned to look a way for a moment. Clarke could see the muscles in her jaw clench.

 

“Just don’t forget who your people are.”, Raven said bitterly without looking at her and without another word or glance, left Clarke alone in the tent.

 

Clarke exhaled heavily and felt her head spin once again. She buried it between her knees and took some deep breaths to help her body find some steadiness and more importantly, her mind.

 

For days she’d had one goal and one goal only and while she didn’t seem to get any closer to achieving it, a million other things kept happening, side tracking and weakening her. A part of her was wishing herself back up into space into her little cell where boredom was her biggest enemy and she could spend her time imagining into a better place.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please forgive any inaccuracies when it comes to the medical stuff. I don't really have any knowledge and don't know anyone who does.


	19. Chapter 19

A hundred yards had never felt this far as they did on iron heavy legs and the fact it had started raining once again, turning the dirt into slippery mud, didn’t make it any easier. Her heart was pounding as if she’d just sprinted a mile, her mouth felt painfully dry and she was soaked by the time she had more stumbled than walked into the tent with the glass chamber.

 

Raindrops were dripping from her chin and the tips of her hair as she put her palms flat on the glass wall and stared inside where the man was sitting on the floor with his legs propped up, arms resting on his knees. He was leaning back against the glass wall, his eyes closed and Clarke’s mouth stood open in amazement as she looked at him.

 

If she didn’t know any better, she’d think she had been unconscious for days, maybe weeks. There was hardly any sign left of the damage the exposure had done to his body. Almost all his sore skin had healed up and while she could see his chest heave steadily with his breaths, he took every single one as silently as she did.

 

“I was wondering when you’d come back.”, he said quietly though his voice was strong. He looked up at her and seemed unnaturally calm, his eyes empty of any emotion and it made her angry. She felt weak and broken, was sore and tired while he sat there, seemingly rested and in comparison, much healthier than she was or at least felt.

 

“What are you doing to my people?”, Clarke asked and had no strength left to hide her desperation. She stared at him, pleadingly. Not only for an answer but for an answer that would tell her, her friends were okay. But deep down she knew they weren’t. Deep down she knew too much time had passed to bring all of them home safely.

 

He dropped his eyes and the way he did it, the way he hesitated, Clarke could tell, he wasn’t proud of what happened inside Mountain Weather.

 

“They’re taking their marrow.”, he said without looking up.

 

Clarke felt her heart sink and stomach clench to a point where she was glad she didn’t remember her last meal or she was certain she would throw every bit of it up right now.

 

Her knees gave in and she sank to the ground and in that moment, she didn’t care that he witnessed her weakness, physical and emotional. All she could think of was, that she had failed. Was there even still one of them alive in there? What if they somehow managed to get into Mount Weather and all they would find were their dead bodies, abused and used and thrown away like they were nothing but trash.

 

Hot tears filled the bottom of her eyes and her mind started racing, not wanting to accept any of it and like a ping pong ball, thoughts and ideas shot through her head, back and forth. For a while she sat there, frozen, with her tears blurring her vision but she didn’t need to see anyway.

 

And then she blinked, sending her tears rolling down her cheeks as her head shot round, searching for the Mountain Man.

 

“You want marrow?”, she asked, her voice hoarse and the words left her lips in a haste. “We are ten times the people here than you hold prisoner. If everyone donates voluntarily, no one needs to die. Not us, not you.”

 

Clarke was turning around as she spoke, putting her palms against the glass again and looking at him with eyes widened by the flicker of hope she held on to.

 

The Mountain Man frowned. “You wouldn’t do that.”, he said dismissively.

 

“I just saved your goddamn life with my blood. What more do you need to trust me?”, Clarke said, her voice somewhere between anger and desperation.

 

He looked at her and Clarke felt as if he wanted to see beyond her flesh and bones, see the thoughts that had just tumbled and swirled through her head.

 

She held her breath, knowing that if he made up his mind, it was this moment.

 

“Even if, Dante would never take a deal like that. He has what we need, he won’t risk losing it.”, he said after a few moments and his voice didn’t sound as indifferent anymore.

 

“ _It_ are my friends. _It_ are people no less than you.”, Clarke said, her fear shaking in her voice as she clenched her hands to fists against the glass wall. She wanted to hit him until he would finally find some sense and his conscience.

 

“They feel and love and are loved. They are _alive_ and if you don’t help me put an end to this insanity than their blood is on your hands. Can you really live with yourself knowing _kids_ had to die when there is another way?”

 

Now it was Clarke’s turn to stare at him like she could read the thoughts off his face and to a degree she realized she could. She could see him considering her words and slowly affect him. His features darkened and hardened but he stayed quiet and finally, his eyes met hers with determination.

 

“What way?”, he asked and this time, there was no mockery in his voice. He was ready to help. Clarke felt her heart race with relief and new found hope. There was still a chance. She might be too late for some and she would have to live with that for the rest of her life. But maybe there was still enough time left to bring some of them home.

 

 

“Are you completely out of your mind?”, Abby yelled, unable to keep her voice down. Clarke had just told her mother, Kane and Raven who avoided her eyes, the plan to safe their people.

 

“This is madness. This is absolute insanity. We can’t trust him. He will kill you or get you killed the first chance he gets.”, she continued in a high pitched voice and stared at Clarke in disbelief and like she was trying to figure out if her daughter had lost her mind.

 

“Not to mention you are too weak to even make it there. I’m not even talking about anything beyond that.”, Kane commented, much calmer than Abby and Clarke thought he didn’t think her plan was all that insane. Maybe not all thought through and with room for improvement but he didn’t seem entirely against it.

 

“Do you have a better idea? Any idea? Any way to get into Mount Weather? Any plan to safe our people? _Anything_ at all?”, Clarke asked calmly but couldn’t keep her anger towards her mother completely out of her voice.

 

“Because doing nothing and leaving them in there to die is not an option.”, she added determined, her voice stronger as was her body after she’d had time to eat before facing this exact argument.

 

Abby looked sheepishly at the ground and crossed her arms to her chest, biting the inside of her lip.

 

“Okay then.”, Clarke said. “It’s settled.”

 

“And how do you think you will convince everyone to give marrow to the very people that have probably already killed our own?”, Abby retorted.

 

“They are not.”, Clarke barked at her instantly.

 

“They are not dead.”, she repeated, a little softer this time. It wasn’t like she hadn’t had the exact thought as her mother, but she refused to accept it. For now, she had decided, she would not give up on hope.

 

“And convincing them will be your part. You are the chancellor after all.”, Clarke said after a moment of silent and couldn’t help provoking tone of voice that left her throat. She raised her eyebrows daringly but her mother just stared at her.

 

Without leaving her more time to find her voice, Clarke turned around and left the tent. As she stepped outside, for the first time in days she was granted the warming sensation of sunlight on her skin. Looking up, she found the heavy dark clouds that had been hanging over them this morning had disappeared.

 

For a moment she paused and put her head back to feel the sunlight on her face. She had gotten used to a lot of things common on earth she hadn’t known up in space, but sunlight still had that tails-told-about-and-imagined-a million-times-mystique because for the most part since they had arrived on earth, it had been hidden behind clouds and fog.

 

She felt herself smiling and for a moment was granted the feeling of pure happiness.

 

But it didn’t take long before her mind kicked into gear again, reminding her that her friends were granted a moment like this being held prisoners, being used as walking and talking cures and if she didn’t get them out of there soon, they never would get the chance to either.

 

* * *

 

 

Half an hour later, after Clarke had radioed to Ton DC and brought Octavia up to speed, the Mountain Man was applying the last piece of tape to his suit to ensure no radiation could enter. Clarke’s blood had countered the damage done but it wasn’t enough to make him immune.

 

He fastened his oxygen tank to his back. It was one of the few that been stored on the Ark and survived the impact with earth. When he was all set up he nodded and Raven, grudgingly but without saying one word, opened the airlock.

 

The man inside the suit held his breath as did Clarke. Either of them expected there to be a tear in the suit that had gone undetected or a valve to malfunction and so he just stood there, staring with horror in his eyes at Clarke and while they were surrounded by a handful of people, it felt almost as if they were alone. No one dared say a word. If it was because of the situation or because no one really approved of the plan Clarke was about to execute, she couldn’t tell, nor did it matter. Clarke had reached a point where she had learned that she couldn’t, no matter how hard she tried, please everyone. She just had to decide for herself what was more important and her mother’s approval was not it.

 

As the seconds ticked by, his anxiety slowly seemed to disappear. Clarke couldn’t make out any visible changes, either.

 

At last, he dared stepping out of his chamber and Clarke could feel everyone but herself inside the tent instantly tense and be alert as if they were expecting him to attack all of them the next second.

 

Truth be told, Clarke wasn’t sure he would honor their agreement either but what choice did she have? He was their best and really their only chance.

 

And so Clarke turned around and lead the way outside, disregarding her mother’s and Kane’s eyes as she passed them and stepped with her head held high and jaw clenched in determination, into the sunlight.

 

Camp Jaha’s occupants had gathered around the tent in a half circle and row after row angry faces were staring at them. She knew all of them wanted to use the man in the hazmat suit to revenge those they had lost and neither understood why he was allowed to walk free and return to his people.

 

Their hands were clenched to fists, some of them even held self-made weapons like spears and axes made of wood and parts of the Ark. The aggression and tension filling the air caused the three horses being held by two grounder guards Lexa had sent with them to Camp Jaha to snort and prance on the spot, throwing their heads back in fear.

 

“He does not walk free.”, Clarke addressed her people, raising her voice so everyone could hear her and as she did, she felt how weak her body still was. Her voice was cracking slightly and she had to take more breaths than she usually did, causing her heart to pound much faster and harder and she felt uncomfortably hot looking at all the people around her.

 

“He will help us bring our people home.”, she said and a murmur buzzed through the crowd. She wasn’t able to understand a single word but the atmosphere, their faces and the tone of voices was crystal clear: they were all with Abby on this.

 

Clarke thought it best to leave as soon as possible before things went south. She turned around and looking at the Mountain Man, she nodded in the direction of the horses. He got the message instantly and followed her. Clarke put her foot in the stirrup and pushed herself on the horse’s back, trying to look as confident and in charge as she possibly could. She felt slightly dizzy waiting for the man in the suit to get on horseback as well and realized as she clumsily pulled himself up, that he had probably never ridden before.

 

Raven mounted the horse to Clarke’s left but didn’t look at her when she was seated. She had to join them in case the suit malfunctioned and Clarke could see it in her face, right now she hated the fact that she was the only one with her kind of knowledge. She’d rather follow them on foot with Abby, Kane and some of their people who understood what was at stake and could actively help.

 

Clarke pressed her thighs against the horse’s sides and instantly it started moving. The horse seemed more than glad to leave the tension behind and with fast strides was headed for the gate.

 

The other horses and both grounder guards on foot followed her lead though their journey ended at the gate. The man and woman who had been assigned guard both held on to their riffles warningly and stood in a manner that signaled clearly, they would not let them pass.

 

“Open the gates!”, a demanding voice called from behind them and Clarke recognized it as Kane’s. Since he wasn’t chancellor, his order was not obeyed directly. Clarke felt her heart pound even faster. They were so close now, she couldn’t allow her own people to sabotage the rescue of her friends.

 

She turned around to look back at Kane and her mother standing next to him. She knew the guards were looking to her now for orders. Abby’s eyes met her daughter’s and it was like looking at two different people at once:

 

At the chancellor, the woman in charge of all those people, their lives and wellbeing in her hands, her responsibility her guide.

 

And at her mother, the woman who had brought her into this world, who had nursed her and taught her. Who, despite what had happened between them, still had a mother’s urge to protect her child.

 

At last, Abby nodded her agreement and Clarke felt strangely weak with the relief that washed over her. She mouthed a ‘thank you’ and saw the hint of a smile tug on her mother’s lips before she turned back and watched the two guards open the gate, their faces screwed up in anger but they didn’t dare act on it.

 

The more distance they brought between them and Camp Jaha and the closer they got to Ton DC, the more Clarke managed to relax. Though what had felt wonderful before – the sun shining from a bright blue sky – was now worrying her. The fog, though cold and damp, also hid most of the world from view. It seemed to swallow hope and happiness but was a much safer travel companion.

 

“Hey.” Clarke wanted to address the Mountain Man and for the first time she realized, he had been only that to her. A nameless enemy.

 

“What’s your name?”, Clarke asked when he looked at her through the shield of his helmet which distorted his features.

 

He seemed surprised at the question but it was because she cared about his name or hadn’t known it all this time, she couldn’t tell.

 

“Robert.”, he said after a moment’s hesitation and seemed a little uncertain.

 

Clarke nodded. “I’m Clarke.”

 

He, too, nodded. “I know. I’ve heard your name many times.”

 

Now it was Clarke’s turn to be surprised. At his words but also his awestruck voice and she wondered in what context he had heard her name but she decided to let it go. It didn’t really matter, did it? And if her name created this kind of reaction, it could only good for her cause.

 

“What do you know about Mount Weather’s surveillance?”, Clarke asked Robert, reverting back to why she had come to ask for his name.

 

He looked even more irritated as he looked at her again. Probably by the very sudden chance of topic, Clarke thought, looking at it from his point of view.

  
  
“Can they see us here? Or anywhere else?”, she elaborated.

 

He looked around and then shook his head no. “The surveillance only goes as far as the acid fog does.”

 

Clarke exhaled in relief and realized she was trusting his word without second guessing. Was it because he really seemed trustworthy? Or she had too little energy left to doubt him? Or simply because she didn’t want any uncertainty to smaller what little hope she still had even further?

 

She bit down her lip, wondering. Was her mother right? Would he betray their agreement the first chance he got? Or would he honor his word and help put an end to years of bloodshed?

 

* * *

 

 

Through a gap in her curtain door, Lexa watched her warriors set up the ceremonial fire to bid the victims of the missile farewell. They kept coming in from the forest with more branches and twigs and collected them in the hole the attack had left where the Commander’s quarters had once been.

 

As the pile grew to a size that could hold all thirteen who had lost their lives in her place, the sun was setting and turned the sky blood red above them.

 

Lexa let the curtain hide her from the outside again and sat down on the crates tied together and covered with fur and linen to make a bed her servants deemed more worthy for their leader than a simple field bed.

 

Burying her face in her hands, Lexa exhaled and inhaled as rhythmically as she consciously could, hoping the steady intake of oxygen would allow her to focus.

 

Her heart though wouldn’t slow down. It was racing unaffected and she could feel every of its fast beats hit against her ribcage. By now she felt sore from own heartbeat.

 

Lexa felt like someone had hit pause on her life, forcing her to feel all the chaos in her chest, think and think again all the thoughts, confusion and conflicting, twirling in her head while she could _do_ nothing but wait. Wait for the ceremony to start and pay the lost soldiers her respect knowing they had died in her place – _for_ her - and feel that guilt burn more holes into her soul.

 

Wait for Clarke to return and fill her in on whatever plan she seemed to have come up with during her two days’ absence. The only information she seemed to have radioed in around noon was the fact they were headed back to Ton DC. Though Lexa had a feeling that some of the information might have gotten lost – or more likely intentionally kept from her - on the way from Octavia to Indra and then to herself.

 

She had noticed Octavia looked at her differently. Her dark eyes had always carried a certain amount of suspicion, even though she was working so hard to be accepted as one of them. But since the attack, she caught Octavia watching her almost every time she left her newly built tent, her eyes following her like Lexa was prey.

“Heda.”, Indra said into the silence within Lexa’s tent. Lexa wasn’t surprised at her sudden company. Her eyes carried a hopeful excitement that also changed her heartbeat, turning hard steady beats into a fast racing ones.

 

“Have they returned?”, she asked and even Lexa herself could hear the anticipation in her own voice.

 

Lexa could see it in Indra’s eyes, she knew just like Lexa, that it wasn’t the impending war or the fact that they would finally be able to move against Mount Weather, that was audible in her voice but the hope of Clarke’s return. Alive, well and here. That she didn’t ask for their people’s sake, for the reason this alliance had been formed, but for Clarke herself.

 

Indra dropped her eyes for a moment and settled into a more comfortable position, widening her stand and holding one hand with the other in front of her before she looked at Lexa again.

 

“You have led us well.”, Indra began and Lexa knew what was coming.

 

Standing up, she raised her hand to quiet the General and approached her.

 

“My loyalties lie with my people. Their lives, their freedom – _our_ victory – has been, is and always will be what comes first.”, Lexa said, calmly, looking Indra in the eye.

 

She could see in their depth and the way she clenched her jaw, she had been ordered to hold back something she felt needed to be said.

 

“You disagree.”, Lexa stated simply. “Why? What have I done to make you question my authority, my choices? Is there anything but concern that brings you here tonight? Have I abused my leadership in any way and harmed my people or our chance for victory?”

 

Indra’s features were as hard as only a life of nothing but war and death could make them. She was tough, probably the toughest of her warriors and had earned all the respect and honor she received more than once. She had been an incredible adviser when Lexa had needed one, when she had been overwhelmed with her fate and been in need of guidance.

 

Her piercing eyes were searching in Lexa’s, what for, she didn’t know, but she knew Indra had been aware of her feelings for Clarke before she had understood them herself. Just like Indra had been against the alliance from the start. Then again, she had also been against uniting the nations, saying nothing good could come from it.

 

Too many people with too many problems would never find peace together, she had told Lexa and for days, had tried to convince her to stray from her plan and been furious when Lexa had disregarded her every advice.

 

Sometimes Lexa thought she had been even more furious about being wrong which meant Lexa had been right. But that was exactly the kind of adviser Lexa had needed – to question her, to point out every possible negative outcome and really make her look at her decisions from every possible angle before actually making them.

 

It had taken her a long time to draw strength from Indra’s doubt and use it to her advantage but time had been a greater teacher than any other she’d had.

 

“Nothing yet.”, Indra finally said coldly.

 

“What are you implying?”, Lexa retorted and felt the Commander’s spirit run through her veins, filling her with the serenity of many of years lived.

 

Lexa could see Indra struggle behind her hard features and debate whether she should speak her mind or not.

 

“Answer me.”, Lexa demanded, her voice a bit harder now.

 

“I think you are distracted, Heda.”, Indra said, though her words didn’t leave her throat as confident as they usually did.

 

“And I think this distraction will cost you your leadership… and possibly your life if you are not very careful.”

 

Indra’s eyes softened just a little but Lexa knew her General long enough to see it and she understood, Indra wasn’t here on her own account but to warn her.

 

“This distraction, as you call her, will help us defeat the Mountain. Something we haven’t been able to do on our own for decades. If bringing our people home and ending the Mountain’s power over us will have the consequences you fear, then so be it.”, Lexa said and her voice was strong with confidence.

 

Indra met her eyes and seemed to be looking for any kind of doubt in hers, any sign that Lexa was not as certain as she appeared but didn’t seem to find anything.

 

“If I have to choose between saving my people and saving myself, my death will not be in vein.”, Lexa added quietly, but determined.

 

For a moment, Indra kept staring at her Commander and Lexa felt like the child she once was under her eyes. It was the same look, the same concern concealed behind a mask of steel, only her eyes allowing a glimpse into her soul that, despite her harshness, was still gentle and caring. She just didn’t allow anyone but Lexa to see.

 

“Be careful, Lexa. The Ice Queen’s chill is spreading to our lands.”, Indra said, lowering her voice as if she wanted to make sure only Lexa could hear her.

 

Her words hung in the air as if they had been written into it, heavily sinking into Lexa’s consciousness.

 

After a moment she nodded her understanding. There were sceptics among them, at best. At worst the Ice Queen had already managed to turn some of her people, maybe even some of her warriors.

 

Lexa felt a nervous tingling spread from the pit of her stomach through her body. Her leadership was based on the trust and support of her people. If they turned on her not even the fact she had been chosen by the Commander’s spirit could help or protect her.

 

“Thank you, Indra. You may go.”, Lexa dismissed her General. She needed time to process what she’d just learned.

 

But just as the General had lowered her head slightly to hint a bow and was about to step outside, a babble of voices filled the air and trailed inside.

 

Lexa frowned at Indra as she turned back to look at her and her General’s face showed the same kind of confusion she felt. Both women moved at the same time and Lexa saw the instant she stepped outside her tent, what had caused the commotion.

 

Even in the dim light of the setting sun that had almost entirely disappeared by now, Lexa recognized her instantly. It was like her shape had been burnt into her memory and the way her heart picked up its pace at the sight of her, was as frightening as it was exhilarating.

 

Clarke brought her horse to a halt a few feet away from Lexa and jumped off its back. As she walked towards her, Lexa noticed her steps were weak and she seemed a little unsteady on her feet. When she reached her, Lexa could tell it wasn’t just form a few hours on horseback.

 

She was even paler now than she had been leaving for their camp and the dark circles around her eyes were even visible in the distant light of the torches slowly lighting up the warrior’s camp of Ton DC. Her lips were dry and her eyes had lost their crystal-like sparkle and met her own dully.

 

Behind Clarke she spotted the silhouette of a woman dismounting that second as well as a very strange shape against the burning sky and she realized, it had to be the man in the suit.

 

“I see he is still alive.”, Lexa said when Clarke came to a halt in front of her.

 

She was more out of breath than she should be from being in the saddle for the past hours and hardly walking any distance.

 

“He is.”, she said, nodding and panted slightly. Clarke looked at the pile of wood that had now evened the hole the missile had ripped into the ground.

 

“What’s that?”, she asked while Lexa didn’t let the Mountain Man out of his sight. She understood Clarke’s reasoning for keeping him alive but just the fact he was standing on the very ground his people had scorched, being around the bodies he, too, was responsible for, made it very hard for Lexa not to draw her sword and end his life right now.

 

“Lexa?”, Clarke said and the way her name sounded leaving her lips sent a shiver down her spine. Blinking, Lexa looked at Clarke, concern painting a worry line between her eyebrows.

 

“It’s a ceremonial fire. To honor and bid those who have lost their lives farewell.”, a familiar, yet bodiless voice, answered Clarke’s question.

 

Clarke’s eyes began searching and so did Lexa’s but a few moments passed before Octavia appeared behind Lexa’s tent, voice dripping with loathing and eyes burning. She wore the tree people’s war paint around them.

 

“You know, those who died when the missile hit.”, Octavia continued as she approached them, the hint of a cold smile twitching in the corner of her mouth.

 

“The missile – “

 

“That’s enough.”, Indra barked at her protégé and Octavia fell silent instantly and no second too soon. She stared at Indra, holding her glare and Lexa could see a whole conversation being exchanged between their eyes.

 

Lexa held her breath watching them, knowing that if Octavia revealed their secret, she would feed right into the quiet riots the Ice Queen had started among her people. Her warriors understood that sacrifices had to be made, but not all of her people did.

 

At last, Octavia turned around and stormed away, leaving them with a heavy silence and her anger hanging over them.

 

“Clarke, a moment.”, Lexa said quietly and held open the curtain of her tent. Clarke looked confused but when Indra only glared at her rather than answering her questioning look and then simply left without another word, she followed Lexa’s invitation.

 

“Lexa, what is going on?”, Clarke said when Lexa entered behind her.

 

Her brows were furrowed, her eyes slightly narrowed and inquiringly looking at Lexa who had a hard time focusing on the things at hand. Even in the dim light the single oil lamp dangling from a hook in the middle of the tent had to offer, she could see Clarke’s hands trembling slightly at her sides, her face as pale as if she had breathed her last breath and it filled Lexa’s chest with a tight, horrifying feeling.

 

Her lips looked strangely blue, matching the dark circles around her eyes that looked sunken and she seemed to have lost some weight. Her pants clothed her more loosely as did her jacket, her face less round and full and her cheek bones were much more prominent.

 

Looking at her in a weakened state like this made it so much harder for Lexa to remember what was at stake.

 

She dropped her eyes to stare at the ground for a moment, allowing her to gather her thoughts.

 

“It appears Octavia has learned, how we were able to avoid the Mountain’s assassination.”, Lexa said towards the ground and turned around, wishing they were in her old tent three times the size of the one they were in now. It would allow her to bring a little more distance between them, offer her space to pace or things to busy her hands with. But they weren’t and so Lexa could only take three steps before the canvas wall of her tent made her feel trapped in a way, no enemy ever could.

 

She was trapped by her emotions and the person who had called them to life and somehow they had grown even in her absence.

 

“I…I go talk to her. I… I’ll explain – “, Clarke said and Lexa could hear the terror this information caused inside of her trail into her voice. It had been hard enough to justify what they’d done to herself but to her friends, Lexa knew Clarke wasn’t ready for that.

 

Especially since she hadn’t accepted their action as a sacrifice that had to have been made but still looked at it like it had been a choice – a choice that could’ve been another. She was still stuck with all the ‘what ifs’ even after deciding and Lexa remembered the feeling all too well. It was torture to question and doubt yourself, to wonder, could you have done more? Done better?

 

“Indra will take care of it.”, Lexa said simply. “Your concern is another.”

 

Maybe it was her tone of voice or the finality she said it with but something had caught Clarke’s attention.

 

“What do you mean by _she’ll take care of it_?”, Clarke asked suspiciously and Lexa could feel she had stepped closer, even though the ground had swallowed her footsteps.

 

“I don’t see how my words are not clear.”, Lexa said indifferently.

 

For a moment, there was silence and Lexa could feel the exact moment Clarke had come to a conclusion.

 

She felt her hand on her arm pulling her around before she could hear her voice, but her words were swallowed by ringing in her ears. Clarke’s face appeared in front of her but the tent around her disappeared, like it was melting. In its place, a strange setting painted itself all around her.

 

Dark grey concrete, blinking lights of red, green and yellow, screens and control panels Lexa only knew from old books that had survived the blast and time. Lexa was pulled backwards, away from Clarke who stood there, hands hanging loosely at her sides, palms pointed towards her.

 

A thick trail of blood spilled from her lips down her chin and her brilliant blue eyes clouded over. It was then Lexa noticed the handle of the knife in her middle, its blade completely sunken into her body. Her knees gave in and hit the floor before she toppled over.

 

A silent scream parted Lexa’s lips at the sight of Clarke lying face down on the hard concrete floor, the tip of the knife turned crimson by her blood, sticking out of her back, reflecting the strangely cold neon lights flickering above her.

 

“Lexa? Lexa!”, Clarke’s voice reached her as if from far away, echoing oddly in her head.

 

Lexa blinked and only slowly did the sight of a dead Clarke in a place she didn’t know disappear. She slightly shook her head and kept on blinking. Gradually, the neon lights turned into the faint light of an oil lamp, the concrete to dark canvas and Clarke’s body rose from the dead, her eyes as blue as ever, though a hint of death remained in them.

 

Concern and fear were staring at her, making Clarke look even weaker. Lexa felt her heart pound painfully hard and fast in her chest, making it hard to breathe.

 

“Lexa? Are you okay?”, Clarke said again, her voice turned higher and shriller by panic and tightened the grip of her hand on Lexa’s arm.

 

Lexa knew she couldn’t explain what had just happened and pulled her arm roughly out of Clarke’s grasp.

 

“I’m fine.”, she said hoarsely and tried taking long deep breaths to calm her heart but was only semi successful. She was too confused and even more scared.

 

“What just happened?”, Clarke asked, her voice hardly more than a whisper and Lexa could feel her questioning eyes pinned on her back, could feel her worry and fear and all she really wanted to do in this moment was comfort her and find comfort in her and forget what she had just seen.

 

What _had_ just happened? Had it been one of the spirit’s premonitions? She had never had one but in her sleep, always leaving her with the agony of uncertainty, never knowing then which had only been her unconscious mind dealing with her fears and which were scenarios of the future.  

 

This time though, except for the fact it had been triggered only by Clarke’s touch, she was convinced it could only be what was about to come to pass. How else would she be able to know what the inside of the Mountain looked like?

 

Lexa turned around, staring at Clarke as she realized what her plan to save their people was. Blue eyes were looking into hers pleadingly not to shut her out this time and Lexa felt herself tremble, not wanting to but knowing she had to.

 

“You needn’t worry about Octavia. No harm will be done to her but she _will_ be kept quiet.”, Lexa ignored Clarke’s concern and straightening up, she pushed her chin forward, allowing the Commander’s spirit inside her to gain more control.

 

“Now tell me, what plan have you come up with?”, Lexa demanded.

 

Her premonition had told her what Clarke’s plan was and that she would be successful. A part of her was relieved she had not been wrong about this alliance, about trusting Clarke.

 

The other part of her though, was terrified for her life. Her premonitions had never been wrong. Vaguer when she had been younger and was still growing together with the spirit, but their messages had always been clear.

 

Clarke’s face was a mess of confusion and compassion, of exhaustion and stubbornness. Her lips turned thin as she pressed them together like she was holding back something she really wanted to say. A deep breath followed she released noisily and rubbed her forehead as if it would help her focus.

 

Lexa felt a tightness wrap around her stomach making her feel sick. She hated having to keep up those walls around Clarke when she tried so gently and caringly and continuously to connect.

 

“I will sneak it.”, Clarke answered her question at last. “I will put on one of the suits and return to Mount Weather. They won’t know I’m not one of their own until I take off the suit and by then it will be too late. Once in, I will find Bellamy and the others and we will turn off the acid fog so you and your army can get close. We will split up, one party heading for the door in the tunnels, one for the main door. You need to divide your people so we got both entries covered. We’ll let your people in and when we outnumber them, we can force them to surrender and get all our people out of there.”

 

Lexa listened to her plan that sounded plausible but not very solid. A lot of it was depending on the success of a previous action and Lexa didn’t like plans that worked on a knock-on effect only. If just one thing went wrong, her plan would fail.

 

But that wasn’t really what concerned Lexa in that moment. Clarke’s plan would get her killed, whether it was halfway through her plan or after it had been turned into reality, Lexa didn’t know.

 

Clarke seemed a little intimidated as she looked at Lexa, apparently waiting for a reaction, maybe even her approval.

 

Lexa dropped her eyes and stared at the ground to avoid Clarke’s blue ones and like it had the answer she was looking for.

 

How could she keep Clarke alive and still save her people but avoid having to pick one over the other?

 

“You can’t go.”, she said quietly, making a decision in that moment and for the first time in years she felt doubt clench in the pit of her stomach.

 

She looked up to meet her irritated eyes.

 

“Of course I can. I _will_ go.”, she said, determined.

 

Lexa shook her head slightly. “Let’s ignore the fact that you probably won’t even last a sixteen hour walk in your condition and even if, you’ll be too weak to fight, if necessary.”, Lexa said and Clarke took a deep breath to protest but was silenced when Lexa raised her hand.

 

“I said, let’s ignore that fact.”, she said empathetically. “What we can’t ignore: when you leave, your people will be leaderless and they won’t listen to me. My people however, do as I say, even if they disagree. This is how we are raised and have lived for many years, unlike your people.”

 

Clarke’s brows furrowed. “What exactly are you saying?”

 

Lexa took a deep breath, hoping it would steady her voice and hide the uncertainty gripping the pit of her stomach even tighter.

 

“We will execute your plan but I will go in your place.”, Lexa said.

 

For a moment, Clarke just stood there as if Lexa hadn’t said a word and just when Lexa started wondering if maybe she had really only spoken in her thoughts, she saw Clarke’s features change. Confusion and fear widened her eyes, parted her lips slightly and turned her breathing shallow.

 

“You can’t.”, she breathed and shook her head.

 

“I can. And I will.”, Lexa said resolutely.

 

“No, your people need you. You can’t just risk your life like that. Besides, I’ve already been inside Mount Weather, I know my way around.”

 

“But you can risk your life?”, Lexa said, unable to keep the aggression Clarke’s recklessness pulsed through her veins, from trailing into her voice.

 

“Right now I stand a much better chance than you. I’ve been trained to fight most of my life and fought more battles than you can even imagine. I am the sensible choice.”, Lexa said.

 

“But… can’t you send one of your people instead?”, Clarke tried bargaining and Lexa could hear fear vibrate in her voice.

 

Lexa shook her head. Of course, under normal circumstances she would never put her own life at risk like this. Not because she was afraid to die, but because she knew the moment she would breathe her last breath, the Ice Queen would strike and subject all the nations to her merciless reign, leaving the Commander’s spirit without a body to live on.

 

But these weren’t normal circumstances. She didn’t know how far the Ice Queen’s terror and lies reached. If she sent the wrong warrior with the Mountain Man, he would be dead long before they reached Mount Weather, knowing that if Lexa failed to save her people after forming the alliance with the sky people, it would cost her the faith and support of her people.

 

The only one she could still trust blindly was Indra and she needed her here. No one dared to disagree with her and Lexa could be certain that whatever it was she ordered her to do, no matter if she agreed with her choices or not, she would do as she was told.

 

“I’ve risked my leadership with this alliance, Clarke.”, Lexa told her truthfully. “People are doubting my choice. They are doubting _me_.”

 

Clarke looked at her astounded. “Why? Why would you do that?”

 

“Because I do believe, together we have a real chance of putting an end to the Mountain’s terror. Because neither of us needs another enemy to fear and fight and lose people to.”, Lexa said, quietly, holding Clarke’s gaze.

 

“Because my people deserve a future where surviving is not the only purpose of their lives.”

 

Clarke’s features softened but the worry line remained.

 

“We all do.”, she said softly and took a step closer, putting her right in front of Lexa, not even a foot between them.

 

She was so close, Lexa could see the pattern in her eyes, the tiny white dots that gave the blue its crystal-like look, could feel Clarke’s breath meet her lips.

 

Lexa’s heart began racing while her thoughts felt as slow as molasses. She couldn’t grasp one coherent thought of all those tumbling in her head and all she was left with was what Clarke being this close did to her body.

 

Her throat felt painfully dry, her palms were suddenly sweaty and her knees felt as if every bone was missing. Underneath her armor, her skin seemed to be on fire but tingled as if it had been numbed by the cold and staring into Clarke’s eyes, she wondered what Clarke’s touch would do it.

 

Just the thought sent a shiver down Lexa’s spine. She shuddered and clenched her jaw as she tried very hard not to lose control. All she wanted to do in this moment, was to close what little distance remained between their lips and loose herself in the taste of Clarke’s lips.

 

She could feel Clarke move closer, very slowly leaning in as she searched in Lexa’s eyes, her face, for any sign of rejection. Hers were filled with longing and anticipation as looked at Lexa’s lips and her eyes lingered there.

 

Lexa’s heart was pounding so hard and fast now she thought it had to break her ribcage any second now and was drowning every other sound. She could feel her hands tremble at her sides when Clarke’s eyes hesitantly meet hers again and Lexa could tell, she was expecting her to pull away.

 

And just when Clarke seemed to have gathered all her courage and was closing her eyes, allowing her lips to find their way onto Lexa’s, something made her jump and pull away the next second. Her cheeks turned a bright pink and were almost glowing against her pale skin.

 

A ringing noise filled Lexa’s ears as her heart felt like it had stopped beating all together. It took her a moment to understand what had just happened.

 

Indra stood in the entrance of her tent, eyes staring right at her, angered shock glistening in their dark depth. She was holding the curtain open, allowing Lexa to see outside.

 

Several torches illuminated her warriors standing in a circle around the spot where the missile had hit.

 

It was time, she realized and cleared her throat as if it could clear the awkwardness hanging thickly in the air.

 

“It is settled.”, Lexa said, hoarsely and couldn’t keep the disappointment in her chest from trailing into her words.

 

Before Clarke had time to say anything, Lexa had left her standing in the middle of the tent. She stepped outside and took hold of the torch that was handed to her but even as she stepped up to the bodies being laid to rest to pay them their last respects, her mind was owned by the moment in the tent, Clarke’s face, her lips, painted into the darkness of her closed eyes whenever she blinked.

 


End file.
